12 months to a better me

I am a firm believer that we control our own destiny, that happiness is a choice and that we shouldn't rely on any one person to help improve our life, happiness or sense of self. Life throws us curve balls which test our strength and our character and we all dodge them, recover from them or survive them in totally unique ways. No two lives are the same and no two people are the same. 

I have dodged, recovered and survived many of life's curve balls. I am not entirely graceful about it, nor am I always humble nor do am I completely accepting. I will often question the universe, in a totally selfish way, 'why me?'. What makes one life so full to the brim of challenges, set backs, break downs and heart break as opposed to another life. And, what makes the next life even harder? Who decides? 

But at the end of the day the question is not important, it is the journey back to recovery, it is the way in which you take your steps along this journey and it is the arrival at the destination that is important. 

I like to think that I have walked my journey with a gentle and compassionate heart, I have held the hands of comrades along the way, I have given myself to less fortunate even when I just want to hide away. I have not always been selfless, and I often seek the sympathy and encouragement of others and I can become so self involved that I do forget to ask in return how they are. I am human, I have my shortcomings and I have my strong points. 

The last 12 months has been an adventure of self awareness, change and character building. It began by completely breaking my spirit and strength. I was a broken woman, unable to give to anyone. I have so much self doubt and self hate and weakness. But with the help and support of my ever giving partner, Anthony, and the dedication and commitment of my own headstrong character I have survived this particular dodge ball. 

Along the way, regardless of believing that my life is in my control, I have met some incredible people who all threw my a rope and helped pull me back up to a height I have never reached before. Every once in a while we are lucky enough to meet one or two people who change our lives completely. At the time you are truly unaware of the power of their presence, the length of their reach and their warmth of their embrace. Until one day, you are no longer in a panic, you look forward to leaving the house, you cant wait to talk to them. You crave their friendship, their love and them.

This year I have been so blessed to have met several people, strong, powerful and independent woman who have changed my life and my future. They wandered aimlessly into my life and have seeded themselves into the depth of my being and have been growing ever since. These women and their families are no longer just a play date for my children, they are no longer just a friend, they are my family. With them in my life I have been able to swim to shore and live a life that a year ago was unimaginable. With them by my side, I have belief in myself, my abilities as a woman and as Mum. These women are genuine, loving, kind and giving and I feel like I owe them my happiness. 

I take pride in the strength I have mustered this year, in the self confidence I have found. I feel so much achievement towards this past year. There is no self hate, very minimal negativity, less tears and rarely ever a panic attack. I have begun studying, I have made life long friendships, I have found direction and I have uncovered myself. The version of myself that I believe has always been hiding, but is now here and I actually like me. 

This past 12 months has been a powerful journey to self discovery.

I am found and I am me

Boo Boo ~ 25 weeks

A week of migraines, gastro, Dr checkups, the all clear, the need for daytime napping, a lack of daytime napping, belly popping and weight gain. A week of fails and a week of wins, I am completely and utterly exhausted!

After having a lot of visual disturbances, loss of sight and migraines I began to worry about it implicating the beginning of a blood pressure issue so i took myself to the midwives and Drs to be checked out. I do not have pre-eclampsia and my blood pressure is not even slightly high... in fact, it is extremely low! 86/45... ah huh, I shouldn't be able to walk with that! But lord knows, it is not unusual for me and perhaps explain why I am always so tired. 

While I was being checked over I learnt that a urine test can give the Drs an incredible amount of information, like the fact that my body is eating its own resources. Which obviously explains why I have been losing weight, rather than gaining it. So... I have taken it upon myself to eat as much as I physically can. Which sounds like so much fun, except for the fact that the thought of eating makes me feel ill! So I have set alarms to remind myself to eat every 2-3 hours and I have given in to any craving (yes.. that includes my Mcdonalds junior burger + fries + sweet and sour sauce craving). As a result I have finally put on 1.5kgs! I am not sure I ever would have celebrated such a thing but it felt great to see those numbers rise.

Being pregnant with two young children in your care day in and day out, week after week, is starting to take its toll. I am purely exhausted and I am (embarrassingly) envious of those who have family support. Those who can leave their children with family so that they can sleep, go to Drs checkups, having solo time. But I am making it through each and every day, still awake and in a relatively calm state. My, how I would like to be able to sleep. But I have found myself surrounded by the most incredibly beautiful friends who step in and step up and offer me an outstanding amount of support when it is needed. 

I have been slowly collecting little blue clothes, wraps and blankets. It still feels so surreal to be having another baby, let alone a little blue baby. I am so excited about seeing the way this little blue bundle looks on the outside, the differences between brother and sisters. I am excited to see how his energy may be different, his attitude and zest for life. The love a Son has for his Mum and Dad and two big Sisters. The love they have for their little Brother. In 15 weeks time our lives are all going to collide, an explosion of love. In 15 weeks time we will be a family of five, two Daughters and a Son, a tribe. Busy, messy, unorganised and chaotic. Loving, loud and a little out of control. 

I cannot wait!

Boo Boo ~ 24 weeks

It has been really hard to remember to come here each week to share my journey throughout this pregnancy because the truth is, I barely feel pregnant. Earlier this week I had to actually count back the weeks to try and work out how far along I am. It horrible, the differences between each consecutive pregnancy. But, my body hasn't grown too much yet, I don't feel sick, the headaches has subsided. There really is not much physical reminder that I am growing a baby within me. Except of course, the beautiful baby kicks I have within me each and every day. Obviously the most beautiful physical reminder there could be. 

This pregnancy, so far, has been beautifully kind to me. My emotions are amazingly in check, not a single hormonal meltdown yet! My body is very slowly changing and I have not yet noticed much of a change to how I stand, sleep or walk. I have a touch of insomnia but nothing that a good book hasn't been able to help me with. My dear future Son is being so very kind to his Mumma. 

Every day, however, I do dream about the day this boy is put into my arms. I am beyond excited to see how Anthony and I combine to create a little boy, to see what he looks like, the colour of his eyes, who's smile he will have. I cannot wait to experience the differences between my beautiful girls to my handsome Son. The love of a boy and his Mummy. The relationship between Father and Son. It is all so new and different, its exhilarating, unknown, exciting. 

The last 5 weeks, since my last post, have been busy. Uneventful, in regards to the pregnancy. I have had my check up and he is growing perfectly on track (hopefully not ahead!), his heart beat is strong. My iron is okay, my blood pressure is low but okay. I have been experiencing migraines over the past week, my vision is disrupted, blurred and throbbing. Then the pain kicks in for hours, having to hide away in a dark room and silence. I am still trying to get in to speak with the Drs about them as I am a little concerned about the cause. 

This pregnancy has gained a lot of negative attention from the people in our lives. People who seem to think we are 'stupid' for having another child. That it will make life 'shit' and 'hard' and 'unbearable'. It has been impossibly hard to try and rise above their comments without reaction, without being hurt and feeling betrayed. I find that after each time I see these people I am justifying why this pregnancy is a blessing and a thrill and a great thing. I shouldn't have to justify... but in case there is anyone reading this who thinks we are silly for having another child, we are beyond thrilled. We could not be happier about adding to our family and we feel stronger as a family now that we know we are adding another child. It is a dream come true. We are strong and capable parents who love our children entirely, this third child will be NO exception. 

Baby Booboo is exactly what we want...

We love you

Life after medication

Ever since I first sat in my Drs office and told him I am suffering depression and would like to go on anti-depressants my life has never been the same. Taking home that first box of pills was terrifying, I felt so weak and deflated, I felt as though I had let myself down and that I was incapable of being able to live my life. When I took the first pill, I cried. I was so disappointed in myself for not getting through, for not being strong enough, for giving up. 

Each morning I would wake up and slowly, without truly being aware of it, I would be feeling mentally stronger, just a touch. Each night as I swallowed one more pill I would feel a little less defeated and a little more faithful. Until one day when it became routine and there was no more thought about swallowing that little white pill.

For the first two weeks that pill slowly gave me wings, until one morning where I began to feel sick. So sick that I could barely get out of bed. I hung on for weeks thinking that the side effects would wear off, they never did. So I made the heart wrenching decision to quit taking the pills and try for another one. I was devastated at the thought of having to go through it all again. I slowly backed off the pills until I was no longer taking any. I spent over a week without a pill and yet I was still sick, I was still suffering. At this point, I realised that it can't of been the medication and I took a pregnancy test, only to find that I was 10 weeks pregnant.

Once I got the all clear from the Drs I went straight back on that pill and waited for its effects to take full swing. From the moment they began to kick back in I started to accept that I hadn't been defeated and I was not weak. In fact, I felt stronger and more capable than I had felt in years. I knew that the decision I made to go on that medication was the best possible decision I could have made for myself. I had been drowning for so very long, hiding from the world. Living the life of a "shy" girl, believing that is who I truly was. Living with the lowest self esteem, distrusting of everyone new I met. Doubting anyone's interest in me as genuine. Living life, worthlessly, as I believed that was who I was.

Since starting my anti-depressants life has changed, in swings and round abouts. Each new day has bought with it a new found confidence, self love and self belief, strength and happiness. Of course I still have terribly hard days like any other person. But my tolerance is so much higher. I no longer find myself sobbing on the driveway before Anthony has even left for work, I am no longer locked in the bathroom in a panic attack, I no longer call Anthony begging for his return home. 

My relationship is stronger that I have ever known it to be. I have more energy to lend to Anthony, more time to give to him and more tolerance to share my affection with him. Prior to starting this medication, by the time he came home the absolute last thing I wanted was for him to touch me after a day of children crawling all over me. We communicate better, we laugh more, we enjoy each other. I love stronger.

My patience with my children has risen to unbelievable heights. The whinging still drives me batty, but I don't end up in a meltdown at the sound of it. I can negotiate, I can tolerate, I can handle. I can remain calm and composed. 

My shyness has been cured. I have learnt that I was never in fact shy, just incredibly and brutally down on myself. My esteem and self worth was unbelievably broken. I truly believed that I had nothing to offer and only ever thought people liked me to use me. I settled for any friendship or relationship, toxic and abusive, because I didnt believe I deserved better. It has been a long, hard fight to change my belief in myself and one that I am continuing to work on. But, I am in a place now where my life is full of genuine friendships, of love, of trust. I can walk into a room and talk to people. I feel strong within myself and no longer describe myself as shy.

I am focused. Something I haven't been in many years. I have a goal and I am sticking to it. I am studying social welfare at university. I study. I read. I write. I learn and my god, do I feel proud of myself for doing it! I believe that I can do it.

I have began babysitting to help contribute to our family finances. I walk into the house of strangers and I have open and honest conversations with them. I play with their children and fall in love with each and every one of them. It has been strangely empowering. Each time that I leave a job I feel strong, likeable and positive. I haven't walked away from meeting a stranger feeling likeable for so many years.

Taking medication has been an unexpected journey filled with so many emotions. I honestly felt nothing but defeat in those early days. I cried and cried about how I had failed living life. But now, I feel nothing but pride. For taking those steps to better myself and in turn, bettering the conditions for my family. Life has never been so good. For the first time in so very long, life feels full, life feels like we are living. I am busy, strong, capable and happy.

Antidepressants are not to be ashamed of, are not to be hidden. Antidepressants are just that shoulder of support that we all need every now and then, sometimes this is the best shoulder to choose. Life has never been better, than life after medication

He's my Valentine

 After months of flirting and interest and courting, Anthony and I finally went on our first accidental date. We met at the Deck for a beer, a beer turned into many and many turned into dinner and a bottle of wine. We talked, we laughed. I had butterflies and blushed my shyness and excitement all over my face. As the restaurant packed up around us and the night was closing to an end, I couldn't help but feel a sense of disappointment. I knew he felt it too as he went on to say he had wine at home, just up the street. We walked, we talked and we laughed some more. We sat on his lounge until the wee hours of the morning just... connecting.

On that night I knew that I wanted more. I wanted him. It took us another six weeks to propose another date. A dinner at Stella Blu. I remember that night, second by second. I remember it because that was night that my knight in shining armour swept me up in his arms, his smell, his heart and whisked me away. Forever spoiled by the man that is he. That night was the night that my life changed, forever more. 

Five years later, two beautiful children, one lost soul and another making its way to us. A bank of wonderful memories that incite warmth and love. A trail of heart ache but a quest for everlasting happiness. We have a love that ebb's and flow's but never falters. We have a love that is stronger today than it was yesterday. It is a love that we have both worked extremely hard for, a love that at times I didn't believe was enough, but today I know is all I need. 

Anthony has made the most wonderful Father to our children. He is involved and loving. He is soft, gentle and caring. His heart has grown in a way that still suprises me. He walks in the door at the end of his day, I watch the faces of my Daughters light up in delight, then I look at Anthony and I see that the excitement in him to see his Daughters is greater than any. He loves his family unconditionally and there has never been any doubt within him that this, here, is where he belongs. 

He is the most incredible, supporting and encouraging partner. Over the past year while I have struggled, through my tears and heart ache, through my loss of self, Anthony has been right by my side. He has committed himself entirely to holding my hand through some of the hardest moments of my life. He has loved me, completely. He has carried me when I couldn't walk and while I pick myself up he cheers me on. He is proud of me and my achievements. I can see it in his face.

Over the last year Anthony has been more than just a working Father. He has come home everyday, after the hardest year of HIS life at work, and he picks up at home so that I can rest or go to appointments or recover. He has cooked dinner every night since Zalia has been born. He helps with every bath and every goodnight kiss, every hurt and every cry. He has stepped in and been for our children what I have been incapable of doing. I have been embarrassed by this in the past, embarrassed that I haven't been enough. But lately I have realised that I am proud. Proud that I have a man that see's the situation for what it is worth and does everything in his power to help me. I am proud of you, Anthony.

He has been strong and capable and loving and gentle and completely understanding. Not once has he complained, ever. As I have become better and have began to commit myself to the household more, he has thanked me. Thanked me! He notices every little thing I do, but doesn't notice any thing that I don't do. 

Anthony, you are an incredible man. I knew from the moment I first laid eyes on you that you were a man that I needed to know. I knew because you have the most beautifully kind eyes and your eyes have never lied to me. In your eyes I can see strength in love, I can see a family man, I can see a loyal friend and partner. In your eyes I see your humour, your generosity, your humility. Most importantly in your eyes I see you. I love your eyes and everything they tell me and I love you so unbelievably intensely that sometimes he wakes me in the middle of the night. Some times I wake and just need to touch you just so I can feel that you love me too. 

You have given me courage and strength, you have given me time and space, to become the best version of myself. I cannot begin to explain to you how important this last year has been for me and how important your role has been. I am completely grateful and will always, always be grateful for the power you have given me.

Together we have become the family that I always dreamed of having. We are a team. We are best friends. You make me laugh, smile and feel safe. You make me smile from the inside out. You make me so very proud. You are the Father that I always dreamed of giving to my children and you are the only partner I have ever wanted for myself.

You are my valentine and I love you
xxx

Boo Boo ~ 19 weeks

If I look tired and unimpressed, that would be because I am, in a major way. Yesterday I spent the afternoon sitting on the ground with the girls watching their Daddy playing cricket and today I have been barely able to stand or walk. I have been in a world of pain but I am hoping that tonight will bring a full nights sleep and tomorrow, a better day.

I cannot be grateful enough that besides this hiccup, the pregnancy has been truly easy. They say that boys are much more gentle on their Mothers baby, so far, I would completely agree. I have had headaches, sure, but no where near as bad as Zalia's. I was morning sick, sure, but not nearly as long or as bad as Evelyn's. My hair is healthy, my skin is clear, my body is strong. This boy is loving is Mummy already.

This last week we obviously had our scan where we were told that BooBoo is a boy. I can't truly describe the feelings I felt at the time as they were extremely overwhelming. But I can say that I was elated. I squealed and turned to Anthony and I cried. We embraced each other and kissed and I believe that in that moment we both felt complete. Like we knew that this was moment was the beginning of the rest of our lives. 

Anthony is ecstatic to know he will be having a Son. His dreams of playing cricket and rugby with his boy were filled in that one instant. Dreams of teaching his boy the secrets of men. Passing down his name. That manly bond. All the things that every man secretly desires. His love of his girls will never falter, or never differ, but now he gets to experience the bond between man and son. Like I experience Woman and Daughter. 

My dreams of seeing what our little boy will look like will be fulfilled. Experiencing that unwavering love and admiration a Son has for his Mother. Seeing the difference between my Daughters and my Son, girls and boys. Dreams of experiencing both sides of the gender wheel, having both sides of the conversation of life. Watching my Son grow to marry his wife, treat her like I have taught him teach a woman. Shaping him to be soft, gentle, caring, empathetic and respectful. The type of man his Father is. 

While we both would have been just as fullfilled with another Daughter, the moment we found out we were having a Son was just... different. Nerve racking, exciting, confusing, overwhelming and simply amazing.

Going into the scan I was concerned that there may have been an issue with BooBoo as my body hasn't grown as much as it had with Zalia. I was worried that he might not have been growing and gaining weight. But he is perfectly healthy and is measuring a few days behind date, but completely normal. 

This week has been filled with nothing other than preparing to move out the baby pinks and move in the baby blues. Thinking about boys names. Imagining the shift in the atmosphere in our home. Dreaming of the love between Sisters and Brother. Dreaming of matchbox cars, soccer balls and diggers. It has been a week of changing the dreams of my future for this sweet child, from a future of building a woman and her self image and confidence, to building a man with dignity and respect. 

I am filled with delight

Surviving

The last ten months of my life, the first ten months of Zalia's, has been a long and hard road to self discovery. While I watched her tiny little body writhe and scream in pain, I could feel my soul being tortured by the pain of hers. While I fought to make life easier for her, I forgot to fight for myself and so I slowly, but surely, drifted away. 

I became someone that I did not recognise, with thoughts that felt like nightmares. My body ached in a loneliness that I cannot begin to describe. My heart would constrict and I felt suffocated by my own body. My mind was no longer my own. My feelings towards the people I love changed, my view on life was obscured and my belief in myself was non-existent. Whilst my mind became warped by the exhaustion I was suffering, my past began to haunt me. 

My entire life I have always apologised for not being good enough, for being too boring, for being shy. I apologised for not being more like other people, for not knowing how to make people happy, for being a constant disappointment. Through all those years of doubting myself and apologising for my person I was very rarely corrected, comforted or relieved. These thoughts, this low self image that I carried, started to leak into my Mothering and I felt stripped of any abilities I once believed I had as a Mother.

I have only said these words out loud to my psychologist, but I am at a point in my recovery now where I feel like it is time to bare bones, show my skeletons. I would have days, in my darkest days, where I would walk up and down the roads aimlessly and I would daydream about admitting myself to hospital. Just to escape, to press pause, to take a leave of absence. From my body, my home, my life... mostly, from my thoughts. I wanted so desperately to be away from the self loathing, the self doubt, the hate. 

I do not suffer from post natal depression, but I do suffer from depression. I have, on and off, since I was a teenager. In amongst this depression that comes and goes, like waves upon the shore, I had taught myself that I was of no worth. I have suffered desperate depression, which flared up to its absolute worst after Zalia was born. Not because of her birth, or her life, or presence, but because of the five months worth of two hours of a sleep a night... every night. The complete exhaustion. The utter desperation. There is something to be said for sleep deprivation, it is a powerful torture. I became delusional, erratic, dark and... different.

I am on the road to recovery. It has been a long and dark, twisty road. With lots of turns, forks and surprises. The thing about depression is that only you can make it better, with the help and assistance of people who are qualified. With my hand being held, I have fought my way to the top and I am looking back thinking phew. 

Along the road I have been able to discover myself and qualities that I never even knew I possessed. I am breaking all those self loathing thoughts and I have changed my entire view of myself. I have always believed I was shy, but over the past few months I have learnt that I am neither shy, nor unlikeable. I have been able to walk into a room of strangers and I have actually been able to find words. Not only find them, but speak them. I have opened my eyes and in doing so I have filled my life with the most incredible people. Friendships. Real friendships, where I no longer feel like I might be boring the person. Where I no longer question why they are sitting with me. 

I have been suffering depression, but it has opened doors, turned on lights and changed my life. I am a better person for it, I am a better partner to Anthony, I am a better Mother for my children and I am a friend. I am a better me. 

This post has been completely mixed up, random thoughts spat out, with no true point other than to say... I am a survivor. 

And you can be too