My Heart, Your Home: February 2015   

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Where has my creativity gone?

As I sit here, for nearly an hour, with a million thoughts racing through my mind and no ability to write them down, I am asking myself, 'is the choice to be dark and creative, or happy and subdued?'.

Before I started taking antidepressants my life was an absolute shambles. I had no routine, I woke feeling lost and I went to sleep feeling aimless. I suffered daily panic attacks. I cried, all the freaking time. I shouted and I nit picked. Since starting medication, I no longer panic, I dont feel nauseous at the thought of meeting new people, I have made friends and connections. My life is balanced, easier, calmer. I feel like I have feel my true centre. However, with that has come the loss of creativity and I don't know how to get it back!

Words have always come easily to me, not to speak them, but to write them. I understand words, I understand the story I am trying to tell and I am able to make my voice heard with writing. Picking up a pencil and drawing a scene that I have imagined in my mind was never intimidating, it was peaceful and calming and enjoyable. I have always had a dark centre and from that centre I was able to create beauty and light. I was able to write love poems, I was able to express myself with paint and I was able to capture moments with a lead pencil.

But now, I have been trying to write just a simple story, talk about the shining light that is my new son since he was, in fact, new. He is no longer new. He is 8 months old and I have not been able to write that story. I haven't been able to write a single story. I sit and I try, my word do I try. But I write, delete, rinse and repeat, until I finally explode with frustration and walk away.

If I were to pick up a pencil I would have no ability to picture a scene in my mind, let alone capture it on paper! I cannot conjure up anything that inspires me to write, to paint, to draw. To do anything that makes my creative spirit fly and I am wondering, do I still have that spirit, or has it flown away for good?

Is that my choice? 

I can be either dark, twisted and enjoy my creativeness. Or I can be boring, but happy and calm?

Why can't I have both?