Two days ago I hit an all time low, I sobbed to Anthony and told him that I am worried about myself. Two days ago I said some words out loud that totally shocked me, words that I was ashamed to say and yet, so very relieved to let out. Two days ago I admitted to my "real life" world that it is all getting too much and that I am not sure how many more days I can survive without walking away. Two days ago was one of the darkest, yet one of the lightest days of my entire Mothering journey.
Thankfully, on this particular day, we had a night in the city planned. We were due to see P!nk and spend a night away from the kids. By the time we were due to leave home, I really just did not want to go. I felt like disappearing beneath my covers, not to resurface for a good couple of days. But, I did go and I am so very thankful that I did!
Not only did I have an amazing night, enjoy a spectacular show and have a sleep-in, but I left Zalia behind with no expressed milk and therefore she spent 24 hours on formula. My night in the city turned out to be a true blessing. It refuelled me, gave me the strength to come home and fight another day, rested my weary mind and uplifted my spirits. I came home, ready to take on my screaming baby. But she is yet to scream. Last night, Anthony and I noticed just how happy she was and put it down to no breast milk. So, in that moment we decided to trial our theory and see if she remained happy today if I continued the formula.
Yesterday as we sat down to lunch on Sydney's Harbour a couple walked in with their baby, who would have been the same age as Zalia. For a moment I seriously considered leaving, as I deal with a screaming child every day but this day was meant to be my day off. I quickly shut down those thoughts, as I knew as a Mum, that I would be heartbroken and feel horribly judged if someone did that to me. So I stayed and gritted my teeth in preparation. Only, that child never once screamed, he barely made a sound. I commented to Anthony about how unusual that is.
Today, I have learnt that this young baby was not unusual, he was normal and now my Zalia seems to be normal too. I had become so accustomed to the constant screaming that I began to believe that this was how babies behave. I had stopped attending Evelyn's social events because it was too hard. I didn't go to the shops. I didn't go anywhere that anyone would hear me, where anyone would look at me. With those eyes full of pity, of judgement, of shame. Those eyes became unbearable and my broken spirit just could not take any more.
But today has been different. Today I don't feel like burying myself beneath the covers. Today I don't feel like walking out the door with out turning back. Today I feel light... and, should I dare say it, happy!
There has not been one single scream. There has not been a battle to sleep. There has been no tears. There has been no cranky baby. In her place, is this placid, happy and super content little girl who is almost unrecognisable to me. She has slept her morning nap. She played and danced through Evelyn's music class. She slept in the pram while her Sister and I went shopping. She didn't protest when being put into the car. She went to sleep in just seconds for her afternoon nap. She has smiled and laughed. She has played and talked. She is becoming the happy, beautiful little girl that I only saw mere glimpses of before today.
I spoke to my Paediatrician and explained to her the situation and she was just so excited for me and by the end of that conversation I made the final decision to no longer breast feed my baby. It is far earlier than I had planned for, than I had hoped for. But, as I learnt while trying to breastfeed Evelyn, sometimes breast is just not the answer. I have successfully been able to breastfeed my baby for 5 and a half months. I have been able to breast feed when previously I could not. For 7 months of pregnancy I walked around with a suction cap on my nipple to break my physical hurdle and I did it. I fought for something that was extremely important and I have made myself so proud.
But, now it is time to say goodbye to breastfeeding and say hello to my beautiful, happy and content darling baby Zalia. Its time to say goodbye to feeding but hello to my happiness. I am sad to loose that intimacy and that connection but I am so excited about moving forward and being able to live our lives as a happy family of four. Rather than a broken one. I am so excited about no longer crumbling to pieces, no longer feeling like I am a failure and no longer feeling like I am letting my entire family down.
This is the beginning of the rest of our lives!
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