You are TEN months old!

I haven't written to you for a long while, for many reasons, but mostly because I didn't quite know how to find the words to talk to you, to explain myself to you. Our start to life together was hard and we both suffered dramatically because it. I have been learning how to live with the guilt, this heavy feeling in my core that makes me believe I didn't give you enough. 

Over the past few months I have been taking some time away from writing here, away from any distractions and I have been focusing my time solely on you and your sister and myself. I have been working hard to make sure I can be the very best Mother I can possibly be for you both. I have been working hard at building a connection with you that wasn't tainted by your pain and your screaming and my guilt.

We have connected in a way I couldn't dream possible in the beginning. You are a beautifully happy, content and confident child. You beam with so much joy, it shines from within you. Your eyes are full of love and beauty and kindness and want. You want for so much attention. You want for big cuddles and you want for slopping kisses. You are fun and cheeky, you are wild and determined, you are loving and giving. You are my perfect little baby Daughter and I have just adored having you in my life, in my arms. You have made our household a happier one, you make your Sister crazy with love. You make your Daddy puff with pride and you make me melt with an overwhelming warmness. 

At 10 months old you have FINALLY cut your first tooth (just this morning to be exact), you have been crawling for just over a month, you high five and clap your hands. You have the best dance moves out of all of us. You are excitable, overjoyed and full of character. You are determined to walk, I watch you every day measuring your path up. Let go of your support and then fall to your bum. Only to pull yourself back up again.

Your eyes never leave Evelyn. The love that you hold for her is the most incredibly beautiful love I have ever witnessed. It is unconditional, in every single aspect of the word. You look up to her, you relish her attention, you truly adore her. She, out of all of us, is the one that can make you laugh the biggest belly laughs, smile the widest smiles. She adores you in the most intense way in return. She misses you while you sleep and races me to the door to see you first when you wake. She smothers you with cuddles and kisses. She tells me that you are her best friend... and you are. I hope that you will be forever and eternity.

You are going to be a big sister. You don't know yet, you don't understand it. But there is a baby growing in your Mummy's tummy. A little brother or sister for you to love and adore. For them to love and look up to you. You will be there to protect them, just like Evelyn is for you. I am so excited to give you this gift and I want you to know that I love you, equally. Don't ever fret. You, my dear, are loved.

I simply cannot believe that you have been with me for 10 months. You have been in my arms longer than you were growing within me. It has been the most magical 10 months. Challenging, but ever so rewarding. I wouldn't change a single moment. 

You are my darling Zsa Zsa and I love you ever so dearly.
My darling
xx