Things that go bump in the night

On Sunday I left the house, without Evelyn and without Anthony, for just a few short hours to just... be. I am forgetting how to just be myself and so I am trying to teach myself again that it is okay to leave the house without Evelyn, it is even okay to go and do something just for myself. I havent quite got that point yet, finding that I spent the entire time shopping for Evelyn and Jelly. 

While I was walking around the shops I saw something that really made me laugh. It was a woman in her late 50's who had to count to three before she was able to step onto the escalators. Like she was working up the courage to take that first, terrifying step. Her husband was behind her and seem completely oblivious to his wife's phobia. I have a friend who happens to do the same thing and so when I saw this woman I though to myself... it is never going to get any better! I had a giggle to myself and went on my way.

When I got home I started to tell Anthony about this woman and how funny it was. I asked him if he has any irrational fears and we began talking about fears, phobias and frights. Neither of us could really think of a fear that has stayed with us, but had a lot of fears that we seem to have outgrown and overcome. 

My biggest fears as a young girl were dying in a tsunami. I used to wake from nightmares about this giant wave that took out all of Forster/Tuncurry. I used to stay up until the wee hours of the morning mapping out escape plans. It used to terrify me that I lived in Tuncurry and that there was not a single hill in that town... how was I to get to higher ground? How would I survive? Would it be best to just run straight to the wave and take the brunt of it, over quick and easy? Or should I try to outrun the wave?

My other fear has always been contracting HIV. To the point that even while I was not sexually active I would still take myself to the Drs every couple of months and ask to be tested. I used to have nightmares about how I would tell my family. Could I not tell them? Would they notice? Could I ever have a child if I had HIV? How would my life change? HIV haunted my deepest thoughts and dreams. 

Luckily, both those fears have never come true and I seem to have outgrown them. I didn't think that I had any true fear left. After living in a house with no fly screens I have become accustomed to big hairy spiders and creepy crawly bugs. Cockroaches, although disgusting, no longer make me scream. Im not afraid of heights or deep water. There really was nothing I could come up with. So, on that note, we went to bed. Never to think of this conversation again.

I was exhausted after my day out and so fell into a very deep sleep very quickly. The windows were open, for the very first time in this house over night, to let the cool breeze in. While we were sleeping the winds picked up and the rain fell heavily. I always sleep so peacefully in these conditions, wrapped up in my cosy warm bed while the outside world is wooly and miserable. Like I am in a cubby house. Stormy nights are the best nights for a good solid sleep. 

Until, things go BUMP in the night and then you realise that you do have a fear! As I lay soundly sleeping the winds took control and blew over one of the photo frames that usually* sit on my windowsill above my bed and knocked it right off. That photo frame landed just centimetres from my head onto my bedside table making a god awful racket. Before I had even woken I was screaming and climbing all over Anthony. It wasn't just any scream. It was blood curdling screaming. It was screaming until I ran out of breath, took a breath and then continued to scream. My scream is what woke me, more so than the bang. I woke and I was sitting on Anthony and I was crying and I was shaking.

My body went into overdrive, switching from crying hysterically to giggling hysterically. I was terrified. Never have I been so terrified. At first I thought there was someone in our room but once it became clear that there was no one there I was convinced that a possum had jumped through the window. It took me HOURS to calm down enough to sleep again. 

I have not screamed since I was a teenager on a ride. I forgot what it was like to scream. I cannot believe that I did actually scream so dramatically. So, it became apparent to me that I do have an irrational fear... things that go BUMP in the night!


*Needless to say, there are now no more photo frames on my windowsill!

What is your irrational fear?

Forever Young

At 31 weeks pregnant I found myself climbing aboard a giant swing with my Daughter and have my partner push and spin us, round and round. I was giggling and carrying on like I was no older than Evelyn, I was truly enjoying myself. Up until the moment my tummy was too large to allow me to do so, I would still take a run up and lift myself up on to the handle of my trolley and let my feet dangle and have the trolley take me away. I dig holes and build sandcastles. I cheer and scream in the ocean and run away from the waves. I play corners in the back of the car and lose my tummy in the big dipper hills, always wanting to go back for more. I eat icecream and let it dribble down my chin. I put Evelyn in one swing and I play on the one next to her. At 31 weeks pregnant, I saw a giant rocket ship slide and as I began the steep climb to the top I was gently reminded by Anthony that perhaps while being pregnant and in pain that this wasnt such a good idea. So I sat back and I watched, with great jealousy, Anthony climb Evelyn to the top and weeeee their way down to the bottom. I settled for the normal sized slide, over and over, giggling, laughing and having a very child like moment of pure joy.

I often find myself in these moments and I wonder to myself, at what point will I ever grow up? At what point will I find my adulthood? When will I become responsible, organised and mature? When is it that physical age takes a hold of your inner child and you leave those moments behind you? It is very rare that I am ever to find another woman who does these things and in the moments that I do I am always a little aware of the onlookers. I sometimes feel embarrassed. Like I should pull myself into line and act my age but then I feel that joy, that pure childlike joy and I decide, my age is boring and I would rather be getting down and dirty and giggly with my Daughter. I would rather enjoy these moments of fun while my body allows me to.

I see women with such poise and eloquence and at times I find myself envious of those traits. I am not poised nor am I eloquent. I am a dag, I have no fashion sense, I have no style. I am just a girl, trying to be a woman, because enough years have gone by that tell me I should be. I am clumsy, always the one to fall over my own feet, to drop my plate, to drink too much, to break the glass. I am opinionated and lack the ability to hold my tongue. I am fiery and passionate and those two things bubble up within me and I just cannot contain my excitement. I am obsessive, never quite willing to let things go if I do not feel like I have made my point. I do not feel like a lady, or a woman. I feel like a girl, wearing high heels 2 sizes too big for me, wearing my Mums clothes and experimenting with makeup. 

I am just a girl, living a life with the same zest as 16 year old me. I am just a girl who struggles to juggle the responsibilities of adulthood. I am just a girl, who plays too much and cleans too little. I am just a girl who falls in love too deeply, who fights too hard and who is full of dreams and aspirations. I am just a girl, who feels guilty about not being a woman, because somewhere along the line I have let myself believe that I need to be more. That I need to stand up straight, I need to cross my legs, I need to write lists and tick them. Somewhere, I decided that I need to be an older, more mature, more organised more eloquent version of myself and when I fall short of being that person, I feel like a child. I feel like I am disappointing society. A Mother, a pregnant Mother, does not swing on the giant swing, or fly the rocket ship. A woman does not ride her trolley through the car park. A woman should not be playing in the dirt or letting icecream drip down her chin. Should she?

Yesterday as I was walking towards the shop I saw a man leaving. He was on his own. He was old. And he was swinging on his trolley. He took the biggest run up he could and he jumped, holding on to the handle, letting his feet hang and he rode that trolley for the next 300 metres. And he was smiling, laughing almost. And so I smiled. Then I felt relieved.

We don't ever grow up, not if we don't want to. And why would we? Aren't our best memories of those with dirt beneath our nails and grubby faces? With scraped knees and bandaids? Aren't our most favourite memories filled with that feeling, that joy, that loud and carefree laugh and that moment when the entire world melts away and it is just you and the thing that makes you the most happiest? Aren't they the memories we want to keep on creating? 

I saw that 70-ish man, acting like a 16 year old and I suddenly felt relieved. Our bodies may age and our minds may weary but our hearts will never fade. We are forever young, if we want to be. And I for one, want to be! 

 

Things to love about being pregnant

Over the past few weeks I have been having quite a hard time of being pregnant and that has become the running theme in my pregnancy posts. So today, I decided to sit down and take a moment to appreciate the beauty of pregnancy and try to let the hard parts fall to the side. Because the truth of it all is, that pregnancy really is a miracle, it is beautiful and joyous and all of those things that you hear people say. The hard part, when it is you that is pregnant, is remembering that pregnancy is beautiful on you too. 

To me, there is nothing more beautiful than seeing a heavily pregnant woman walking the beach, street, shopping aisle, with that beautiful skin, the gorgeous hair and the little knowing smirk that they wear. The smirk that says, I am about to experience the best experience and there is nothing that can get in the way of that. When you become that your woman yourself, it is hard to see the beauty in that big round belly, it is hard to see the glow on your face that keeps breaking out, the gorgeous hair that is becoming more and more thick. But you do know you have the smirk. You know that people are looking at you. Deep down, when you push the pregnancy hormones and insecurities aside, you know. You have what most woman want. You are carrying life and that is precious and beautiful and magical. I have been trying to remind myself to forget that I am waddling, forget that I feel fat and just embrace this beautiful belly, it wont be here for much longer.

When you fall pregnant, you truly sacrifice your body. You are giving yourself completely to this child that you are yet to meet. I am ok with this. In fact, I love watching my body change to accommodate Jelly, to make sure that baby is safe and comfortable. My tummy slowly stretching, my hips slowly becoming wider and my bottom actually becomes a bottom. My boobs go up and down and I every morning I have to try and guess what size bra I will need to wear. There are so many aches and pains involved in all of this change, but when you forget about those, watching the changes every day is incredible.

I love that I don't have to care for the scales. I get on them every day and I see the number increasing. To a number that is normally unimaginable. But I smile. Because I know that this means my baby is growing and is healthy. I smile because I know that this is the only time in my life that I will be ok with weighing this much. I smile because as my numbers are going up, Anthony is fighting for his numbers to go down. I get to sit back, relax, eat and enjoy those numbers. For just a little while. 

Guilt free eating. Before Evelyn was born I actually had never had a moment of feeling guilty about something I ate. It wasn't something that occurred to me. If my weight increased I would run faster, not stop eating. But once Evelyn was born, I worked extremely hard to get my body back to a size that I was happy with. In doing so, my approach changed. I changed the way I ate and the way I exercised. All of a sudden, when I ate a carbs or something rich, I felt guilty and that has stayed with me. Until now. Now, I don't care for the guilt. I eat all the foods. The good ones, the bad ones, the overindulgent ones. Because I can. 

Hormones have got to be the absolute hardest part of pregnancy. The emotions. The rages. The irritation and agitation. They drive me around the bend and I can see Anthony's inner self running up the walls and slamming his head against the table at me. But, in amongst all of those outrageous emotions are some good ones. The ones that make you appreciate moments in all of their glory. The emotions that make you take a step back and truly see the beauty before you. There have been many moments where I have stepped back and watched Evelyn and I have cried. Because in that very moment I have been able to see what a beautiful life I am giving her, what a beautiful girl she is becoming. I love those emotions. I love my hormones for giving me those moments.

Pregnancy is a long and slow process and it is very easy to become overwhelmed and impatient. I know that I am both of those things. But pregnancy gives us life. It is beautiful, it is a miracle and it is so important to me to take a moment and be grateful for this. I am being given the chance to create life, my own life. 

How can I not love being pregnant?