Dear 18 Month Old You

Yesterday, you were 18 months old.

I have been avoiding sitting down to write this post as the idea of you being 18 months old actually terrifies me. 18 months. That is one and a half years, on the nose. That means that when someone asks me how old you are, I can no longer really respond with a monthly response. But rather, with, 'one and a half'. That means, you are no longer my baby but rather, my little person. And that, Dear Evelyn, terrifies me.

There has been nothing I have loved more in life than watching you grow. Every day a new adventure. Every moment a new lesson. With each day passed you become a little bigger, a little more interactive, a little less baby and so much more you. It has been the most incredible journey, me growing as your Mama and you growing as my baby. I am not sure that I will ever be able to find the words that truly express how deep my love is for you and how truly inspired I am by watching you. 

All I can do, is love you. Each and every day I try to make you feel the love that I have. It is important to me that you never question it, that you never feel like you have to. My love for you will never falter, fade or die. It is constantly growing bigger and brighter within me and it is my aim to ensure that you know in every moment how big and real it really is.

You have changed so much in the last two months. Every day you step closer to becoming the beautiful young girl I just know you'll be and you leave behind more of that little baby that I once carried within me. Your personality is so strong. So soft and so quiet and so dreamy, but so there. I can see that you are going to be quietly confident, softly opinionated and powerfully independent. You are a dreamer, you are wary, you are an observer. I just love the way you walk the earth with your cautious steps and your inquisitive mind. It gives me a sense of peace to know that you always test the waters before making a decision and I hope that this is a trait that you carry through life with you.

When you were just a young baby you were more than wary of unfamiliar grounds and faces. You needed to be in the arms of those you trusted. Some mistook this as shyness and fear but I believe that this was your independence. You were not fearful nor shy, you were strong willed and bossy. You only wanted to be in the arms of the person you chose and if someone else where to pick you up, you would complain. The older you become, the more apparent this becomes. You chose which situations you would like to be apart of and which people you would like to talk with. You do not like to be told what to do or be forced to do. I can foresee that this will be an eternal battle between you and I, Mother and Daughter, the older you become. But it will always be something that I am proud to see in my Daughter.

You are communicating more and more. With words and understanding. I find it the most fascinating thing to watch you communicate in your own very special language. The most fascinating of all, is that you and I can understand each other, without actually speaking the same talk. I love our little language and understandings of each other, it is our own little world that just we are apart of. As much as I look forward to the day you are speaking with a full vocabulary I will be sad to see the end of these moments. Our special whispers.

You yearn for more, every day. More to learn, more to do, more to see, touch and experience. I love the adventure you bring to my life, I love the motivation you give me to get back to basics and start at the beginning again. To pick flowers, to stop and touch the grass, to feel the sand between our toes and to chase the waves. You have so much excitement in your small 18 month old body that it is contagious. You make life fun and exciting and full. You remind me every day of the beauty in our world. To seek out the small things and to appreciate the colours and sounds and touch. 

But, with all the great, comes the other. The tantrums. They have started and they are big. Before this weekend past, I have never truly had to handle a tantrum, let alone a public one. But this Sunday you chose IKEA, of all places, possibly the busiest shop in all of Sydney. And you tantrumed. It was a show down. A throw down. There you were, days off 18 months old, in all your fully formed toddler glory, throwing the worlds most spectacular performance. Filled with screaming, with acrobats, with punches and scratches. There was no stopping you and your almighty strength. You were going to scream until you got exactly what it is that you wanted... whatever they may have been. 

Through every moment, the good and the bad, my heart beams. You fill my life with such joy that sometimes I cannot believe my luck. You have given me reason and you have filled our home and our family with so much... You. I can't love you enough for that. 

You will forever be my baby girl, wether you want to or not.
I love you so fiercely my darling xx