My Heart, Your Home: On the road...   

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

On the road...

Its been a long time since I have written a post worthy of publishing. Scratch that, its been a long time that I have written a post longer than a couple of sentences. I have not been able to put words down, not for lack of trying. I have multiple draft posts that all start with a line something similar to, "life has been different lately. Sleep. Sleep. Blah Blah Blah. Sleep". 

The thing is that I don't even want to talk about my lack of sleep. I want to talk about my beautiful Daughters. These two wonderful humans that I created. These two amazing souls that are so full of light and love and gentleness. I want to talk about the fact that Evelyn has been the most adaptable child, taking on her role as a Big Sister with such grace. That she asks me to set her up on the lounge for a cuddle and a kiss with Zalia. That she gently puckers her lips, making the perfect sound of a kiss on Zalia's forehead. When Zalia screams and cries, Evelyn asks me "she okay?", then she moves to Zalia's side and she offers her finger for a suck and she pats her head while looking off into the distance. She has been suprising, she is amazing. The love within her just shines from her and I have just never been so proud of her.

I want to talk about the fact that behind all of Zalia's tears and her screams you can see her smile, her happiness. I can tell that these screams are screams of help. They are in no way an indication of her personality. Because her personality is happy, cheeky. As she looks at me, with tears streaming down her face, sounds of despair and distress, she will every so often break out in the most beautiful and loveable smile. It swiftly disappears again to hide behind her pain. I want to talk about how her eyes are full of love for me, in a way that Evelyn's never were. Evelyn loves her Mummy, to the moon and back, there has never been any doubt about that. But Zalia's love for me is visible in those big brown eyes of hers. She watches me cross the room, her eyes follow mine as I sway her to sleep. When I am sleeping next to her, she will wake and her eyes dart stressfully around the room until they land on me. I am her calm and he safe place. Those eyes. It is all in those eyes.

I don't want to be struggling with the lack of sleep. I don't want it to be effecting me and my personality. I don't want for tears to be created from this pure exhaustion. This desperation of just an hour worth of sleep. I don't want to be frustrated. But the truth is that I am frustrated. So very frustrated. Because I know if I was able to get just a little sleep that I wouldn't be frustrated. I wouldn't have tears. I wouldn't be desperate. Because, the truth is, that I am loving being a new Mother again. I have coped with this new baby far better than I did the first time. My house is tidy and clean, I am showered. I am completely, blissfully and undoubtedly happy being a Mummy to my two beautiful Daughters.

But all of these things have been overshadowed by this tiredness. Its not just any tiredness. Its not the normal new born baby type of tiredness. I think that is the hardest part of this journey, is that people think I am crazy. What did I expect? Newborns wake up every few hours. But that is not the case here. She doesn't wake up every few hours. She falls asleep every few hours. For moments. Minutes. Sometimes I get 45 minutes out of her. Mostly not. We don't sleep, at all. 

Two nights ago I completely broke. Not only was Zalia unsettled but Evelyn decided that she didn't need to sleep, at all. She woke just before 1am and she didn't go back to sleep until just before 5am. Which is when Zalia woke for the day. I got a total of 45 minutes sleep that night. Then no one slept through the day and I finally admitted to myself that I just cannot keeping operating this way. It is not healthy or safe for myself, or my family. A Mother is the centre of her family, if she falls apart then the entire family falls apart. We were falling apart, all of us. 

I had not had a chance to change from my pajamas yesterday when I decided that we all needed to get out of the house and into the car for a change of air. I was not in the car for 5 minutes before Evelyn completely passed out. Zalia was screaming. And screaming. And screaming. I knew I needed to drive, where there would be no stopping. So I decided to drive to Anthony's parents house. I called them, with tears welling my eyes, because I didn't want to have to fall into their arms. I asked them if we could visit for an hour or two. When I arrived they swooped in and took a screaming baby from my arms and presented Evelyn with toys and we all sat on the lounge room floor. I sat back, without talking and they just knew. They knew that I needed more help than I had ever let on. So for the second time in my two and a half years of being a Mum, I let them.

They entertained Evelyn for me while I wrangled Zalia into peace. They spent the night convincing me that we needed to stay. So, Anthony got in the car and bought our things and met us there hours later. Then, they spent the rest of the night convincing us that we need to take Zalia home in the morning and we need to spend some time with her, trying to find some way that we can settle her. They convinced me that I needed to spend time, in some sort of quiet, without having to worry about keeping Evelyn entertained. Without having to worry.

They convinced me that I needed them. I shouldn't have needed convincing because I knew. I knew I needed help. So this morning, I packed myself and Zalia into the car and made the drive back home. We spent the day in my bedroom. Feeding, sleeping, playing, feeding, sleeping. Only leaving that room for water or a change of nappy. Tomorrow I plan on doing the exact same thing. 

Then, once I have had some much needed rest. Once I am no longer deprived of what we all deserve. Hopefully, after that, I can talk about all the amazing moments I have had with my Daughters. Like Zalia's first smile at only four weeks. Or Evelyn's vocabulary taking off ever since her Sister arrived. The cuddles and kisses, the love and the laughter. Evelyns pride of her family and Zalia's growth (and hopefully her overcoming her reflux). 

Once I have found my centre again, and therefore my family's centre, then I can get back to being the Mother and the person I know I am and leave this sleep deprived induced insanity. 

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