You are SIX months old

You are six months and eight days old, to be exact, and I have been wanting to write this post for days and days. But each time I sit down to write I just cant seem to find the words to summarise the last six months of my life, the first six months of yours. Mostly I just want to say I'm sorry.

Sorry that you had such an unkind welcome into the world, sorry that it took me so long to work out that something was a little off. Sorry if I didn't fight hard enough for you. Sorry that you were in pain. Sorry that I fed you for so long, unawares that my milk was, in fact, not the best option for you. Sorry that I haven't been able to offer you the very best version. Sorry that our first six months together has been... misunderstood. 

I want you to know that I fell in love with you before I even knew you were growing within me. I continued to fall in love with you every single day of our growth together. Our hearts beating in unison, our bodies growing around and within each other. I bonded with you while we laboured together and once you were finally in my arms, I knew that you and I were going to create something beautiful together. I have loved you every day since.

I dont remember much about our last 6 months together, but I do know that there hasn't been a day where I haven't been completely and totally devoted to you. I have watched you grow from being completely dependant on me, to being a small baby who is desperately trying to become a big girl like her older sister. I have watched you learn to sit, learn to eat, learn to sleep and survive reflux.

In the last month, you and I learnt that breastfeeding was no longer an option for you. Once you were on formula your entire personality changed. There were no more screaming matches for hours upon hours. You began to sleep longer at night. You smiled more and laughed harder. Your eyes were brighter and we were connecting on a new level. As a result we then decided to no longer medicate you, in that decision we have seen even more improvements and I now have a baby who is happy.

These six months have been long and hard, on you and on me. I feel like I am almost grieving this time as we were both living in such a haze that I don't feel like we were allowed the time to enjoy each other. I miss your newborn, your smell, your tiny body. But I look forward to growing and learning with you. I will make the most of your next 6 months and I promise to give you every thing I have.

I love you, my darling Zalia Sky. You are strong and wild, you test me and challenge me, but you melt me. You mean the world to me, and to our family and we have loved getting to know you.

Love Always,

Your Mumma 

xx