The Bump ~ 19 Weeks

Last week as Evelyn laid down for sleep she had a moment where she just wanted to be held by her Mama. So I picked her up and sat in her rocking chair and we cuddled and talked, giggled and sang until she calmed down. It was time for her to lay back down, but instead I decided to stay a little while longer and let her sleep on me, with me. As I rocked in that chair looking down at my baby, who is baby no more, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety.

The inevitable fear that I can only assume every Mother experiences when she is carrying her second child. How will I spread my time and my love across two babies? The thought entered my mind, on a night that Evelyn needs a cuddle and Jelly needs settling, where do I go and who do I tend to? How do I give both my babies the cuddles they will both need and deserve? 

The idea of it no longer being just Evelyn and I, day in and day out almost makes me feel sad. I feel sad for her, because I do not know if she will understand why she doesn't get my full attention any more. I feel sad for her because I do not know if she will grieve the loss of my full attention and if she does grieve this loss, I feel guilty for making it so. The fact that it will never be just Jelly and I for days on end, makes me feel sad. Sad that Jelly will not know what Evelyn knew. Sad that Evelyn will have that, no more.

With the arrival of Jelly we will gain so much more than we will lose, I am aware of this and I wait for that day with great anticipation. But, sometimes, the things that we will lose, or rather, the things that will change so dramatically put me in a state of panic. Once Jelly is here I know it will feel as though they always were and I will look back to this post and laugh. But for today, I look forward with uncertainty.

My emotions have been running wild this week, crying over spilt milk to being in the best possible mood within moments of each other. It is tiring for me to keep up with myself, I can only imagine how it affects those around me. The difference between this pregnancy and Evelyn's pregnancy though, is that I can recognise that these emotions are hormones and mostly I can keep myself in check. Mostly, I have been as in control as a pregnant woman can be. 

My body confidence is rising. I truly do not believe that there is a more beautiful site in this world, than a pregnant woman's body. It amazes me that I actually apply that belief to myself. I am like most other woman, my own biggest critique. My body woes consume me. But when I am pregnant, I feel beautiful and I believe that I am beautiful. Because the truth is... I am beautiful. My body is creating life. It is building a body, from small cells to eyes and finger nails. Is there anything more beautiful than life? 

Jelly, there is nothing more reassuring and comforting to me than knowing that you are growing within me. That I am growing you. I am creating your life and then, once you are here, I will mould and shape your life. I will teach and show you life. Today I grow your hands and in time I will hold them and kiss them. Knowing that, knowing that soon I will see your face, smell your skin and hold your body, gives me the strength and the faith to believe that in the end, everything will be just fine.

Its you and me babe, together we will make the time