Surviving

The last ten months of my life, the first ten months of Zalia's, has been a long and hard road to self discovery. While I watched her tiny little body writhe and scream in pain, I could feel my soul being tortured by the pain of hers. While I fought to make life easier for her, I forgot to fight for myself and so I slowly, but surely, drifted away. 

I became someone that I did not recognise, with thoughts that felt like nightmares. My body ached in a loneliness that I cannot begin to describe. My heart would constrict and I felt suffocated by my own body. My mind was no longer my own. My feelings towards the people I love changed, my view on life was obscured and my belief in myself was non-existent. Whilst my mind became warped by the exhaustion I was suffering, my past began to haunt me. 

My entire life I have always apologised for not being good enough, for being too boring, for being shy. I apologised for not being more like other people, for not knowing how to make people happy, for being a constant disappointment. Through all those years of doubting myself and apologising for my person I was very rarely corrected, comforted or relieved. These thoughts, this low self image that I carried, started to leak into my Mothering and I felt stripped of any abilities I once believed I had as a Mother.

I have only said these words out loud to my psychologist, but I am at a point in my recovery now where I feel like it is time to bare bones, show my skeletons. I would have days, in my darkest days, where I would walk up and down the roads aimlessly and I would daydream about admitting myself to hospital. Just to escape, to press pause, to take a leave of absence. From my body, my home, my life... mostly, from my thoughts. I wanted so desperately to be away from the self loathing, the self doubt, the hate. 

I do not suffer from post natal depression, but I do suffer from depression. I have, on and off, since I was a teenager. In amongst this depression that comes and goes, like waves upon the shore, I had taught myself that I was of no worth. I have suffered desperate depression, which flared up to its absolute worst after Zalia was born. Not because of her birth, or her life, or presence, but because of the five months worth of two hours of a sleep a night... every night. The complete exhaustion. The utter desperation. There is something to be said for sleep deprivation, it is a powerful torture. I became delusional, erratic, dark and... different.

I am on the road to recovery. It has been a long and dark, twisty road. With lots of turns, forks and surprises. The thing about depression is that only you can make it better, with the help and assistance of people who are qualified. With my hand being held, I have fought my way to the top and I am looking back thinking phew. 

Along the road I have been able to discover myself and qualities that I never even knew I possessed. I am breaking all those self loathing thoughts and I have changed my entire view of myself. I have always believed I was shy, but over the past few months I have learnt that I am neither shy, nor unlikeable. I have been able to walk into a room of strangers and I have actually been able to find words. Not only find them, but speak them. I have opened my eyes and in doing so I have filled my life with the most incredible people. Friendships. Real friendships, where I no longer feel like I might be boring the person. Where I no longer question why they are sitting with me. 

I have been suffering depression, but it has opened doors, turned on lights and changed my life. I am a better person for it, I am a better partner to Anthony, I am a better Mother for my children and I am a friend. I am a better me. 

This post has been completely mixed up, random thoughts spat out, with no true point other than to say... I am a survivor. 

And you can be too

Boo Boo's future will contain...

Kicking balls, scuffed knees, slimey bugs and puppy dog tails.

A future of little brother, baby boy, my Son of Suns

Boo Boo ~ 18 Weeks

Last night, for the very first time, I felt Boo Boo kick through my tummy and reach my hand. So I quickly woke Anthony from his deep sleep and told him that baby was ready to talk to him and for the next 15 minutes, Anthony lay with his hand covering my tummy and Boo Boo kicked and bounced, rolled and turned. Letting us both know that baby is here and it is real and be ready. I went to sleep last night with a smile on my face and such excitement in my heart.

Today we get to go and see Boo Boo on the screen again, listen to baby's heart, watch them swim around within me. The ultrasounds are such stand out moments for me, within all of my pregnancies. They are moments that I wont ever forget. That very first moment you see your baby, the very first time you hear their heart beat or the moment when their gender is revealed. I find the ultrasounds so helpful in my journey to bond with the baby. To know that they are safe and healthy. A small little insight to what they may look like, the size they may be. It really is incredible. Today I get to have that moment, the moment where I hear the words - boy or girl. I am incredibly excited and unbelievably impatient. 

I am really having trouble focusing on anything else. The preparations for Evie's room to become the babies room (zalia and boo boo), Zalia's room to become Evie's room, they all hang in the balance. My dreams about raising three young women, or two women and a man. Will my future hold bugs and grubs and scabby knees? It will it involve another round of fairies and butterflies and curly long locks? 

18 weeks along, it only feels like a moment in time and in another moment I will be holding a little newborn in my arms. I still can barely believe just how unbelievably lucky we are to be carrying such a miracle. 

Our home is full of love and in time, it will explode with it. There will be giggles and big belly laughs, there will be fights and deep conversations. There will be life, oh beautiful life. I am truly blessed.

Truly 

You are TEN months old!

I haven't written to you for a long while, for many reasons, but mostly because I didn't quite know how to find the words to talk to you, to explain myself to you. Our start to life together was hard and we both suffered dramatically because it. I have been learning how to live with the guilt, this heavy feeling in my core that makes me believe I didn't give you enough. 

Over the past few months I have been taking some time away from writing here, away from any distractions and I have been focusing my time solely on you and your sister and myself. I have been working hard to make sure I can be the very best Mother I can possibly be for you both. I have been working hard at building a connection with you that wasn't tainted by your pain and your screaming and my guilt.

We have connected in a way I couldn't dream possible in the beginning. You are a beautifully happy, content and confident child. You beam with so much joy, it shines from within you. Your eyes are full of love and beauty and kindness and want. You want for so much attention. You want for big cuddles and you want for slopping kisses. You are fun and cheeky, you are wild and determined, you are loving and giving. You are my perfect little baby Daughter and I have just adored having you in my life, in my arms. You have made our household a happier one, you make your Sister crazy with love. You make your Daddy puff with pride and you make me melt with an overwhelming warmness. 

At 10 months old you have FINALLY cut your first tooth (just this morning to be exact), you have been crawling for just over a month, you high five and clap your hands. You have the best dance moves out of all of us. You are excitable, overjoyed and full of character. You are determined to walk, I watch you every day measuring your path up. Let go of your support and then fall to your bum. Only to pull yourself back up again.

Your eyes never leave Evelyn. The love that you hold for her is the most incredibly beautiful love I have ever witnessed. It is unconditional, in every single aspect of the word. You look up to her, you relish her attention, you truly adore her. She, out of all of us, is the one that can make you laugh the biggest belly laughs, smile the widest smiles. She adores you in the most intense way in return. She misses you while you sleep and races me to the door to see you first when you wake. She smothers you with cuddles and kisses. She tells me that you are her best friend... and you are. I hope that you will be forever and eternity.

You are going to be a big sister. You don't know yet, you don't understand it. But there is a baby growing in your Mummy's tummy. A little brother or sister for you to love and adore. For them to love and look up to you. You will be there to protect them, just like Evelyn is for you. I am so excited to give you this gift and I want you to know that I love you, equally. Don't ever fret. You, my dear, are loved.

I simply cannot believe that you have been with me for 10 months. You have been in my arms longer than you were growing within me. It has been the most magical 10 months. Challenging, but ever so rewarding. I wouldn't change a single moment. 

You are my darling Zsa Zsa and I love you ever so dearly.
My darling
xx

Boo Boo ~ 17 weeks

We found out that we were pregnant with this small bundle of miracle when I was nearly 10 weeks along. Having a third child was in our future, it was in our discussions and it was in our reach but it was not in our immediate plans. But life had another idea for us and our little family, life decided that we wouldn't be complete until this baby was with us. 

I will admit that on that first day I was completely shocked and doubted my readiness and my ability to be a Mother to another baby. But now, 17 weeks in, I know that this is what I was made to do. Other wise, this baby wouldn't be making its way here to us. I am beyond thrilled to be carrying another child, a child that is warming me from the inside, out. I feel content, blessed and incredibly happy.  

Pregnancy so far has been gentle and kind. I am suffering from the same migraines that I had while carrying Zalia, but I feel more capable. I feel strong and healthy. Mostly, I don't feel pregnant at all, I just feel... blissful.

Baby BooBoo is beginning to flutter within my tummy, just small, slight movements. Kicks that are feeling like bubbles popping, popcorn popping. My favourite feeling, the very early signs of life. The beginning of an incredible life, one that I have the blessing to carry along with me and finally bring earth side. It truly is the most magnificent gift, given to me, to give to Anthony and my girls. 

In just two short weeks we will be thrilled to find out the colour of this bundle, where we can begin to prepare, to bond the girls, to dream of a future of fairy princesses and sparkle lips or grubby knees and capturing bugs. 

Being pregnant is a miracle, one that has been delivered to us while we were least expecting it. We are proud of our family, we are ecstatic to grow and we are full of love and joy. 

17 weeks... Only 23 to go!

Kindy Days

Almost a week ago Evelyn attended her first day at Kindy and I have been wanting to document her day and her reaction here ever since. However, I have found it extremely hard to try and unweave my contradicting feelings about the day, the kindy and the way she held herself. Im still not quite there yet... I can't quite work out what is my main emotion toward the day.

Evelyn had been asking to go to "school" for months. She was so jealous that her little friends and her cousins all went to school and she was missing out on this magical place! So when my favourite kindy called and said they had availability for 2014 I jumped at the days, even though I wasn't ready for it. I took her to the orientation day and she ran off and left me behind. From that point on I was fairly confident that school is exactly what she needs at this time in her life.

Her first day finally rolled around, after weeks on end of her asking when it is time for school. I was nervous, but excited and so very happy to have had Anthony coming along with me. I had all the normal concerns, what if she screams, what if she hates it, what if she is picked on or doesnt make any friends? What if she is hurt and I can't cuddle her, what if she asks for me and I don't come, what if she feels scared and lonely? I realised that for the first time in her life, I wouldn't know exactly what she was doing with her day. I wouldn't know who she spoke to, what she played with, conversations she had, emotions she felt. She was to be completely out of my reach, completely out of my control and my supervision. 

We were walking towards the Kindy and she told me, 'no hold my hand Mummy'. I almost gasped. But then I realised, my concerns were merely my concerns. She had this and I needn't worry. As I opened the gate for her to walk in she asked, 'okay, hold my hand Mummy'. So I did, for just a few seconds and then she let go and ran toward her classroom. No fear, no worries, no anxiety. Just pure excitement for what school was going to give her. 

We put her bag into place and we walked outside to play and talk to her teachers. She stood by my side for just a few short moments, she observed the area, she soaked it all in and she decided that this was the place for her. She was safe and it was... awesome! She ran away from me without even a word and she began to play.

I stood and spoke with her teachers for a short while and I watched her to make sure she felt secure and safe. Then once I knew she was comfortable I went and told her that Mummy and Daddy will be leaving now and can she come and say goodbye. To which she responded, 'no Mummy', and she continued to play.

We said our goodbyes and I reluctantly walked out the doors leaving my Daughter in the hands of perfect strangers for the very first time. I spent the day toying with my emotions. Was I heartbroken, was I proud, was I happy?

To be honest with you, her complete disinterest in saying goodbye to me did hurt a little bit. I felt less needed than I ever had as a Mother. But in the days following last friday I have come to a happy place. I feel so truly proud of her. Proud of myself. Me being as shy and socially awkward as I am, I thought that I would raise children who had the same insecurities. But, Evelyn proved to me that I have raised a young girl that is feel of confidence, is secure within herself and is independent. She is incredible and it amazes me how easily she walked into that situation, with not a single worry about how her day might play out. She just knew that she wanted to be there and that she was going to have fun.

When I came to pick her up she was playing happily with other children in the sandpit. I called her name and her little, beautiful face lifted up and I saw her eyes beneath her hat scanning for where the voice had come from. Once they landed on mine her entire face lit up with pure joy and in that moment I could see how strong her love for me is. In that moment I knew that even though she is becoming more independent from me, she will always need her Mummy.

She had such a beautiful, fun filled day and has been asking to go back ever since. Tomorrow is her second day and I cannot wait to see that excitement in her face again. I am amazed how something that I had been dreading doing has bought so much happiness to her, and our household.

My baby girl is fast becoming a person of her own and I just could not be any more proud.
I love you Evelyn Rose

This is friendship

Being a shy and reserved girl throughout high school made it quite difficult to build friendships, especially with other girls. I had very few, to no, close girlfriends over the course of my 8 year high school career. I would find that I would have very superficial relationships or I would have extremely close friendships that would die off before they truly grew. But for the majority of high school I had one girlfriend. Now, as an adult, I look back on that friendship and I see that it was always quite toxic. She was always in control, her friendship was based on her and when she wanted to be friends. I would be dropped and picked up at her convenience. 

I grew up believing this was how normal friendships operated. I never much enjoyed female relationships for that very reason. I found them tumultuous and extremely confusing. Unfortunately for me, it is in my nature to be very loyal (until I am pushed beyond repair) and so I allowed this friendship to go up and down for years, I allowed for it to walk in and out of my life multiple times and I allowed myself to be hurt and disappointed by someone who, in reality, never much cared for me.

Most of my female friendships, or female encounters, were very similar to this. The friends I made would use and abuse me until they were bored of me. The girls that I didn't make friends with would scream profanities across the school yard at me, push or hit, or just be nasty toward me. So, as a result, I grew to become an adult with very limited friends, I had some select male friends who I cherish, but no true female friends. I didn't want them, because I didn't trust them. I didn't have them, because I believed I wasn't worthy of them. I didn't like them, because I thought that they would hurt me.

In recent years I have been more willing to open myself up to friendships and I have been suprised by how rewarding and gratifying it is to have female friendships. However, I found myself always being shocked when someone actually wanted to spend time with me. My self esteem has been at such a low, for such a long time, that I truly believed that I was not worthy of anyone's time. I have always thought that I am boring. After years of being cut off, talked over, ignored, laughed at, ridiculed and dropped for better offers, I just didn't believe that I had anything of any worth to offer anyone.

But, in recent months, my attitude, self worth and beliefs have shifted. I have found a new purpose and new strength in my life. I see myself differently and I spend my days more positively. As a result I have found that my life and the friendships in it are slowly shifting also. I am learning how to remove myself from situations that make me feel used within a friendship and I am becoming more aware of friends that manipulate me to give them what they need. I am no longer changing my days to accommodate others plans and I am beginning to learn when a friendship needs to be released. 

Along with this shift in self esteem I have found that my life is filling up with other positive people. I am falling into friendships with genuine people who are kind and gentle, people who legitimately like me and enjoy being in my company. I still find myself suprised every so often when people choose to be my friend. But mostly, I don't question it, I just enjoy it. 

My life is now full of so many beautiful and wonderful girls. Girls that love me, love my Daughters, love Anthony. Friendships that I truly believe will last me a lifetime. Friends that I can no longer imagine living without. They would give their left arm for me and my family, as I would for them. They are loving, supportive, encouraging, excitable and they genuinely care about the well being of me and my family, as I do for them. 

I know that for most, all of this is a normal part of life and is not something that is ever doubted or questioned. However, for me, when I make a new friend, I have never been able to help but ask myself - why me? But now, I sit back and I appreciate that life is full of many wonderful and beautiful people that were just waiting for the right time to join me in my life. Waiting for me to be ready and today, now, I am ready. Now, my life is full of moments were I take a step back and think to myself - this is friendship, this is love, this is life - and within this moments, I get the added bonus of being able to appreciate just how truly special it is, just how lucky I am and just how beautiful life can be. Because before now, life never was any of those things. 

Thank you... for being my friend x