Hair pulling, be gone!

For the past 12 months I had been slowing watching Evelyn pull out her hair. I first started to really notice a difference in the appearance of her hair at 18 months old. Every morning her bald spots were a little bigger and every morning I felt a little more devastated. 

While I was away in hospital giving birth to Zalia it became so very bad that the only option we had left was to shave her hair off. I was irrationally upset about this, sobbing my way through that hair cut (and every other buzz cut afterwards). Evelyn did have some of the most beautiful golden blonde curls that I would run my fingers through all the time. To see them fall to the ground was just devastating.

After about 7 weeks of having it short we thought that we had broken the habit and started to let it grow out again. But within a couple of weeks of it being that little bit longer I started to notice new thinning spots beginning. So, we buzz cut it again.

Then, one day Evelyn was so very naughty. She kicked Zalia and the continued to kick me and Zalia after I had tried to tell her to stop. I lost my temper and sent her to her room without her Dummy. I went back in after a couple of minutes and asked her to apologise, to which she yelled at me and refused. So I left her again. After which she actually fell asleep, without the dummy.

So I decided that I would try and take the dummy away from her again. This was my fourth attempt at doing this and I was so very nervous. In the past when I have tried it has completely changed her personality. For the worse. This particular night I put her back to bed and told her the dummy doesn't work anymore. She was asleep in 10 minutes.

The next day I gave her the dummy and showed her that it was broken* and that it doesn't work anymore. She promptly through the dummy in the bin. That has basically been the last we have spoken about it! She doesn't fall asleep as easily anymore but she does go to sleep, without tantrums and without asking. She sleeps the night through (mostly) and I have even found that she appears to be a lot happier.

Since the removal of the dummy, coupled with the short hair, it has now been growing in thick and fast! You can barely tell there was any bald spots at all and I am now able to let it all grow out! I am hanging for her to have enough length to be able to put in a pretty clip, a piggy tail and run my fingers through her curls.

I know hair pulling really is no serious illness or health concern so it never should have bothered me at all. But if I can be perfectly honest, it really has upset me so very much over the past 12 months. Now that it is over I can breathe a sigh of relief and it can just be a thing of the past!

I have had so many of you contact me with tips and advice, your personal experiences and questions. For that, I want to thank you all! It was really so encouraging and relieving to be able to talk to other people who were watching their children do the same thing and know that it wasn't a great concern. 

If you have any further questions I will be happy to answer them for you.

Celebrating Two

Before Zalia was born I had put much time, thought and effort into planning a birthday party for Evelyn's second birthday. It became so very important to me to put on a big day for her, with everyone she knows and loves. With an abundance of decorations, a heap of games, a desert table and of course a fanciful cake. I thought she needed it. I was convinced that once Zalia was born she would feel forgotten, unloved and uncelebrated. Not only by me, but by our friends and family who were visiting to meet Zalia. Especially because Zalia was due SO close to Evelyn's birthday.

I planned this said birthday party for ten months. I started with a circus theme, with a box office ticket booth at our front door, games such as throw the clown shoe and bobbing apples. I then decided on a "very hungry caterpillar" theme. Which then turned into a sunshine theme. Until reality set in and I decided that she didn't need games or decorations. She didn't need a desert table and she didn't even need a big fanciful cake. All she needed was to know her family and friends love her, remember her and celebrate her.

So my plans fell to the wayside and I settled for a very simple day and simple celebrations. We began the day with a sleep in. I woke Evelyn for her to find her room full of balloons and Daddy and I singing Happy Birthday to her. We took her to the lounge room where her pile of presents were waiting for her. She had the best time ripping each and every present openly, slowly and cautiously, making sure she placed all the rubbish in a pile. My little clean freak.

We all piled into the car and made our way to the Sydney Aquarium. With Zalia sleeping in the pram it gave me the freedom to hold my Daughter's hand and run from fish tank to fish tank, giggling and squealing in the pure delight of experiencing something new. She was so truly excited, dragging me around yelling "more, more, fishies". I had so much fun chasing her around the place and pointing out the fish, stingrays and sharks and she took such delight in the entire experience. I don't think there was a moment that I wasn't smiling.

We had her favourite dinner, a roast chicken, for dinner. All three of us at the big table, while Zalia slept soundly. Followed by a very simple packet mix cake which she helped to decorate. We sang her Happy Birthday and she blew out the candles. Again. And Again. It was more fun than the eating of the cake!

On the weekend we had her Bebe, Great Ma, Aunty Lex and cousins come over for morning tea. The kids decorated cupcakes and run wild while the adults delighted in playing and celebrating these young years of our children. 

On the following Monday we met up with her Mothers Group friends and we celebrated all of these beautiful babies turning two, and knowing each other, supporting each other and surviving the first two years of our first born children.

Leading up to Evelyn's birthday I felt like I may be letting her down by not organising a big day for her. We put so much pressure on ourselves to perform, come our children's birthday's. But the reality is, all they want from us is for us to be with them. To celebrate them. To play with them. To love them. And that is what we did and we had the best birthday celebrations because of it.

Happy Birthday my little two year old, I love you Dear Evelyn Rose

Dear 2 year old you...

In the blink of an eye you became a girl. Two years have passed by since you came into my life and yet it feels like only yesterday that I held your teeny 7 pound, 11 ounce body, cradled in my arms against my bare chest. Singing to you, for the very first time, hush little baby. 

It seems like only a moment ago that I gave you your last feed from my body. I wrapped you for the very last time. I remember the moment you rolled over for the first time, the moment you began to crawl and that very first step you took. I remember your first words and your first food. I remember every fall and every single spot I have had to kiss better. I know the songs that will calm you down and the way to cuddle you when you are sad. I know where you are ticklish and where you are not. I know what makes you laugh and what makes you cry.

I know you, inside and out. I remember every milestone, I even remember the things that are not so important. I know all of this because you have become my life. From the moment you entered our lives, from the moment I became a Mother and you became my Daughter, I have dedicated myself to raising you, to loving you. 

You bring sunshine into my life. You make every moment brighter. You have made life fuller. I am so proud of the young girl you have become. You are caring and kind, gentle and compassionate. I will dedicate the rest of my life to nurturing all of your characteristics, supporting your dreams and I will cheer you on in all that you endeavour. 

I look at you and I fill with pride, love and adoration.

Happy Birthday my baby girl... go softly, step gently and dream big
You will make it far in this world, you will make it where ever you want to go and I will be right beside you, loving you in every step that you take

I love you, Dear Evelyn Rose
xxx

Dear Big Sister

Dear Evelyn,

Your life has recently changed. In the biggest, most shocking way it could possibly change. You have been our only focus for just shy of two years, our first-born Daughter, our baby girl. We have given you the best possible life we could give you and we have filled your days with smiles, laughter, kisses and memories. We have loved you with every fibre of our bodies, with an endless love. You have filled our lives with a happiness that cannot be described.

This week, we created something new. You have become a Big Sister to our second-born Daughter. This week, Mama and Daddy changed your life in the most miraculous way and you have embraced your new life with grace and with ease. We have given you the most beautiful gift a little girl can ever receive. A Sister. A best friend. An accomplice and a confidant. 

The friendship between two Sisters is a most magical friendship and you are blessed to have this little girl in your life. I know that you will both love each other, completely. I know that your relationship will twist and turn, grow and change. You will protect each other, support each other and love each other. I am proud to be able to give this gift to you and I am excited to watch it take its form.

In the last week you have changed, in all the right ways. You have taken on your new role as a Big Sister so wonderfully. You stroke Zalia's head with gentle hands, you ask if she is okay with sincere compassion. You comfort her as she cries and you help Mummy to make her feel better. You watch over her with love in your heart and adoration in your eyes. You are loving and gentle, just like I knew you would be.

I am so proud of you. I watch you, watching Zalia and my heart just explodes. I cannot help but cry, tears of pure happiness. I cannot help but just overflow with happiness and pride and joy. You have always been my soft, gentle baby girl and the way you are accepting your little Sister into your life just makes me know you are always going to be the most compassionate, loving girl I will ever know. You make me so proud, Evelyn. 

You are so excited about your Baby. You wake in the mornings and run to see her. If you wake at night you ask to see her. You look at her and smile. You hold her and laugh. You tell strangers that she yours, "my baby", you say. You love her and there has not yet been a moment where you haven't. 

Mummy loves you Evelyn. So very much. Tonight I sat in bed with you and you held my hands and we talked and played and giggled. I was so happy being there with you and spending that time with you that tears began to fall down my face. I was afraid, before Zalia was born, that I would miss you. And I do. I miss being able to pick you up with every request and give you my undivided attention. But we have a new groove now and I make sure that you and I spend our time alone. I make sure that I cherish the moments we have together. I make sure that you know you are always my girl and you will always be loved. 

I want you to know that no matter where my attention is, you are always in my heart. I want you to know that if you ever feel neglected or forgotten, that you never will be. You own my heart and now Zalia has created another that she will own. But yours will always be there. I will always love you both equally and I will always fight to make sure you know that.

You are wonderful, Evelyn. You are kind and soft and gentle. You are everything and more, than I ever could have dreamed of. You make me, and your Daddy, so truly proud. My life is brighter because you are in it.

I love you, Sweet Darling.
Love Mama
xx

Dear 23 Month Old You...

You became a 23 month old girl almost two weeks ago and I am embarrassed to admit that the day went by without either of us noticing that it was the day. The day that you became more Evelyn and less Mummy's baby. Our lives have been full to the brim with growing and learning, successes and failures, battles that we have lost and battles that we have won. Each day we wake up and we try to concur the day the best way we know how and then we both crash in bed in a state of pure exhaustion. Before I knew it, you were 23 months old and I had not even noticed!

I may not have noticed the date and the particular day that you reached that milestone. The month before you are two. But I have noticed, every single day, how much you grow. Intellectually, physically, mentally. Every day you are just that little bit more and every day I love you so much more than the last. When you were first born I received a message from a very old friend that I had not spoken to for years and she said to me "you will think you love her as much as you can, until you wake up tomorrow". That message has stayed with me and every morning I wake up and I know exactly what she means. 

Every time you smile my love for you grows. Every cuddle and kiss, my heart explodes. Every "mama" you speak, my heart doubles. Every time you showcase something new you learn, it backflips. I will never, ever, truly be able to express to you how it feels to have a child and to love that child. The words just do not exist. There is nothing in this world that is comparable. No one can ever truly understand the love of a Mother, until they are a Mother themselves. So for me to begin to try and describe the depth of my love to you, it would be a loss. Instead I will tell you that I love you and that one day you will understand just how big and real and strong that love really is.

The past month has been a hard one. You have been challenging and trialling, you test my patience and my kindness and yet you make me crumble into a ball of happiness, love and pride. You are stretching your independence and pushing your boundaries. You are working out what you are capable of and you are pulling away from how much you need your Mum. But in all of these moments you still hold me close, still look over your shoulder to make sure I am there. You still run to me for love, help, support and encouragement. 

You have conquered your big girl bed with such ease and grace. Every time I tuck you in at night, I walk away from you with a singing heart. Each morning that awake and I havent heard from all night, my heart sings a little bit more. I put you into that bed with great hesitation and fear. But you proved to me just how much of a big girl you really are. Your day naps are near nigh impossible since the transition, however. Your new found freedom is too distracting and you just cannot possibly miss out on a minute of life by being in bed asleep. This has been a hard transition for me, but one that I coming to accept.

Your tantrums are bigger and stronger. They are confronting and testing. But with every tantrum you throw I try to explain to myself that you are trying to work out what the world means. Why your Mum is saying no. Why she doesnt understand you. Why you dont understand me. You are only just beginning to understand the world and in doing so you have are beginning to realise that you are not the centre of the world. These lessons are hard lessons and will take some time for you to grasp and until then I need to learn patience and calmness. I need to learn to sit back and let you work it out. 

You are my best friend, baby girl. You come every where with me and you do everything with me. You are my helper, helping me to unpack the groceries, pay the lady, take the money, open the doors. You make my life brighter, lighter and happier. I have had 23 months with you by my side and I could not imagine my life being any other way. You are my light and I love you so very dearly.

I love you, Evelyn Rose x

Things I never want to forget

Evelyn is forever changing. Her voice, her looks, her height, her mannerisms. Each and every day, something is different. They are amazing little beings, these toddlers. So eager to learn, so desperate to grow. I wish that I could stop time and soak it all in, I wish I could bottle up her now and keep it on my shelf forever. The days just slip by us and time disappears and some mornings I wake up and the Evelyn I knew is no longer there. I love her all the same, I love her even more, but I miss the little things, the things I will soon forget.

All the little things that I want to hold onto so tightly, the little things I never want to see her grow out. They are the things that only I can love the way I do, they are the things that most people don't see, or they correct. But I love these moments, these mannerisms, the words, the understandings that only Evelyn can have, and only she can have now. I cant bottle her now up, I cant keep it forever. Sadly, it will slip us by, just like the days and this Evelyn will be a 'remember when' Evelyn. 

So, here are a few of my favourite things about Evelyn's now, that I never want to forget.

-- Mummy is very heavily pregnant and often requires the help of Daddy to get up off the lounge, or the ground, or out of the car. You have learnt that for me to go from sitting to standing, Daddy has to pull me up and so now, when you want me to come with you, you will come and hold my hand and say 'Mama, pulllll, up, walk'. You drag me by the hand and take me to where ever you want to go. 

Every single time you "pull" me up, my heart melts. I love the way your mind understands this situation. I love that when you do this in public only you and I understand what you mean and most of all... I love the face you make as you say that very word - pull

-- Every single time I get you out of the car, without a doubt, you stand there and you wait patiently for me, with your hand in the air waiting for me to put mine in yours. You walk so gently on this earth, taking each step with such thought and caution. At this stage in your life, you need a little support to take your steps. You need your Mummy's hand. I never want that to stop. I love that you need me, that you trust that the world will always be okay, as long as your hand is in mine. I cherish these moments because I need you too. My world is always okay when your hand is in mine.

-- Once we start walking and you know that you are safe because you are with me, and I am with you. You, always, look at me with your love eyes. Every time. You look up at me with sparkling eyes, full of wanderlust, full of love and full of trust. In that moment, your eyes appear bigger than they are. In that moment, I know that you heart is swollen. Just as mine is. Swollen with happiness and love. Because you are mine and I am yours and we will forever walk this earth together.

-- If you are not holding my hand, you are holding your Daddy's hand. There is a difference between the way you walk with him, compared to how you walk with me. A difference that I will never truly understand, nor do I want to. But I can see that it is there. You walk with a different air, a confidence. As you and your Daddy walk in front of me, I always smile. I am watching one of the most beautiful bonds grow, a bond between Daddy and Daughter. He loves you, with an intensity that you and I will always be in awe of. 

-- You cherish your friendships. You are not even two years old and you hold them so close to you. You watch them with care, you care about them with love, you share with them with passion and you fight with them like siblings. You cherish all your friendships, with baby boys and baby girls, with Mummy's friends and with Daddy's friends. You are so kind and gentle and loving. Your friends love you which is so very important to me. For you to be loved, to know that you are loved. If I can control life, I would make sure that you never know neglect and rejection. 

-- Today I saw you with a baby for the very first time. You were fascinated. You loved him. You were soft and gentle and curious. I just know that you are going to make the most brilliant big Sister. I loved seeing you with that baby today and I cant wait to see you with our baby. 

-- Your smile. The way you smile with me. The way you smile at me. Everything about your smile right now. Its beautiful. Its toothy. Its cute. It is just perfect.

-- They way you say your words. There are words that I never want to forget.

Bobble ~ Bottle
Bro-ee ~ Brodie
Kite     ~ Light
Powpa ~ Powder
Ceem  ~ Cream

I may not be able to bottle your now but I can make sure I remember it. I love you and everything about you right now. I will be sad to see these moments go but with every day that slips by and each moment that slowly goes with it, there is a new day and a new moment that I love just as much.

Your Big Girl Bed

It is amazing the things that can upset a Mother and yet, in the very same breath, can fill a Mother with pride and joy. I find that I am feeling these two conflicting feelings more and more the older that Evelyn becomes. Which each milestone that she reaches I find that I grieve the loss of my baby but I rejoice and celebrate in the arrival of her person. So conflicting, so confusing.

Our latest milestone, has been the transition from a little girls cot to a big girls bed. Such a big step. A step that reminds me how quickly time has gone by. How much she has grown in such little time. But a step that shows me just how little she still is. Her tiny little body swimming in amongst those sheets and blankets and space. It is a gentle reminder that although I think she is growing so fast, she is still so little and still has so much growing to do.

Her transition from the cot to the big bed has made me nothing but proud. So very proud. It has been two nights now and one day nap. Without a single hiccup. The first night she was unsure and apprehensive but with gentle encouragement and support, reassurance that we are just outside and will be here if ever she needs, she drifted off into a deep sleep, surrounded by the teddies she loves and her new blankets and pillows. 

Her day nap made me most proud. She played on her bed for 20 minutes, without taking the lunge off the edge and then she simply laid her head down and drifted off into three hours of sleep. Not once leaving her bed to play or leave. My heart swelled with pride and my eyes with tears of joy.

Putting Evelyn to bed now is such a delight. I get to sit with her, lay with her, read to her and snuggle her. Before I go to bed, I walk in and can simply kiss her on the head. She is reachable, touchable. She is beautiful. 

I grieve the loss of my baby. But I am rejoicing in the arrival of this perfect, beautiful little girl. This girl full of light and beauty, kindness and love. She is no longer my baby, she is her own self. Her own person and I could not be anymore proud and grateful to be the one who guides her through this life. One big girl bed at a time.

We are so very proud of you Dear Evelyn Rose
xx

Dear 22 Month Old You...

I can barely believe it. You are only two small months off being two big years old! And only one teeny month off being the greatest big Sister ever. You rock my world. You truly bring so much life, happiness and laughter to my world. 

This last month has been a big month for us. I have taken the dummy away from you, I have given it back to you. We lost our sleep routine and your desire to actually ever want to sleep and then we found it again. You pull your hair out and I get upset. You are learning about disobedience but you are also learning about respect, manners, politeness and kindness. You push the boundaries but you seem to like and need the boundaries.

Your tantrums are getting bigger, wilder and stronger. You are determined, you are adventurous and you are curious. So when your inquisitive nature puts your fragile body in harms way and your Mama or Daddy step in to save you, you just cannot understand why. Why can't I jump off this big ledge? Why cant I play with the cutlery? Why cant I walk through the waves? Why!? So you yell and you scream and you cry. But you are still manageable. I can still settle you down and I can still reason with you. I get down to your level and I hold you firmly and I explain to you that "Mummy loves you and Mummy doesnt want to see you get hurt and if you do this you will be hurt. Ouchies". You seem to understand because you stop tantruming and you give me a cuddle and then you take me by the hand and say "walk".

You are creative, imaginative, busy. You are always wanting to learn new things, see new things and go to new places. You tire me out, I cannot keep up with you. But I try. I want you to touch, feel, see and taste all that this world has to offer you. So we create, we imagine games and we get busy. 

Your most favourite place in the world is with your Mama at her most favourite place in the world. The beach. We walk the sand, we jump over waves, we run from the waves, we jump off mini sand dunes, we dig holes and build castles, we collect shells and we pick flowers. So many beautiful flowers. You are always calm, always happy. You have a smile on your face that does not exist anywhere else but here. You and me, we have a rhythm by the beach. Our hearts beat together, slowly and calmly. We know each other best when we are here. We enjoy each other best when we are here. The beach is our home and I am so very grateful that I am able to give you this. That I am able to surround your life by the magic that is the ocean. It gives me great pride, in myself, that you know the power of the water at age 22 months. You respect the beauty and you understand the magic. You know that there is something so very special here. I may not have a religion and I may not ever teach you one (although I will encourage you if that is what you chose to do) but I do have a faith and my faith can be found at the beach. I think you are learning to have the same faith and that just makes my heart swell.

In the coming month we will be putting you in a big girl bed, we will be teaching you about the potty, we are focusing on colours. You will become a big Sister. This coming month will be all about learning. Learning new things. New responsibilities. You are already such a beautiful little helper, always wanting to get Mummy the things she needs, pegs, nappies, cloth, broom. You are always so proud of the things you do that make my days easier and always so happy when you get something right. So this month will be all about encouraging those aspects of your personality. This month will be big. Big for you and me. 

You are cheeky. Smiley. Kind. Fun. Joyous. You light up any room, you light up my life. People love you, they cant help but to love you. You have a light about you, one that makes everyone smile. One that just makes life happier. You, my dearest baby girl, are destined for big things. You have the power to do anything that you want, anything that you dream. And I will hold your hand through any and every decision you chose. Because this life is yours sweet girl. This life is yours to live and love and take with both hands!

22 months. It feels like a lifetime. Life before you just a distant memory. Life without you a nightmare. You are what makes life full. In 22 shorts months, you have changed the world. My world.

I love you, my Dear Evelyn Rose, I love you so very deeply.

Anxiety

Being a Mum is single handedly the easiest and yet most difficult role in the world. As I sit down to write this, I am at my worst Mothering moment in my journey as a Mother. I am finding it difficult, more than difficult. I am finding myself to say, more often than not, in this last week that "I am not coping". The love, that part is the easy part. But the pressure is the hard part and I am really feeling the pressure. 

Some people are born Mothers, born with a maternal instinct. They fall into the role with such grace and ease and from the outside looking in, they are just perfect at it. Never have a bad moment, a not coping moment. When Evelyn was born, I thought I was born to be a Mother. It was easy. I loved her with all my might. Every little inch of me and my life became about her and her life. She was breathtakingly beautiful, she was gloriously behaved, she slept well and I was cruising through this life as a Mother. But since becoming pregnant for a second time, the pressure of maintaining that level of Mothering has cracked me. Broken me. 

I remember when Evelyn was 12 months old saying to Anthony, "I just cant ever imagine being angry at her, look at her, she is perfect". But then she learnt how to be naughty and I learnt how to be angry with her. Up until today I had never yelled at her. I have always kept my cool and with each moment that she misbehaved I would sit myself down and hold her by the arms and explain to her why that behaviour is not acceptable. She would hug me and she would kiss me. But today, I yelled at her and she just cried at me. And that cry didn't break me like it normally would. Infact, it infuriated me even more. And now as I sit locked in my bedroom trying to find my cool I feel guilty for being so angry with her. 

Being a Mum is the hardest job in the world. We are relied upon to teach our children right from wrong. Safety and danger. How to crawl, walk, talk, write, read. How to be polite and thankful. Grateful. Social etiquette. Correct speech. Please and thank you. How to eat, what to eat. How to be healthy, how to live healthy. Hygiene, routine, not to be mean. We are the ones who direct them to their futures and influence their beings and my god, that is overwhelming. 

In the last two weeks Evelyn has been testing me and my patience and with every moment that she acts out, with every tantrum my patience is wearing just that little bit more thin. Every time that I find myself grinding my teeth, or tearing up, I feel guilty. Because I am her Mother and I should be calming directing her to the correct path. I should be displaying the correct behaviour for her to learn from. I dont want her to learn that when it gets too hard, cry. But at the moment that is the behaviour I am teaching her, because when it gets too hard, I cry.

Evelyn has not been sleeping before 10pm for the last two weeks. Sometimes staying awake until midnight. She has not be day napping. She has been tired and cranky and badly behaved. I started out calm and understanding. Trying to understand that she is just too tired to function correctly and that this bad behaviour is not truly her, but he exhaustion. But by the end of these two weeks, when I am sleep deprived, me deprived, I have wavered. I am unable to understand. Because my exhaustion is now creating my own bad behaviour. We are two girls, exhausted and run down and now sick and we are not encouraging each other to be better people, we are not teaching each other patience or compassion. 

I feel like I have not had even 5 minutes to myself to be able to recoup. My showers are shared with her. My bed time is stolen by her. My food is thrown by her and my quiet time is interrupted by her. We both need a break and yet we cannot seem to find one. I find it too hard to leave her, I literally cannot leave the house with out her and when I do try, I cry and wonder "where on earth am I to go?". I need to find my centre again because without my centre I am making bad decisions. 

Two nights ago, Evelyn was screaming in my arms as I tried to comfort her to sleep. She had been screaming in my arms like this for 3 hours, on and off. It got to the point where every nerve ending in my body was screaming with her. I ached. I was sweating. I was crying. Every fibre of my body was suffering with anxiety. I just could not hear her scream any longer. And so I put her in her cot and I walked away. I walked outside and I told Anthony that I literally could not hear it anymore and then I got into my car and I drove away. As the rain poured down so did my tears. I felt like I had failed. I had given up. But my body just would not allow another moment of it. 

Today, the water to our suburb has been turned off. As I was outside trying to work out what had happened to the water, Evelyn decided to bring dirt inside and put it on my lounge and then pour her glass of water of the top and then start rubbing. My bird was going crazy, squawking with no relief for an hour. I was beginning to break down, I could feel that anxiety taking over my body. I am came inside to find the dirty mess and I snapped. I yelled, I really yelled at Evelyn and she just stopped and stared and then cried like Ive never seen her cry before. I stormed outside to release the bird, but stopping myself at his cage before it was too late and decided to just yell at him too. I then picked Evelyn up and strapped her into the car and I drove with the music up and the windows down, so as not to hear the screaming. 

I am waking in the middle of the night in the middle of the night in full blown panic attacks. I cannot breathe. My body aches with anger. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am failing and I feel more and more miserable every time I see how much I am letting everyone down. I have tried talking to my midwives and my Obs about my anxiety levels but I am not being heard. It is hard enough saying it once, but to have to push my concerns is just impossible.

I am not coping. I am failing. The loving Evelyn is easy. The forgiving her is easy. The getting up and starting again is easy. Its the pressure of it all. The expectations. The need to succeed. The fear of failing. Its watching yourself fall apart over a little bit of screaming, or some dirt and knowing that you are letting them down. Its the inability to be what she needs from me at all times, because at some times, I need to have a tantrum too. And I have. This week I have tantrumed. I have cried. I have fallen apart. I have let my family down with my inability to hold myself up. And its hard. Its really bloody hard to have to admit that you are not Super Woman, not Super Mum. You cannot be everything, all the time. Its really hard to admit that anxiety is taking a hold of me. 

But every now and then I think we, as Mothers, need to take a step back and accept that we cant be everything. Let the pressure go. Loosen the expectations. I might be failing this week. I might have failed today. But tomorrow I will get back up and I will try again and I will hope that tomorrow I wont fail. Tomorrow I will make a difference. I hope...

My Daughter pulls out her hair...

My Daughter has this very strange and quite disturbing behavioural habit. It is one that I have been trying to break for quite some time now but I am not having any luck in doing so. As she goes to sleep at night, or when she is bored, she will rub her dummy through her hair, twisting and turning it. As a result she has been slowly pulling out clumps of her hair, day by day. To the point that her beautiful long curly locks are now half as thick and half as long.

I have recently made the decision, for the second time, to take the dummy away from her in order to try and salvage her beautiful locks. This is a decision that I struggle greatly with. Evelyn has only ever used the dummy to go to sleep with and it has never been a cause of concern for me. It comforts her, when I cannot. She was a happy child to go to bed, she would fall asleep easily and she would sleep the whole night through. If she did ever wake up, she would keep herself entertained. So, you see, taking the dummy away from her is just not a decision I would be making if it werent for this incessant hair pulling.

I tried the first time to take it away from her when she was 18 months old and the whole process was a nightmare. She howled. She screamed. She begged. She didn't sleep, at all. She was unhappy and in return, I too was unhappy. So after a month of preserving I gave her back the dummy. In an instant, she fell asleep. She went back to enjoying going to bed, so much so as to even take me by the hand to her bedroom and tell me it was time. She was happy again and so was I.

However, after giving her the dummy back her hair pulling only became more aggressive. She now has two bald patches on either side of her head. Every morning, her dummy would be covered with hair. It was worse than it had ever been before. So, I decided to try again.

And I am struggling. I don't want to take it away from her. I don't want to see her suffer. She has instantly regressed to no sleeping again. She hates to go to her bedroom. She hates the sight of her Rabbie and her bottle and her sleeping suit(all things that she has in bed). When we do start to get her ready for bed she all of a sudden wants something to eat, or a drink, or anything that can distract us for that tiny bit longer for her to avoid going to bed. When I walk her into her room she hugs me so tightly and begins to cry. To beg, "mama no, mama no, mama no" over and over again. My heart breaks, every single time. She then cries, wails, screams, begs and pleads for hours and fights that wave of tiredness to the very end before finally crashing out. When she wakes, she is instantly upset, calling for me straight away. 

Gone are the days of her taking herself to sleep, entertaining herself in the morning, having day naps. She is beginning to turn into a terror child, once again and both she and I are no longer very happy with each other. It is breaking her to not have that dummy and in turn, is breaking me to watch her so sad.

I am struggling with this decision. I have persevered now for over a week and every day is just becoming increasingly more difficult than the last. I have noticed that she is still pulling at her hair, only now, it is with her hands. The next step, if I chose to continue down this path, is to take the bottle away from her. But this is another decision that I am just not ready to make. How unfair, to remove her dummy, then her bottle. Put her in a big girl bed. Then bring a new baby home. I am struggling. Every day I wonder, do I give it back to her? Do I shave her head and hope that breaks the habit? Do I keep going down this road and if so, when do I stop? 

I can see that she is not ready to give up the dummy. I, too, am not ready to take it away. This whole process has been full of angst and no reward and I am not sure how I am to move forward with it. I want Evelyn to be happy, well rested, content. The dummy gives her those things and I am taking away that very source. 

How do I continue this?

Dear 21 month old you

You were 21 months old three days ago! We have been busy enjoying our summer holidays with Daddy being at home so I simply just forgot to come here and tell you about your 21 months. But for the last three days I have been thinking about how at this age, you seem to be so much older than you really are. I am finding myself constantly reminding myself that you are still in fact a baby. Your age is still counted by the months and not the years. You are my baby and I am not ready to let you grow up yet.

In just two months time, we are going to have another baby in the house and I have been thinking a LOT about how that will affect you. How it will force you to grow up faster than if there were no baby. I am trying to come up with a way to still allow you to be a 23 month old baby when Jelly is born. How to not put too many expectations on you. I don't want to make you grow up before your time, because you are still my baby and I love every little ounce of your babyness, and even with another baby on the way, I am not ready to let your baby go. 

I think you may have other plans though, over this last month you have grown and grown up amazingly. Your ability to talk and to mimic all that I do has increased ten fold. Your words are still muffled but for you Daddy and I, we know exactly what you are saying. Some people have expressed concern about your speaking but I don't believe that there is any cause of concern. You are busy. Always busy. I think you just haven't had the interest in learning to speak at a rapid pace because you are too busy doing...things. 

Every day this summer we have gone to the beach and you are in your element. Just like your Mama. And your Daddy. We both love to watch you digging in the sand. You take trips with your bucket down to the water and rush it back up and play play play. Your absolutely favourite game is for Daddy or I to hold you in the water so you can kick your legs and float over the top of the waves. Your laughter echoes through the wide open spaces and bounces off the water. It really is my most favourite sound, and to hear it, at my most favourite place is just such a blessing. The beach is our escape, our sanity, our fun and our therapy and you just love every single thing about it. You are at your most happiest when you are by the ocean and this just makes me at my most happiest.

You have a boyfriend. Brodie. That you adore. You sing his name when he isn't here, and he calls for you when you are not there. You hold hands and jump in the waves together. You fetch him water and he thanks you. You kiss each other, hug each other, talk to each other and just love each other with every fibre of your being. It really is just the most beautiful friendship to watch blossoming. Brodies Mama and I, talk of your futures and that your friendship will forever grow and follow you both through life. I couldn't ask for a better friend for you, or a better family for you to be a part of, or a better little boy to be a part of ours. They all love you, Brodie, Kate and Aaron. And we all love them. 

We have taken the dummy off you, again. You are trying your hardest to be ok with this but the truth is that you really just love your dummy. I feel awful and horrible for taking it away from you, but you pull your hair out with your dummy and I need to break that habit. I really am very proud of you and how you are handling it. 

Yesterday, you climbed out of your cot, for the very first time. You landed in Mamas rocking chair that she left too close to your cot to entice you with. But now that we know you can climb out of there, I think it is time to move your big girl bed in and your cot out. I am concerned about too many changes too close together though. Firstly it was taking the dummy away, then the big girl bed, then a baby. I know how resilient you are and I am sure you will be fine but this never stops me from fussing over you.

Most Mama's dont like hearing the word 'No" come from their children but I just have to say, at this very moment in time, your No is just the sweetest little sound I have heard. Not the word itself, but the way in which your voice sounds. It makes me laugh. Every time. It is the most adorable sound and I really dont want to see it go!

You are 21 months old. You are about to be in a big girl bed. You are about to be a big Sister. You are growing up and I am desperate to just freeze time. Because 21 month old you is just the sweetest, most caring, most loveable little you. 

Mama loves you... every day and every month and it is a pure joy and an absolute blessing to watch you grow and to be able to call you ours. 

Goodnight Baby

Last night as I was laying you down to sleep I realised just how precious these moments are and that they will slip by us in no time at all. I had to stop myself from feeling sad at the thought that this won't last forever and remind myself to remember that very moment. Before I gave you your final goodnight kiss I dashed out to get the camera so that I could capture you forever, at 20 months old, with your bed buddies and your smile and your sleepy eyes. 

Bedtime is one of my favourite parts of the day, not because you are going to sleep (by my bedtime I actually miss you and always come and see you for a quick cuddle and kiss), but because of the time we share and the bonding we do and the love that we show. You are at your most affectionate right before bed and in those moments I can see the love pouring out of you. It is in the way that you look at me and in the way you hold yourself close. It is in the kisses you give and it lines your sleepy little smile. Your love is so pure, unvarnished from the world. It is unconditional and I know it is forever mine.

Each night before you go to bed, we change in the lounge room and watch you try to put yourself inside your sleepy suit. We collect your bed buddies - Mr. Rabby, Bunny, Giraffe, Owl the music, little ted, piggy and your pink fluffy blanket. Then you take us by the hand and we all walk down the hallway to your room where we throw your buddies into bed, one by one, and giggle at the way they land. You put your hands in the air and say up.

Last night Daddy picked you up and you placed your wee little head on his shoulder and wrapped your arms around his neck and patted him on the bed. You then reached your little arm out to me and pulled me in close, put one arm around my neck and the other around your Daddy's and placed your head between ours. My family, having a family cuddle, requested by you. My heart skipped a beat! I stood there and melted. 

You pulled back and gave me a kiss. Your Dad a kiss. Me again. Dad again. Then you laughed at how silly you were being and so we all laughed with you. Daddy passed you to me to lay you in bed, we kissed each one of your bed buddies goodnight and put them in place.

You said 'bauble please', I gave it to you and began to drink waving goodnight to your Daddy and I. 

I stopped at the door to look at you just a minute longer because I know this phase will soon pass and I want to remember these moments for as long as I can. You are the most precious little baby and I love watching you grow but I will miss seeing you so small too.