The Bump ~ The Wrap Up

I am not one of those women who love being pregnant, in fact, I find the entire process quite difficult, taxing and draining. I love watching my body grow and change and I do love my baby belly. But I do not love the feeling of it. I love knowing that I am creating life, but I do not love carrying around the weight and the feeling of the pressure on my spine, my pelvis and my legs. There is much I love, but much I loathe. I become pregnant for the final outcome, for the baby, not at all for the pregnancy. If I could avoid that part of having a baby, I would! I love the birth, more than the pregnancy.

This pregnancy, Jelly's pregnancy, was no exception. I found it extremely trying. It effected my mental wellbeing, it effected my rationality, my sleep and it effected me physically. Because of all these effects in the begun to effect my relationship and how much patience and tolerance both Anthony and I had for each other.

I suffered from severe anxiety through out the middle of my pregnancy, which I talked about quite openly. Which resulted in me seeking out the support, encouragement and gentle words of one of the kindest, most beautiful counsellors I have ever met. I saw her fortnightly up until the end of my pregnancy and will be seeing her again next week and until I feel like all of that anxiety has left my body. Which, at this point, I do feel like it has. Pregnancy really takes its toll on my mind, I am just not the same person through out a pregnancy but from the moment Jelly became Zalia, I felt like I found my mind again. The tension is no longer so great, situations dont feel so extreme and my capability and tolerance is much higher. Sue, my counsellor, really held my hand through some of my worst break downs and I will be forever grateful to her for getting me through to the end.

My body changed, grew, expanded and swelled. I just love watching how a growing baby changes your body. I loved my swelling tummy, with both my pregnancies. My body confidence is unbreakable while I am with child. I feel womanly, sexy, strong and powerful. The bigger I become, although extremely uncomfortable physically, the more comfortable I become within myself. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. While it is hard to go through and hard at the time, looking back, it is beautiful and I felt beautiful. 

While I was pregnant with Zalia I knew that I did not want this to be the last time I was ever to be pregnant. I knew that I would have to go again. But, now that Zalia is with us, I feel complete. I feel like our family is complete. Anthony and I, with our two beautiful girls. There will be a lot of to-ing and fro-ing over wether or not we will have another child. But for now... my girls are all that I need. 

I will be eternally grateful and glad that we took the time every week to capture this pregnancy and the journey our entire family went on. I will always look back on these photos and remember exactly how I felt that week, exactly how big Evelyn was and what she had achieved and learnt that week. I will always remember the size of my tummy, the size of Jelly. I will remember the conversations we had at each location. The mishaps and arguments we had to make sure we got the photos done. The love and the cuddles and the kisses we had on every other week. I will always remember the swelling hearts of Anthony, Evelyn and myself. The anticipation. The love. The impatience. The love. I will always remember the love.

This pregnancy was so truly special to me. It was a chance for me to truly embrace it, to celebrate it, to enjoy it. Where Evelyns pregnancy I was scared and worried, this pregnancy I made sure that those feelings would not overcome me. At times, they were there, always thinking about what could go wrong, always concerned that something wasn't quite right, I tried to really control my emotions. I fought to make sure that I enjoyed the moment rather than worrying about what can go wrong. 

What a wonderful change this pregnancy was. What a journey I was able to go on, with Zalia, but also with Anthony and Evelyn. It was bonding, it was beautiful and it was enjoyable.

But I am so glad it is over and Jelly is now Zalia

Goodbye baby belly, welcome baby girl

The Bump ~ Due Date

40 weeks. We have actively known we were pregnant now for 35 weeks. We have been taking these photos and writing these words every week for 28 weeks. You just don't realise how much time that really is until you sit down and think back to a moment and remember I was pregnant then. 40 weeks was not a date that I thought we would arrive at but here we are and I am actually kind of glad that we are here.

I am proud of us for dedicating our time every week to acknowledge this pregnancy, to embrace it and to celebrate it. I have spent today looking back over these photos and I just think it is a magical gift that we have given ourselves and our babies, both Evelyn and Jelly. Every week we left the house and we spent time as a family celebrating being a family and now we get to look back over those precious hours and remember just how wonderful they were. Doing these photos, writing these words, has forced us to spend time disconnected from the outside world and dedicated to ourselves, our world, our family. What a wonderful way to spend time with Evelyn before she is no longer the second child. I truly feel like we have given her a gift. 

Taking the time to write these words every week has allowed me to take the time to accept my emotions over the previous week. It has given me the strength to admit to any failures or faults and it has given me the courage to celebrate my successes. It has allowed me to view myself and my reactions from an almost seperate view and in doing so, I have been able to admit defeat, ask for help and praise myself. Writing these words each work, I believe, has helped me to get through each and every day of this pregnancy. The extremely hard ones and the ones that I am proud of. These words, this hour every week, has given me the strength, the confidence and the power to get through this pregnancy with what I believe is a grace, I other wise wouldn't have had.

I am proud of the last 40 weeks. I am proud of my body and all that it is capable of. Its ability to create a baby. Its ability to carry that baby to full term, to nourish it and to give it strength. I am proud of my heart, for the bond it has created with my unborn child. I am proud of my mind, for not allowing my fears of losing this child, overcome my ability to bond with this child. I am proud of Anthony, for putting up with my meltdowns and for keeping up with my mood swings. I am proud of Evelyn, for watching her Mama grow another baby and for understanding that soon there will be a baby in our house. I am proud of the entire 40 weeks... all of it, the good, the bad and the particularly ugly.

I am at peace this week with every thing that has been and with every thing that is to come. I feel calm and relaxed. I know that another week could go by and we still may not have this baby in our arms, but that is okay. Because, I know that once baby is here, our world will be better for it and I am okay to wait for that. I am giddy with excitement and smitten with love. My life is about to change, back flip, turn inside out and I am waiting with open arms, for all of it. Our lives will soon be complete. Our beautiful family, one more. How blessed we are!

Jelly, there is no words I can say today that I haven't already said to you a million times over. There is no way I can ever describe to you just how much we love you and just how much we want you. You are one of the most anticipated babies to ever be created. Your Sister is waiting, very impatiently, to meet you. Daddy and I are waiting to love you from the outside. To cuddle you, to kiss you, to smell you and to hold you. I know you are close because I can feel you already. My arms ache for you. My heart races to think of you. You are going to change me and I am so ready for you.

Its you and me babe, together we will deliver you earth side and together we will be

The Bump ~ 39 Weeks

I am possibly the grumpiest, achiest, most impatient and irritable pregnant woman alive right 

now. Okay, so maybe not. But I definitely feel like it. My temper is quick. My patience is short. My tolerance is low. I am trying, trying to wake up each day and make an effort to not snap at anyone, trying to smile through the days but the reality is that each and every day is going by just that little bit slower. My ankles and knees and back are giving way a little earlier every day.

I go to bed each night thinking quietly to myself that tonight might be the night, then each morning that I wake up still with baby in my belly I feel a little disappointed. I know that babe will be here when babe is ready and that I should patiently wait. But I am ready now, Evelyn is becoming restless, Anthony is ready at work to be home. We are all ready now. The thought of Jelly not being here for another week, or even two, is deflating.

I am grateful that this pregnancy has been one without any dramas and any real health issues. The only issues involved have been my own psychological state of mind. But I have managed to work my way through these moments. I am thankful for the health of my baby and of myself and I look forward to the birth and the life to follow.

Jelly, I have said all there is to say. You know I love you. You know I am ready for you. You know how much you are wanted. All we can do now is wait and I will continue to try and wait patiently. All I want is you.

Its you and me babe, we will be together soon

The Bump ~ 38 Weeks

With every passing day we have made it another day further than I ever suspected, or was ever prepared for. The days are becoming longer and just that little bit harder to make it through to the end. For no other reason than I am being impatient. I want to hold my baby, I want to smell and taste my baby, I want to see my babies angel face. I want to bury myself in my baby and my family and my home and just lose ourselves to each other.

As the end nears, I find myself thinking about the things I will miss once baby is here and my tummy is no longer full of wiggly, kicking arms and legs. I will miss the way my body carries this body. The ever growing belly, each and every day just that little bit bigger, showing me that Jelly is growing, healthy and strong. I will miss the movements. The knowing that there is life within me. I will miss the gentle reminder that this world is so much bigger than I know. 

As baby makes their journey into our lives there is so much to look forward to, to welcome. But there is also so much to leave behind, to say goodbye to. In these last weeks I am holding life close to me, trying to embrace each and every moment of our lives as a family of three. Evelyn as an only child, as my baby. But, with each passing day my desire for our lives to change becomes stronger.

Every time anything in my body changes I can feel myself fill with excitement, thinking, this is it. But every time I become disappointed. Baby is still cooking, still waiting and I just know that the day they decide to grace us with their presence will be one of the best days of our lives. I am overly excited.

Jelly, you have never been wanted so much.

Its you and me babe, together we will find a way to be together

The Bump ~ 37 Weeks

I have been convinced this entire journey that this pregnancy would be short, that I would be holding Jelly Baby much earlier than full term. So to make to it 37 weeks is almost a shock. A welcomed shock, as uncomfortable as I am, but still a shock. I honestly did not believe that I would make it to full term. But I am pleased to announce that I am now full term. Medically speaking, my baby is ready to be born, any day now.

The house has been cleaned, organised, cleaned again. My natural nesting instincts have been at work for weeks now and I am so prepared for this child to be a part of our home. To bring baby home to be placed in the bassinet. To be wrapped in muslin and to be cuddled, snuggled and loved by us all. We are all prepared to have this baby here with us. We are all ready.

Evelyn saw a newborn baby for the very first time last week and she was so fascinated. So gentle, soft and calm. She stared longingly at home, with a small smile playing with the corners of her mouth. The Mother of the baby was so accommodating, allowed Evelyn to rub that boy's toes. I just know that she is going to be wonderful, she is going to make the most beautiful big Sister and I can already feel my heart swell with pride.

It is starting to become very difficult to talk about Jelly without mentioning a he or a she. A her or a him. I am so very excited to share the news with all my loved ones. My friends and family and my community... you! I cannot wait to tell you, blue or pink... pink or blue? What do you think? I cannot wait to share the news with you.

I hope that these will be our very last photo's of this series. We normally take these photo's on a Sunday and if my heart is true to me, then I will either be in labour or I will be cuddling this very loved and anticipated baby. 

I look forward to my labour with so much excitement and joy. I cannot wait to take my body on this journey, connecting me to baby, baby to me. Listening to each other through our only form of communications, our hearts. Allowing my body to do for me exactly what I know it can do. I have a box full of labour tools ready, candles, music, motivational signs, fairy lights. From the moment labour begins our house will become one of peace and calm. 

Jelly, I have said it once and I'll say it again, I am ready for you. I want to touch you, to kiss you, love you and hold you. You will come when you are ready and I will keep you safe until then, but when you are ready you just let me know and I will listen. I will bring you into this world in the best way I know how. I am ready for this journey with you, wont you be ready for me?

Its you and me babe, together our hearts will beat

The Bump ~ 36 Weeks

I am ready. Ready for this birth, ready for this baby. My heart is aching for that first moment, the first touch, first smell. I am no longer focusing on getting through another week of pregnancy but I am dreaming of this baby being in my arms, in my home, in my life. This is no longer a pregnancy, this is a baby that will join us, and join us soon. I feel like the birth of Jelly is imminent. Days, weeks, away. It is soon, I can feel it. I can feel Jelly's presence in my heart and in my home. I am ready. So very ready.

Jelly is ready. With their head completely engaged and my uterus preparing for labouring with constant braxton hicks. Jelly is ready to be here, wants to be here. I can feel it. I can feel the connection between me and baby and I can hear baby telling me they wont be long, they are not far.

My body is ready. My mind is ready. Ready for this birth. For the blessing of being able to bring this child into the world. I feel connected, my mind to my body to my heart. I am excited, almost impatient, for the day to arrive. For me to be able to work with my baby to end this pregnancy and journey through our birth together and then begin this life.

We are ready.

Its you and me babe... this is our time!

The Bump ~ 35 Weeks

This week feels like such a milestone. A milestone in time and a milestone of the heart. So much has changed, calmed, relaxed. I feel ready. I feel excited and I feel empowered. Exhausted, yes, and ready for Jelly to come into the world, yes. But I am finally calm and patient and just... at peace.

35 weeks. That is such a long time to be pregnant but really, such a very short time to create an entire human being. How amazing are our bodies? I mean really, Jelly started off as just two cells. One from my body and one from Anthony's and at this very point in time Jelly is around 46 centimetres long and 2.5 kilograms of perfectly formed, miniature sized human. All baby needs to do between now and then time I get to see their face is fatten up. In only 35 weeks a miracle has been created. A miracle that I made. How amazing are we!?

We don't have photos this week as we were busy in Bowral learning how to be calm. We attended Peter Jackson's calm birth class. There is so much I learnt and so much that I feel and so much I need to say about this weekend. But I am still enjoying the high of all that I learnt and words just are not finding me yet. All I will say for now is that I am ready. I am ready to birth my baby and I am ready to have an experience. Peter has given me strength, courage and power over this last weekend and I can tackle the world.

This entire pregnancy I have never thought that Jelly and I would make it to 35 weeks. I was paranoid, convinced that this baby is going to arrive well before its time. That we would have to fight for this baby's life. But, here we are. We are healthy and strong. In only two short weeks we will be full term and it will be safe for Jelly to arrive at any time. 

Jelly, we made it. Not without our hiccups but we are here and I just could not be any happier to know that you are healthy and you are strong and you are perfect. We are perfect. We are waiting for you. Any time you want to join us, that is okay. We are ready. What an adventure we have ahead of us!

Its you and me babe, together we will get you into this world

The Bump ~ 34 Weeks

Yesterday we got to watch you resting peacefully within my tummy. Your family sat and watched you in awe while you played with your feet, practiced your breathing and lived within me. It was beautiful. You were beautiful. You heart is strong, your measurements are outstanding and you are head down and engaged. You are ready and we are ready. It was such a joy, a pleasure, a true blessing to be able to see you again at this late a stage and to have my mind put at ease that you are safe and well and growing. 

Today, your Daddy and I finally found a name that we both agreed on. That we both loved. We wont decide on it for certain until we get to hold you but for now, we have the beginning of names to consider. I truly believe we were both inspired by seeing your little face yesterday because this name just fell into my lap today and I feel like it is you... it is us. I cannot wait to see your little face and be able to put a name to it, wether it is this one or another.

I am still feeling very emotional and very strained, but please know, these feelings are not in anyway related to how I feel about you and your arrival. I love you, so very dearly and I am anticipating you with every fibre of my body. These feelings are about myself and my ability to be a good Mother to you and your Sister. These feelings are about my desire to provide you both with the best possible life and home you can have. These feelings are about me. Not you. You are loved, you are wanted and you are needed.

You are guesstimated to be weighing 6 pound 2 ounces. This scares me, immensely. Your sister, at birth, weighed 7"11. So I will be very shocked to see you be too much bigger than that. But to know you are growing so healthily was such a relief and has really put my mind at ease. 

Jelly, we only have 6 weeks to wait. There are no words to explain just how excited I am for the day to come where I can hold your hand in mine, where I can whisper 'I love you' in your ears, where I can get lost in your eyes. There are no words. 

Its you and me babe, together we will be