My Best Friend

When I was studying at University I met a boy. He was outrageous and funny. He was gentle and caring. He was a little bit wild and a lot of free. He was everything, that I also was. We were instantly friends, from the very first day. We laughed together, we played together, we drank and partied together and we talked. Oh my could we talk! We were rapidly becoming best friends. But, as our world would have it, we confused that friendship for something a little bit more. Because a girl and a boy cannot be friends without it being sexual. So we explored that avenue. For just over three years. 

In our small relationship of three years we walked each other through some of life's greatest lessons and adventures. We grew together. From a boy and a girl, to a man and a woman. He was my rock, my constant and my stable, in the years where I was discovery myself. He helped me shape and mould me. He never influenced or pushed, he supported and encouraged. We went to University together and we left University together. We moved overseas and worked together, we created a life and a home in place where we had no roots. We moved back to Australia together and we moved in together. We watched my Step Dad die together and we grieved together. We were for each other, what everyone in this world deserves to have. He was my person and I was his. 

One day we realised that throughout all of those three years together, we were never boyfriend and girlfriend together, as hard as we might have tried. We were each other's person. We were each other's best friend. But we not each others soul friend. We are created for each other. We are built to hold each other's hands through life's triumphs and through life's sorrow's. We are built to applaud each others successes and to support each others failures. We are made for each other. To sit on the sideline of each others lives and cheer each on. No more involved than that and no less involved. We were created to be each other's best friend.

The fact that we have dated in the past and the fact that he is male while I am female is completely irrelevant. The world is full of two sexes and at no point was a law ever created that said a man can only date a woman and a woman only a man. Nor did it ever state a woman can only befriend another woman and a man, a man. There is no law against my friendship and yet I am judged for having such a friendship. I am misunderstood. I am talked about and stories are created. All because, somewhere along the way, we have blurred the definitions of relationships and friendships. Somewhere along the way we have confused ourselves into believing that when a man talks to a woman then the man wants to the bed the woman. Furthermore, we have confused ourselves into believing that if a man wants to bed a woman, then the woman will remove her knickers and take his hand.

I tell my story of my friendship with my best friend because I think that we need to be reminded of this beautiful little word - plutonic. It is not a fantasy or a myth. It is a real life word, with a real life definition and it does actually exist, in more friendships than just mine. I tell my story about my friendship because I want Evelyn to know no bounds. I want her to understand that a man and a woman can be friends. I want her to not discriminate against a certain sex when it comes to friendships, or relationships. I will teach her that you love the soul, not the body. In telling this story, I hope to remind others of this fact too.

At the beginning of this year I flew to Singapore to spend a weekend with my Best Friend who now lives there, instead of here. I flew over on my own. I stayed in his home. We went out drinking and celebrating together. We ate at restaurants and saw the tourist attractions. When I arrived he gave me a big fat hug and when I left I gave him a teary hug. I miss him dearly. I love him fiercely. Of course, this caused uproar in the minds and hearts of my friends. Of Anthony's friends and even of Aaron's friends. Because, for me to spend a weekend with Aaron, we must be having an affair. 

When I went to Singapore for that weekend, it was the first time I had left Evelyn for longer than just 24 hours. It was a huge decision to make, one of the hardest I have had made and yet one of the most rewarding and necessary. The truth is, I was struggling with myself and finding meaning to my new life as a Mummy. I felt like I had lost my direction when Evelyn was born. My dreams and my goals became her. I love that. But it was a difficult process to accept. So I needed some time to regather my thoughts and understand where my life was taking me. 

When I was at the airport to leave Sydney I started receiving emails and messages. Asking me how could I leave my Daughter and my partner to stay with another man. Asking me who this other man was. Asking all sorts of questions which instilled a greater level of guilt within me. Guilt that really was not necessary and questions that really were not appropriate, nor were the answers of anyone's business. But, people's minds are curious and judgemental by nature. So I answered those questions and I carried that guilt with me through the entire trip. 

Then I came home and I felt almost betrayed by the implications behind those questions. By the thoughts that those people were quite obviously having. By the distrust they had placed within me. The truth is, there was no affair. My best friend and I have been there once before, when we had our relationship, and it didn't work. The sexual connection that once existed, died months before the relationship died. It was our friendship that made us last the three years and it was our friendship that survived the death of the relationship. We have not once, since the moment we said our Goodbyes, ever had a moment of regret, a moment of wonder. We are friends, best friends and there really is nothing more to it.

The funny thing about all those assumptions and judgements made about me and what I was doing to Anthony and Evelyn and my family was that it was Anthony who suggested I go. Not only did he suggest it, it was Anthony who booked the tickets. And then it was Anthony who used his frequent flyers to pay for those tickets. Because, Anthony trusts me. Because he knows what I know and which is that we belong together in a way that we belong with no other. Which is that our love is strong and unbreakable and based on honesty and trust. From the moment I met Anthony, I had told him of Aaron. I had told him that my friendship with Aaron is one of the most important to me. I told him that I would not give that up. In that conversation, Anthony knew. He knew that it was no more and no less than a best friendship, one to cherish and embrace and nurture. 

The further along in my relationship I get with Anthony the more amazed I am by him and his tolerance and understanding and acceptance. It takes a real man to be ok with this sort of friendship. It takes a man of confidence and a man of honesty to be able to never question the boundaries of this friendship. Anthony, is one of the most applaudable men I will ever know. He is the most supportive boyfriend that could ever exist. He has not once ever questioned me and my decision to maintain this friendship. He has encouraged it. He cherishes it. He embraces and he nurtures it. 

Anthony and Aaron have become friends. They share a beer together. They cook for each other. They talk of sports, family, politics and beliefs. Aaron stays on our lounge, he hugs our Daughter. He hugs me. He shakes Anthony's hand and then we all wait patiently until the next time Aaron can be here to do it all again.

My Best Friend, Aaron, is the best friend you can ever have. It does not matter that he is not a woman. It does not matter that we have a past. It does not matter because what matters is that he is here and he celebrates my life with me. He cheers my successes, he nurtures my falls and he encourages my dreams. What matters is that he is here and that we are friends. There isnt, any more.

When a group of Mothers become a group of friends

Photo's taken by one amazing Mother - Kate

Mothers Group has all the intentions of being a group of women whom support each other, love and accept each other (warts and all), nurture each other. It has all the intentions on creating an environment in which new Mothers can form a bond and can form there own new source of support. It has all the intentions on being something really great. Really great. 

However, before I had even fallen pregnant with my Daughter I was privy to stories of Mothers Group experiences. Experiences full of judgement and criticism, comparison and competition. You know, those awful feelings that a new Mother should never have to experience, all those awful things that a new Mother should never place on another. I had heard stories of people leaving in tears, they were judged for using a dummy, bottle feeding, a crying unhappy baby. Anything and everything. In a time of such need I could not believe that women could still be so cruel to each other. In a time when sisterhood should shine, I could not believe that we still resort to petty school yard behaviour.

When I feel pregnant with my Daughter I had a brief thought, "this means Mothers Group!". And I shut it down as quickly as it entered my mind. Never to be thought of again. I wasn't doing any such thing! I was not going to set myself up to be so cruelly treated when I just knew I would be in a place that I would not be emotionally strong enough to be able to hand such behaviour. The idea of being placed in a forced environment, having to introduce myself in a room full of women, talk about my pregnancy, my labour, my birth, my child. Talk about how I am coping and feeling. Talk... in general... in front of people, people I knew nothing about and no doubt had absolutely nothing in common with. Well that was just overwhelmingly frightening! And I just wasn't going to do it!

Then Evelyn was born. The thought had entered my mind again, and again I threw out. Until the midwives came to visit and didn't give me a choice. I was going! I needed it! It would be great for me. Apparently. They signed me up and called me multiple times to ensure I had all of the information. But, I exercised my right to freedom of choice and I just didn't go. I didn't have the strength to walk into something that just was not in my persona. I didn't have it in me.

Until three or four months passed. And my Daughter had grown, she was teething, she wouldn't breast feed, she was unhappy and then happy, things were happening and I had no one to talk it through with. Then, I realised... how nice it would be to have a group of women who had babies the same age, who I could ask, who I could talk to.

So I did something so totally out of character for me. And I contacted that group of women that I was too afraid to meet. Then I turned up one Thursday morning. After they had been meeting for months, knew each other, knew each others babies, knew their place. I walked in there and I sat down and I introduced myself and my Daughter and I talked about my pregnancy, my labour, my birth. I did all the things I was too afraid to do. Then I learnt, that I can do this. I was just so completely proud of myself. I walked into a ladies house whom I had never met, and I met a group of 7 other women. And I talked and I felt ok. Nervous, so utterly nervous, but ok!

Then this strange thing happened. I started going back. Every single thursday. I started craving that time. Those women. Their babies. Their stories and advice. I cherished thursday mornings, I waiting for them and when I left on thursday afternoon I felt empowered... ready to start a brand new week. They gave me strength and courage. They gave me a confidence that I had not had before.

Then something even more strange happened.

We became friends. Me and those 7 other women. Me and those 7 other babies. Evelyn and those 7 other babies. Friends. The day I walked into that cafe for the first time I never could have prepared myself for what the next 14 months would bring. I never would have imagined that all of those women and their babies would help me celebrate my babies first birthday. I never would have imagined that those women would wipe away my tears and give me a hug when I had no where else to go. I never could have prepared myself for the love those women would show my Daughter, or the love I would feel for those 7 other babies. I never ever would have imagined, that in that very moment that i sat down and said hello I was creating for myself an unbreakable community full of support and encouragement and love and kindness. 

The love I have for these women is beyond describable. When I watch them play with Evelyn, cuddle and kiss her, talk with her, my heart swells. On that very first day, I did not think I would survive and yet here I am, with a 16 month old baby who has 7 16 month old friends. Here I am, a woman who never had many women in my life, with 7 new friends who I cherish and adore and just cannot imagine my life without them.

The decision to attend Mothers Group was one made with complete apprehension, total fear and anxiety but today... If I had not made that decision my life would be one a little less bright, a little less happy. I would be a different woman and a different Mother. These girls help me to be a better, greater version of myself and help me to be a Mother I never could have known existed without them.

For that, I will be forever grateful, forever in their debt.

Everybody leaves...

Growing up I had one friend. One true friend. One friend that I knew would always care for me, always love me, even if we weren't friends. I knew this because, she promised me we would be best friends forever and I believed her. 

When I first left Sydney to move to Forster, I arrived a timid, shy and broken little girl. My Daddy had left and then I was leaving every thing I had ever known. To start a new life that I didn't even know existed, nor did I want to know. I arrived at a new school a timid, shy and broken little girl and those kids smelt my fear! I was a target, fresh meat. I didn't have a single friend. I tried. The teachers tried. But I just wasn't finding my place. Until I met this girl. And she saved me. She put her body between mine and those kids. 

I didn't think anything of that moment or that girl until I was invited to a party, the party of the Daughter of Mum's new best friend. And she was there. We stayed up all night. We talked while the other girls slept. We giggled and we sang and we played. We slept head to toe on two single chairs pushed together. Two young girls, forming a bond, over nothing at all. We promised that night to be "best friends forever". She was the first friend I made on my own. And she has been the one true constant friend I have maintained. She has wavered. Our friendship has ebbed and flowed. Over 18 years she has supported me, she has made me laugh, she has made me cry. Over 18 years she has come and gone. But always, even when I didn't think I knew, I have known that she cares about me. Always, I have known that she will never leave me. I have always known that she will be the one and the only true constant in my life. I do not fear her leaving. Because I know, even when she does leave, she always comes back.

Throughout my life, making friendships has been a difficult task. It is something that is surrounded by apprehension and anxiety. It always has been and I think it may always be that way. I fear making friends because I fear the moment that they leave. And I am left feeling hurt. I am left wondering "what is wrong with me?". I am left thinking everybody leaves.

I have had many friends. Girls and boys, men and woman. Good friends. Fun friends. Demanding friends. Selfish friends. Bad friends. I have had them all. And mostly... I have lost them all. 

Everybody leaves

Some I have pushed away. Others I have cut. Some have just disappeared and others just lose touch. But at the end. They have all gone.

Today, another has left. And I feel lost, hurt. Today a friend treated me as a stranger and ignored my Daughter. Today, she left me behind. I feel confused, anxious. I approached the subject to be told there is no problem, that she is just busy. To me, personally, a friend would stop and say hello, busy or not. Personally, someone who calls themselves 'Aunty' to my Daughter, would stop and acknowledge my Daughters existence. Personally, I feel like I was treated as an acquaintance. I was treated the way you treat that person you want to avoid.

Perhaps I am avoidable. Maybe I expect too much. Perhaps I am the selfish, demanding, bad friend. That is certainly the way I am left to feel today. Perhaps my expectations on how a friendship operates are unrealistic. Perhaps my fear of being left behind is what ends up causing me to actually be left behind. 

Today I question myself and question why I am so hard to love. Today i apologise to you, my friend, for making you feel that you had to leave.

Everybody leaves and I am left wondering... what is the point?