My Heart, Your Home: February 2014   

Friday, 14 February 2014

He's my Valentine

 After months of flirting and interest and courting, Anthony and I finally went on our first accidental date. We met at the Deck for a beer, a beer turned into many and many turned into dinner and a bottle of wine. We talked, we laughed. I had butterflies and blushed my shyness and excitement all over my face. As the restaurant packed up around us and the night was closing to an end, I couldn't help but feel a sense of disappointment. I knew he felt it too as he went on to say he had wine at home, just up the street. We walked, we talked and we laughed some more. We sat on his lounge until the wee hours of the morning just... connecting.

On that night I knew that I wanted more. I wanted him. It took us another six weeks to propose another date. A dinner at Stella Blu. I remember that night, second by second. I remember it because that was night that my knight in shining armour swept me up in his arms, his smell, his heart and whisked me away. Forever spoiled by the man that is he. That night was the night that my life changed, forever more. 

Five years later, two beautiful children, one lost soul and another making its way to us. A bank of wonderful memories that incite warmth and love. A trail of heart ache but a quest for everlasting happiness. We have a love that ebb's and flow's but never falters. We have a love that is stronger today than it was yesterday. It is a love that we have both worked extremely hard for, a love that at times I didn't believe was enough, but today I know is all I need. 

Anthony has made the most wonderful Father to our children. He is involved and loving. He is soft, gentle and caring. His heart has grown in a way that still suprises me. He walks in the door at the end of his day, I watch the faces of my Daughters light up in delight, then I look at Anthony and I see that the excitement in him to see his Daughters is greater than any. He loves his family unconditionally and there has never been any doubt within him that this, here, is where he belongs. 

He is the most incredible, supporting and encouraging partner. Over the past year while I have struggled, through my tears and heart ache, through my loss of self, Anthony has been right by my side. He has committed himself entirely to holding my hand through some of the hardest moments of my life. He has loved me, completely. He has carried me when I couldn't walk and while I pick myself up he cheers me on. He is proud of me and my achievements. I can see it in his face.

Over the last year Anthony has been more than just a working Father. He has come home everyday, after the hardest year of HIS life at work, and he picks up at home so that I can rest or go to appointments or recover. He has cooked dinner every night since Zalia has been born. He helps with every bath and every goodnight kiss, every hurt and every cry. He has stepped in and been for our children what I have been incapable of doing. I have been embarrassed by this in the past, embarrassed that I haven't been enough. But lately I have realised that I am proud. Proud that I have a man that see's the situation for what it is worth and does everything in his power to help me. I am proud of you, Anthony.

He has been strong and capable and loving and gentle and completely understanding. Not once has he complained, ever. As I have become better and have began to commit myself to the household more, he has thanked me. Thanked me! He notices every little thing I do, but doesn't notice any thing that I don't do. 

Anthony, you are an incredible man. I knew from the moment I first laid eyes on you that you were a man that I needed to know. I knew because you have the most beautifully kind eyes and your eyes have never lied to me. In your eyes I can see strength in love, I can see a family man, I can see a loyal friend and partner. In your eyes I see your humour, your generosity, your humility. Most importantly in your eyes I see you. I love your eyes and everything they tell me and I love you so unbelievably intensely that sometimes he wakes me in the middle of the night. Some times I wake and just need to touch you just so I can feel that you love me too. 

You have given me courage and strength, you have given me time and space, to become the best version of myself. I cannot begin to explain to you how important this last year has been for me and how important your role has been. I am completely grateful and will always, always be grateful for the power you have given me.

Together we have become the family that I always dreamed of having. We are a team. We are best friends. You make me laugh, smile and feel safe. You make me smile from the inside out. You make me so very proud. You are the Father that I always dreamed of giving to my children and you are the only partner I have ever wanted for myself.

You are my valentine and I love you

Monday, 3 February 2014

Boo Boo ~ 19 weeks

If I look tired and unimpressed, that would be because I am, in a major way. Yesterday I spent the afternoon sitting on the ground with the girls watching their Daddy playing cricket and today I have been barely able to stand or walk. I have been in a world of pain but I am hoping that tonight will bring a full nights sleep and tomorrow, a better day.

I cannot be grateful enough that besides this hiccup, the pregnancy has been truly easy. They say that boys are much more gentle on their Mothers baby, so far, I would completely agree. I have had headaches, sure, but no where near as bad as Zalia's. I was morning sick, sure, but not nearly as long or as bad as Evelyn's. My hair is healthy, my skin is clear, my body is strong. This boy is loving is Mummy already.

This last week we obviously had our scan where we were told that BooBoo is a boy. I can't truly describe the feelings I felt at the time as they were extremely overwhelming. But I can say that I was elated. I squealed and turned to Anthony and I cried. We embraced each other and kissed and I believe that in that moment we both felt complete. Like we knew that this was moment was the beginning of the rest of our lives. 

Anthony is ecstatic to know he will be having a Son. His dreams of playing cricket and rugby with his boy were filled in that one instant. Dreams of teaching his boy the secrets of men. Passing down his name. That manly bond. All the things that every man secretly desires. His love of his girls will never falter, or never differ, but now he gets to experience the bond between man and son. Like I experience Woman and Daughter. 

My dreams of seeing what our little boy will look like will be fulfilled. Experiencing that unwavering love and admiration a Son has for his Mother. Seeing the difference between my Daughters and my Son, girls and boys. Dreams of experiencing both sides of the gender wheel, having both sides of the conversation of life. Watching my Son grow to marry his wife, treat her like I have taught him teach a woman. Shaping him to be soft, gentle, caring, empathetic and respectful. The type of man his Father is. 

While we both would have been just as fullfilled with another Daughter, the moment we found out we were having a Son was just... different. Nerve racking, exciting, confusing, overwhelming and simply amazing.

Going into the scan I was concerned that there may have been an issue with BooBoo as my body hasn't grown as much as it had with Zalia. I was worried that he might not have been growing and gaining weight. But he is perfectly healthy and is measuring a few days behind date, but completely normal. 

This week has been filled with nothing other than preparing to move out the baby pinks and move in the baby blues. Thinking about boys names. Imagining the shift in the atmosphere in our home. Dreaming of the love between Sisters and Brother. Dreaming of matchbox cars, soccer balls and diggers. It has been a week of changing the dreams of my future for this sweet child, from a future of building a woman and her self image and confidence, to building a man with dignity and respect. 

I am filled with delight