My Heart, Your Home: 12 months to a better me   

Sunday, 23 March 2014

12 months to a better me

I am a firm believer that we control our own destiny, that happiness is a choice and that we shouldn't rely on any one person to help improve our life, happiness or sense of self. Life throws us curve balls which test our strength and our character and we all dodge them, recover from them or survive them in totally unique ways. No two lives are the same and no two people are the same. 

I have dodged, recovered and survived many of life's curve balls. I am not entirely graceful about it, nor am I always humble nor do am I completely accepting. I will often question the universe, in a totally selfish way, 'why me?'. What makes one life so full to the brim of challenges, set backs, break downs and heart break as opposed to another life. And, what makes the next life even harder? Who decides? 

But at the end of the day the question is not important, it is the journey back to recovery, it is the way in which you take your steps along this journey and it is the arrival at the destination that is important. 

I like to think that I have walked my journey with a gentle and compassionate heart, I have held the hands of comrades along the way, I have given myself to less fortunate even when I just want to hide away. I have not always been selfless, and I often seek the sympathy and encouragement of others and I can become so self involved that I do forget to ask in return how they are. I am human, I have my shortcomings and I have my strong points. 

The last 12 months has been an adventure of self awareness, change and character building. It began by completely breaking my spirit and strength. I was a broken woman, unable to give to anyone. I have so much self doubt and self hate and weakness. But with the help and support of my ever giving partner, Anthony, and the dedication and commitment of my own headstrong character I have survived this particular dodge ball. 

Along the way, regardless of believing that my life is in my control, I have met some incredible people who all threw my a rope and helped pull me back up to a height I have never reached before. Every once in a while we are lucky enough to meet one or two people who change our lives completely. At the time you are truly unaware of the power of their presence, the length of their reach and their warmth of their embrace. Until one day, you are no longer in a panic, you look forward to leaving the house, you cant wait to talk to them. You crave their friendship, their love and them.

This year I have been so blessed to have met several people, strong, powerful and independent woman who have changed my life and my future. They wandered aimlessly into my life and have seeded themselves into the depth of my being and have been growing ever since. These women and their families are no longer just a play date for my children, they are no longer just a friend, they are my family. With them in my life I have been able to swim to shore and live a life that a year ago was unimaginable. With them by my side, I have belief in myself, my abilities as a woman and as Mum. These women are genuine, loving, kind and giving and I feel like I owe them my happiness. 

I take pride in the strength I have mustered this year, in the self confidence I have found. I feel so much achievement towards this past year. There is no self hate, very minimal negativity, less tears and rarely ever a panic attack. I have begun studying, I have made life long friendships, I have found direction and I have uncovered myself. The version of myself that I believe has always been hiding, but is now here and I actually like me. 

This past 12 months has been a powerful journey to self discovery.

I am found and I am me

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