My Breastfeeding Journey

 

I happened to be unfortunate enough to be born with an inverted nipple. Until I became sexually active, it was never something that effected me or my life. It wasn't until I became aware of my body in its naked form, what was normal and what wasn't, that I became embarrassed of how my breasts appeared. But before long I accepted my body for all of its flaws and my inverted nipple was no longer something I thought of, or even noticed. 

Until I fell pregnant with Evelyn and it suddenly occurred to me, 'what if I cant breastfeed?'. I spoke of my concerns and was told not to worry. So I didn't. Until Evelyn was born and it turned out that I actually couldn't breast feed her. No matter how hard I tried.  

After the pain and disappoint that came with failing to breastfeed my first born my natural reaction when I fell pregnant with Zalia was to decide that I wouldn't even try to breastfeed. I told myself that this decision was the best decision for me and my baby. I didn't think it was worth putting myself through the torment of trying, of hoping and then failing once again. I really didn't think I would be able to take it.

Until I found the niplette. I spent days trawling the internet looking for success stories and I found many! So with a new fire burning within my belly and a heart full of hope, I went out and bought the niplette and started using it for hours every day. Before long I started noticing a real difference in the shape of my nipple. What used to disappear back inwards when I tried to draw it out, was now popping out like a normal nipple with just a small push. I was sure that I would now be able to breastfeed but still too scared of the disappoint to say the words out a loud. 

When Zalia was born and I fed her for the first time, she had no problems latching on to my good side, however on the inverted side she just wouldn't try. But then, late at night (or early in the morning), after Anthony had gone home and tiredness was beginning to take hold, the fire in my belly still burning strong, she just did it. On her own. No help, no pressure. It just happened and I squealed in delight. I instantly ran Anthony and woke him up and exclaimed, 'she is breastfeeding!'. 

She fed so well in that sitting and I was so proud of her, of myself. I was truly suprised that it was actually happening and that I may actually be able to have a successful breastfeeding story. I was excited and looking forward to going on this journey with my second born Daughter. 

However, after several feeds the nipple began to crack and bleed and she began to refuse that breast. I tried, over and over, but she just kept cracking it further and then spitting it out. So I decided to take a break and let the nipple heal itself while I expressed from that side and fed from the other. Then I tried again. She latched on! She fed! Well!

And she has successfully fed with every feed ever since. My heart is just completely over filled with joy and pride. I never thought I would be able to breastfeed my babies. I had resigned myself to that fact and I had, mostly, accepted that. But I am now four weeks into my breast feeding journey and not a single tear has been shed over failing my baby. 

I am now a breastfeeding Mother. I wear that title as a badge of honour. I wear my baby, in public, while I feed her as a badge of honour. I am no longer hiding in the shadows, like I did while I tried feeding Evelyn. I feed Zalia where ever we need and I feel proud. I hold my head up high and I swell with happiness.

When I failed to breastfeed Evelyn it was a true disappointment. I felt like I had let everyone down, Evelyn, myself, Anthony, society. I judged myself, the public judged me when I pulled out a bottle. I still find myself upset over the fact that I failed her. You can never truly understand how much breastfeeding can effect a Mother until the choice is taken away from her. It broke my heart and my spirit and it will forever be a form of bonding that was regretfully not an option for us and I will forever crave. Now that I am able to breastfeed Zalia, I am painfully aware of how empty not being able to do it for Evelyn makes me feel. 

But, at the end of the day, I did what I could for Evelyn in the best way I knew how. My body did not allow for me to feed her, but I made up for it (and continue to) in every other way. Before Zalia was born, I questioned wether I wanted to actually go through with feeding her because I felt like that was unfair on Evelyn. But, now that she is here and I am feeding, I wouldn't change a thing, with either Daughter. 

Each Daughter and I had a journey that we were destined to go on together, they just happened to be different. I am just grateful and blessed that I have been given the opportunity to go on both. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

I am a breastfeeding Mummy... finally

   

Public breastfeeding... why I believe it is a "problem"

There has been outrage in Australia today from breast feeding Mothers, well, from Mothers in general in fact, as a result of this story where a woman was asked to move herself and her feeding baby into the bathrooms or to cover up under a towel in a corner somewhere. There have been arguments for and against this woman's right to sit by the pool and breastfeed her Daughter. There have been several public comments regarding this woman, any breast feeding woman, which have now in turn, caused an online argument. 

Now, I am not going to attack these certain people who have made these ignorant comments. Because that is their opinion and so be it. But what I do what to do is talk about why it is that society is becoming so offended by the sight of a woman doing what she is naturally built to do. Why society, especially the men in our society, find breast feeding to be so repulsive. Anthony and I have been discussing this issue for the better part of the afternoon and what started out talking about the simple fact of breastfeeding, turned into situations where breastfeeding could be confronting, to plunging necklines.

I firmly believe that the reason breastfeeding in public is still a topic in todays world is because of the sexualisation of women's breast, by both men and women. At some point, breasts became more about pleasure and appearance, rather than their function. Unless you (as a generalisation) are currently smack bang in the middle of a breast feeding journey, wether it be yourself or your partner or a family member, then you lose your understanding of what breasts were actually created for. I find that for men especially, before they have experienced their partner breastfeeding their baby, they are incapable of being able to see this action for what it is. But rather, see it as offensive, rude, confronting and uncomfortable. 

Anthony tonight said to me "the only situation I could see that breastfeeding could be confronting in, would be out at a dinner party, at the table". Now Anthony is pro-breast feeding and I know that sharing this comment will make him look less than desirable but stay with me. At first, I was a little shocked by the comment and I responded to him with, "but hang on, why is it ok for someone like say, me pre-Evelyn, to sit at the table with a low cut dress on and have everything on display, but it is not okay for a woman to nurse her child". I then proceeded to show him this post and tell him how completely ridiculous he was being.

After talking it through a little more he did manage to clear a few things up for me, and say something that proves my sexualisation point. He went on to tell me that he is not a fan of plunging necklines. Yes they look good, from far away, he says, but when I am sitting at a dinner table and someone has their breasts out on display like that I, and every other man, have to make a conscious effort to not drop my eyes. He then says this one line... This one line is what changed the way I was going to approach this post. He says "because then everyone at that table will see me drop my eyes and then I am the pervert". 

Pervert. That is the true problem here. The problem is not that this woman had too much on display nor is it that she was making people uncomfortable to see her breastfeeding. The problem is that someone would have seen her and they would have felt uncomfortable because they then become the pervert. The problem is, that people see a breastfeeding woman and in their minds, they want to see more, or they like what they see, then they feel guilty and then they feel like a pervert. The problem is not the act of breastfeeding, it is the reaction to the act. The problem, to the people who have a problem with breastfeeding, is that they cannot accept that those breasts should be used to feed a child, they only see those breasts for pleasure and appearance.

Prude. These are the people who believe it is inappropriate. These are the people who also let the sexualisation of a woman's breast affect the way they view breast feeding. These are the people who think, how dare they be doing that while my husband can see, while my children can see. The prudes, are those who are so afraid of what breasts have become. They cannot understand anymore that breasts have a function. Again, the true problem is the sexualisation of breasts and the inability to be able to accept that breasts are created to feed. The problem is the reaction to the act.

Now, I am in the camp of "discreet" feeding as I personally just dont feel comfortable accidentally showing myself. But, discreet does not mean in a change room, a bathroom, a car or under a blanket. Discreet means to be modest. But, in saying that, some woman are ok with accidentally showing themselves and... who cares? We all know what a breast looks like, half of us have them, the other half love them. If this woman was a single woman with no kids and a banging body who was getting changed by the pool and accidentally threw a boob, there would be no complaint. You know why? Because, the people who have the problem, the people who enjoyed it, would not feel guilty for doing so. 

Breasts were created firstly for feeding our children, then for pleasure, and lastly for appearance. We, as woman, should be able to feed whenever and where ever we need, free of judgement. Our children, should be able to feed when they are hungry without having a towel over their heads. And we, as a society, should be supporting breastfeeding in anyway we can, that means... not complaining about it in the first place.

Are we to be sentenced to 6 months living on the lounge? Never to step into public for as long as our children are required to feed from us? Will this make these people more comfortable? Should we be putting their comfortability before the comfort of our own children, and ourselves? Does a woman feeding her child really affect these people and their days to such an extent that it is worth complaining about? Worth even talking about? At the end of the day, if I breastfeed my child in public...

Does it even really matter?

The 'Niplette' may just be the answer to my prayers

Before I start writing this post I want to make some things clear. Im sure a lot of us have been following the 'get off my internets' forum discussion and there seems to be a lot of discussion about how to identify blog posts that are sponsored or reviews or giveaways or anything that relates to a product. So I want to start by saying that this was in no way gifted to me, sponsored, paid for, nor will it lead to a give away. This is simply a product that I have been using out of desperation to be able to breast feed my coming baby.

So, with that said. Let me remind you that I had a lot of trouble breast feeding Evelyn and it was a battle that I lost with great disappointment and sadness. I still find it a highly emotional topic to talk about or to even think back to. When I first fell pregnant with Jelly I had convinced myself that breast feeding this baby would not be important to me and that if I could make the first four weeks work then I would be happy with that. Which I will be. But I have now set my goals higher.

I want to be able to breast feed Jelly for fair longer than four weeks. I want to be able to have that bond that I never had with Evelyn. I feel guilty about the prospect of it actually working with Jelly, where it didn't with Evelyn. Im not sure if this will make sense to you, but I feel jealous of the bond that could occur with Jelly. I feel let down that it didn't occur with Evelyn. It confuses me to feel this way and I have a lot of trouble trying to make sense of it. On one hand, I want so badly to breastfeed Jelly but on the other hand I don't want to. I don't want to because I didn't get to do that for Evelyn, or with her. I want to because I didn't get to do that with Evelyn. How does it make sense to be jealous of a relationship that hasn't even begun yet? Furthermore, how does it make sense to be jealous of your own relationship?

Regardless of all of these confused emotions, I decided a long time ago to start looking into ways to be able to help me along my breast feeding journey. My first stop was to look at corrective surgery. After much extensive research and discussion with Drs and Anthony, this was just not an option I was willing to take. Considering my bad reactions to General anaesthetic, the recovery time that would ensue and my lack of a village to call upon, surgery was out. So I began to look online for any suggestions on how to correct an inverted nipple and I came across this strange looking thing.

       Buy it here

It is called a 'Niplette' and is made my Avent. When Evelyn was born and it became apparent that I needed something to help me pull out my nipple, Anthony and I scoured the baby stores and the chemists and we found something that was just called a 'Nipple Puller'. Im not sure how to describe it, it had a small little pump on the end, like a baster pump. And you put the suction cap over your nipple and pumped the baster. It was ridiculous and didnt even take hold of my skin let alone begin to pull my nipple out. But this, this actually works! You place that little cap over your nipple and it is connected to a syringe which you then draw out. The pressure is strong but not painful and it is controllable, unlike trying to use the breast pump! 

Image Credit

So every day for the last month and a half, I have been using this while I walk around the house. And each and every day my nipple pulls out a little bit further. Precious to the niplette when I tried to "draw" my nipple out of its inversion it would actually invert further... But now? Now I can actually push my nipple out! It still sits inverted but it now has the ability to draw out and almost look like the other side. I will continue to use this until I am 7 months pregnant* and then I will make sure that it is packed in my hospital bag and put it on just before feeding Jelly to help bring the nipple out before latching. 

So, I think, after another couple of weeks of using this little device, I will actually be able to feed Jelly! Naturally. On my own! I could not be more proud of myself for persisting with this and actually finding a solution to my problem, without the help of midwives who laugh the problem off. Without the emotions of failure or disappointment. I feel as though I have really achieved something and my fingers will be crossed that the results at the end will be successful.

I know there are some of you who have the same condition as I do so I hope that you will find this helpful for your next baby and breast feeding adventure. I will come back here after Jelly is born and update you on wether it actually worked or not, but at this point the results are remarkable.

**Please note: If you are going to use this device, only use it up to 7 months pregnant, as nipple stimulation can bring on contractions **

When Breast Isn't Best

When I was pregnant with Evelyn I made many decisions about how my life, my household and my parenting choices were going to play out once she arrived. Many of them unrealistic, some of them ill informed, others based on judging the choices of other parents. There is a lot of information we are fed before we have babies and mostly, we don't go digging for any further information. We take the booklets, we listen to the advice, we see other's mistakes and theirs triumphs and we start to make our own choices and decisions based on this. But the reality is, that this information isn't the only, or even the best, information.

While I was pregnant with Evelyn, there was so much about pregnancy, about birth, about parenting that I just didn't know. I wish they told you about the bad and the gory as well as the pleasant and the simple. I wish I was more read. I wish I had have been better prepared. Because once she was here, I had to struggle with the shock and then the disappointment and mostly the guilt of all the things that went so horribly wrong.

We each have our own stories about those first few months with a baby, finding our feet, getting to know each other. Figuring out what works best for us and trying to find a way to make our new lives work. We each have our own stories about how we prepare for the day we are to bring our new baby home and the months that are to follow. My story is quite simple really, but it is an emotional one that still, 17 months later, can make me cry. I thought I was prepared. I thought I had it all under control. The nursery was done, the car seat was installed, the bassinets was made and my mind and heart was ready.

The night I went into labour I was so very excited that the time was finally now and in not too long at all, I would be holding my precious Daughter. We went to the hospital and I endured my 33 hours of labour and then... there she was. Here she is. With me and ready to bond as Mother and Daughter. Our very first moments to be her naked body, next to mine. We were wrapped up in a new kind of love that I will never find the words to explain. Then came the time to feed my new born, crying baby. Not once did my mind ever consider that this may be hard. I put baby to breast and she latched on and suckled away perfectly. The midwives checked to see that all was as it should be, and as it was, they left me to be, new Mother and new Baby. Little did they, or I, know that this would not work so perfectly on the other side.

Before owning a blog I had never admitted this to another person but I have one inverted nipple. Before I was a Mother, I never knew the complications that an inverted nipple can carry. Not once in my preparation to become a breast feeding Mother did I come across any information about how this could affect me and my baby. I did once sit down with a midwife and express my concern about how this may affect my breast feeding journey and she laughed at me. I had to beg her to look at my nipple and beg her to tell me if and how this could change my path. She laughed. She sighed and rolled her eyes. Took a quick look. Rolled her eyes again and then said it'd be fine. She did not discuss with me that it can in fact be a problem. She did not discuss with me that many women cannot breast feed with an inverted nipple. She did not discuss that some women have an operation to have their inverted nipples fixed. She did not talk with me and about nipple pullers, nipple shields, nipple anything. She simply rolled her eyes and ushered me out of her office.

I didn't pursue this any further as it was too humiliating to show your breasts to someone to have them laugh at you and I tried to forget that a problem may be sitting in my bra that will affect the course of my bonding with my baby.

Once Evelyn was here and I saw that this inverted nipple is actually cause for concern, I was to shy and embarrassed to call on the midwives and because they thought I didn't have any troubles, they never asked. I was sent home, unable to feed this new child of mine. Unable to care and nurture her in the best way I could. I went home with an attitude full of fight and hope and I truly believed that I was going to be able to figure this out on my own. This just wasn't so.

After a week of trying every angle I could possibly try to have Evelyn latch onto my left breast my spirits begun to break and my fight begun to falter. I started to feel like a failure. After all, isn't breast feeding meant to be natural? Isn't breast feeding what we are meant to do? Isn't it my responsibility as a Mother to ensure that my baby is given the best and isn't breast, best? 

I can still remember sitting on the side of my bed when Evelyn was 4 weeks old and I was crying to Anthony. Inconsolably. Sobbing. 

I am a failure!

This is the one thing I meant to do naturally, and I cant do it... what kind of a Mother is that setting me up to be?

I cant make my own baby happy. I cant give her what she needs. I am starving her

No one ever told me that breast feeding might not work. No one ever told me that shape or size of your boobs can make it more difficult. No one talks about flat or inverted nipples. No one talks about a bad sucking reflex, low milk supply, cracked and bleeding nipples. No one tells you that it might not work. All they tell you, they hammer into you, is that breast is best.

But what if its not?

I tried so hard to work out a way to be able to feed my baby. I tried every single brand of nipple shield I could find, none of which Evelyn would go anywhere near. I found a device called a nipple puller, its purpose was to draw my nipple out, but rather, it just made it invert even more. I spent hours upon hours in a hot shower or bath trying to draw the nipple out myself, to the point of turning my boob black and blue. I tried to express with a pump from that side, which split my entire nipple in two and instead of expressing milk out of that nipple, my bottle filled with blood. I tried to manually express every hour from that breast, to the point of causing carpel tunnel in my wrists. I tried feeding from only the right side, to the point that my right breast was two cup sizes larger than my left.

I found myself at a breast feeding clinic crying. Heaving, hysterical big breaths of absolute despair and complete defeat. The nurse looked at me and simply said "breast is only best, when it is best for Mother and child". At that point I knew, that breast feeding just wasn't going to work for me. I knew, that if I wanted to create a happy baby and a happy family, I had to admit defeat and let it go. On the way home, I bought my first tin of formula.

I breastfed Evelyn, exclusively, for the first seven weeks of her life. Back then, that was a failure. But today, this is an accomplishment. I introduced my first bottle of formula at seven weeks old and I continued to feed Evelyn from the one breast in the morning and in the evening until she was three months old. 

To me, breast just wasn't best. To me, to continue down the breast feeding path would have caused major destruction. Mental and emotional destruction. I still feel like I haven't quite lived up to the my role of being a Mother and I still feel such a huge amount of guilt for buying that tin of formula. But what I need to remind myself is that before that tin, Evelyn and I were both two very unhappy girls. Crying all through the days and nights. And after? We were at peace. We finally had the energy and strength to bond with each other. We had finally found a sense of happiness and normalcy. 

In the end I had to make a decision that was best for both my baby and I and in our case, breast just wasn't best. I will try again with baby Jelly. But I will not place so much importance and pressure on what is so trivial in the grand scheme of things. 

Your health is just as important, if not more, than the way your baby eats. So if you find yourself in a similar situation just remember that Mum and Baby need to be nurtured!