What has happened to our village of support?

I have always been the type of person who gets out of my seat for an elderly man or woman, and a pregnant lady. I am the type of person who see's a Mother struggling and offer my help. I help the elderly to their cars with their groceries. These were just a few life lessons that I was taught growing up, to always help those who are less capable than yourself. Mostly people respond warmly and appreciate every offered hand and arm of support.

I dont expect special treatment in return, but I guess, to an extent, I respect the same general compassion extended to myself and other patrons of the community. I believe that it is just the right thing to do. It is social etiquette. It is humanity. It is manners and it is just common sense. Nobody likes to be the person struggling on their own and everybody loves the feeling of a good deed, given and received. 

Since I have been pregnant I actually feel like people have gone out of their way to make life harder for me. Almost as though people are punishing me, like they don't approve perhaps? I have tried, mostly, to ignore these moments and to brush it off. I try and remind myself that people are busy in their own lives and that they are perhaps having their own bad days. But today, incident after incident, has just put me in a state of disbelief. How can people be so very unsupportive?

Throughout this pregnancy there have been multiple incidents where I have left the situation in tears and shock. Here are just a few of my experiences, these will forever be moments that I remember and lessons that I will learn from. Treatment of people, I never want to give.

:: In the middle of a week of torrential down pour raining I had to go to Woolworths to pick up some necessities. I was past 30 weeks pregnant so was carry a very noticeable bump. As I walked out of woolworths through the rain began my 300 metre walk to my car, carefully placing each foot so as not to fall over and carrying my 5 bags of heavy shopping. A woman decided to cross over the carpark and walk directly at me. Making me have to walk out into the line of traffic for her to get by other wise we would have collided. 

:: Sitting in a chemist at 38 weeks pregnant with my sick Daughter who was very hot and miserable waiting for our prescription to be filled. Evelyn had laid herself on the ground. There was no one around so I wasn't in too great a hurry to get her up but began trying to encourage her to move calmly so as not to cause a complete meltdown. A woman walked to the end of the aisle where Evelyn was laying and had on of those trolley baskets trailing behind her. She paused momentarily but did not acknowledge Evelyn or myself. I could see what was about to happen so I said to Evelyn, "Honey we need to move out of the way or this woman will run over you with her trolley". Before I had even finished the sentence the woman began to walk again and as predicted, ran her basket trolley over the top of Evelyn's legs. When I said how very rude it was she still did not acknowledge me but just walked away.

:: On the same day, in the same chemist as I was waiting to be served at the counter, I was holding Evelyn in my arms. I was holding her medication, my purse, my keys, my phone and the tweezers. Evelyn took the tweezers and not long after dropped them on the ground. I stood there for just a while wondering what on earth I do here. I decided to slip my thong off and pick them up with my toes as that was far easier than the idea of having to bend down. Turns out that there was a man watching my every move. Instead of offering a hand, he simply laughed at my talented toe picking up and made a passing comment. 

:: At 36 weeks pregnant I was sitting in the RTA with Evelyn in the pram. She was irritable and tired of waiting. As was I. She had taken my passport and then dropped it on the ground. I was getting quite tired of bending over and picking these things up so I left it there, to be picked up when our number was called. A man came over and says to me "Ahhhh you have dropped something in the pathway". I say "Yes my Daughter keeps throwing things on the ground and its becoming too hard to pick them up all the time, thank you for letting me know". He grunts and walks away. No offer to pick it up for me, just judgement that I could leave it there.

:: Young girls in shopping malls who walk four abroad and see you coming and seem to bind together and walk at you like a wall, forcing you to flush up against the side of the shop to allow them past

:: People with trolleys

:: Woman passing through the doors of public toilets, expecting that the door be held open for them but not willing to do the same in return.

:: Lets not forget about the man at the petrol station who forced me to crawl beneath his car

There have been so many moments where I have suddenly felt cheated. I don't expect special treatment because I am pregnant. But I do expect some general consideration and compassion and when these situations occur it makes me a little bit sad. Each time I have left feeling teary and wondering where our village and community has gone?

Public breastfeeding... why I believe it is a "problem"

There has been outrage in Australia today from breast feeding Mothers, well, from Mothers in general in fact, as a result of this story where a woman was asked to move herself and her feeding baby into the bathrooms or to cover up under a towel in a corner somewhere. There have been arguments for and against this woman's right to sit by the pool and breastfeed her Daughter. There have been several public comments regarding this woman, any breast feeding woman, which have now in turn, caused an online argument. 

Now, I am not going to attack these certain people who have made these ignorant comments. Because that is their opinion and so be it. But what I do what to do is talk about why it is that society is becoming so offended by the sight of a woman doing what she is naturally built to do. Why society, especially the men in our society, find breast feeding to be so repulsive. Anthony and I have been discussing this issue for the better part of the afternoon and what started out talking about the simple fact of breastfeeding, turned into situations where breastfeeding could be confronting, to plunging necklines.

I firmly believe that the reason breastfeeding in public is still a topic in todays world is because of the sexualisation of women's breast, by both men and women. At some point, breasts became more about pleasure and appearance, rather than their function. Unless you (as a generalisation) are currently smack bang in the middle of a breast feeding journey, wether it be yourself or your partner or a family member, then you lose your understanding of what breasts were actually created for. I find that for men especially, before they have experienced their partner breastfeeding their baby, they are incapable of being able to see this action for what it is. But rather, see it as offensive, rude, confronting and uncomfortable. 

Anthony tonight said to me "the only situation I could see that breastfeeding could be confronting in, would be out at a dinner party, at the table". Now Anthony is pro-breast feeding and I know that sharing this comment will make him look less than desirable but stay with me. At first, I was a little shocked by the comment and I responded to him with, "but hang on, why is it ok for someone like say, me pre-Evelyn, to sit at the table with a low cut dress on and have everything on display, but it is not okay for a woman to nurse her child". I then proceeded to show him this post and tell him how completely ridiculous he was being.

After talking it through a little more he did manage to clear a few things up for me, and say something that proves my sexualisation point. He went on to tell me that he is not a fan of plunging necklines. Yes they look good, from far away, he says, but when I am sitting at a dinner table and someone has their breasts out on display like that I, and every other man, have to make a conscious effort to not drop my eyes. He then says this one line... This one line is what changed the way I was going to approach this post. He says "because then everyone at that table will see me drop my eyes and then I am the pervert". 

Pervert. That is the true problem here. The problem is not that this woman had too much on display nor is it that she was making people uncomfortable to see her breastfeeding. The problem is that someone would have seen her and they would have felt uncomfortable because they then become the pervert. The problem is, that people see a breastfeeding woman and in their minds, they want to see more, or they like what they see, then they feel guilty and then they feel like a pervert. The problem is not the act of breastfeeding, it is the reaction to the act. The problem, to the people who have a problem with breastfeeding, is that they cannot accept that those breasts should be used to feed a child, they only see those breasts for pleasure and appearance.

Prude. These are the people who believe it is inappropriate. These are the people who also let the sexualisation of a woman's breast affect the way they view breast feeding. These are the people who think, how dare they be doing that while my husband can see, while my children can see. The prudes, are those who are so afraid of what breasts have become. They cannot understand anymore that breasts have a function. Again, the true problem is the sexualisation of breasts and the inability to be able to accept that breasts are created to feed. The problem is the reaction to the act.

Now, I am in the camp of "discreet" feeding as I personally just dont feel comfortable accidentally showing myself. But, discreet does not mean in a change room, a bathroom, a car or under a blanket. Discreet means to be modest. But, in saying that, some woman are ok with accidentally showing themselves and... who cares? We all know what a breast looks like, half of us have them, the other half love them. If this woman was a single woman with no kids and a banging body who was getting changed by the pool and accidentally threw a boob, there would be no complaint. You know why? Because, the people who have the problem, the people who enjoyed it, would not feel guilty for doing so. 

Breasts were created firstly for feeding our children, then for pleasure, and lastly for appearance. We, as woman, should be able to feed whenever and where ever we need, free of judgement. Our children, should be able to feed when they are hungry without having a towel over their heads. And we, as a society, should be supporting breastfeeding in anyway we can, that means... not complaining about it in the first place.

Are we to be sentenced to 6 months living on the lounge? Never to step into public for as long as our children are required to feed from us? Will this make these people more comfortable? Should we be putting their comfortability before the comfort of our own children, and ourselves? Does a woman feeding her child really affect these people and their days to such an extent that it is worth complaining about? Worth even talking about? At the end of the day, if I breastfeed my child in public...

Does it even really matter?

Things you should never say or do to a pregnant woman

Pregnant with Evelyn

Before I fell pregnant for the first time, Anthony and I spent a day together driving from Palm Beach all the way back home in Dee Why. Stopping at each beach for a sit, a walk, a beer or a bite to eat. We had been together for only a short while, just over 1 year. But I knew that he was my future and that there was no other man I could ever be with. We were getting comfortable with each other and talking about our future. 

We were stopped at Narrabeen beach and were sitting on the grass with a beer and we were watching families walking by. I so desperately wanted to be our own family. I remember saying to Anthony "I want to be a Mum so badly it hurts". That day we talked about when we would start trying to create our own circle. We had discussed buying our first home and then trying for children in the next 6 to 12 months.

However, fate had other plans and the next month we had a positive pregnancy test. So although the pregnancy was a suprise, it was not unplanned or unwanted or unwelcomed. It was a very pleasant suprise. That pregnancy came earlier than we had prepared ourselves for but we both embraced it with joy and love and excitement. I couldn't wait to share the news with those around us. 

The thing with being pregnant is that it breaks down normal social etiquette and acceptable behaviour and it tricks people into believing that they can now say, or do, whatever they please. Mostly, these things are never said in malice, but rather in a helpful and suggestive tone. Like they are giving you advice. But being the pregnant woman, having to listen to such "advice", sometimes it is so very hard to sit there and smile.

This is now my second pregnancy and all this advice still irks me. So here is my advice on things you should never say or do to a pregnant woman.

Is *insert partners name* happy?
This is one of my absolute hated questions. Through both of my pregnancies I have been asked, on multiple occasion's 'Is Anthony happy?'. The first time I was pregnant and the first time I was asked, I could justify the question. But the second, third and tenth time, in that same pregnancy, by the same person, it became insulting. THEN, when that person asked me this time, knowing that we had been trying for 7 months, that was just plain rude. Why on earth would Anthony NOT be happy? Do you think I have tricked him into a baby? Twice? And do you think that he is now not happy, when he was happy the first time you asked me?

Oh *insert partners name* really is happy, isn't he?
Yup. That happened. When Evelyn was born and the excitement on Anthony's face was clear for all to see, it was pointed out that he actually was happy and excited to be having a child. Perhaps I was lying to myself and everyone around me the whole way through the pregnancy? Perhaps he was too? I am not sure how or why, but it was a shock to see him happy to be a dad!

You are going to have to be careful with your weight
I sat my Mum down to tell her I was pregnant with Evelyn. One of the first things she said to me, before congratulating me, was this very sentence. She went on to say that I have her body figure and that if I am not careful I will put on too much weight and my health will be at risk. Yup. I have no words

Was it planned?
I have been asked this on both occasions. Firstly, it is none of your damn business if it was planned or not. To be pregnant means that you previously had sex and I am not willing to discuss my sex life with you and if my partner and I had discussed our sex life before dancing between the sheets. That is my business, not yours. Secondly, even if it wasn't planned, do I want you knowing? So that when my Daughter grows up you can let it slip that she was a "mistake"?

You are going to have to push a 10cm head through your vagina
This one was not said to me, but to a friend of mine who was pregnant at the same time. In the work place. By a 21 year old. Do I talk to you about what you do with your vagina? Please dont talk to me about a. the circumference of my childs head and b. my vagina

Details on how to check dilation
Before I gave birth to Evelyn I had a very romantic view of child birth. I didn't go to birthing classes so I was not aware of how certain procedures were performed. That was a choice of mine. Luckily this wasn't said to me either, this is my Sister's story. Someone thought it would be ok to say "you know put their whole fist up there to check how dilated you are". Again... please do not talk to me about my vagina and things going in or out of there!

Touching the tummy
Unless I invite you to feel my baby move, do NOT, under any circumstances, rub my tummy. I am not a goddamn budha. I will not bring you good luck. It will not make me feel warm and fuzzy and gooey inside and if you want to go on your way still having a merry day then do.not.risk.it!

You look so big for only X weeks
Do not, ever, comment on how big a pregnant woman looks! Yes, a big pregnant tummy is the most beautiful and divine thing you could ever see. On someone else! When it is you, being big and pregnant is NOT a good thing. We do NOT appreciate being told how big we look. If you want to do this, just know this, you would have sent that woman home in tears crying to her husband about how she looks like a whale! 

You look so small for only X weeks
On the other hand, most pregnant woman want to look pregnant. So when they are smaller than what is "expected" they feel very conscious and they feel concerned about the growth of their baby. How's this. Just don't comment on the size of a pregnant tummy regardless... big or small.

Its ok, you will get a boy/girl next time
You know, when we chose to have a child, we chose to have a CHILD. Not a son. Not a daughter. Just a child, it can be either. For you to be disappointed on our behalf that we are not having the opposite to what we already have it feels like you a mourning the loss of a child, that is actually still here. Celebrate the CHILD. Not the gender!

Discussing the pain involved in labour
We are well aware that pushing a fully grown baby out from our vagina is going to be damn well painful. Most of us lay awake at night in full blown panic attacks about pending D day and the pain involved. Please do not, ever, remind us of that pain. Let us live this 9 months in peace and a little ignorance as to what is coming. We will deal with the pain when the pain arrives.

Disappointment or judgement of using drugs
Natural birth, birth with gas, birth with an epidural. Any option we wish to take is our own business and is a personal choice of how we wish to bring a child into the world. A lot of woman feel like failures if they do have to rely on drugs to bring their baby into their arms. I know I did. I do not need you to make me feel even worse about it. To anyone who wants to judge me, or any of the other woman, who had to or who chose to have an epidural I have one question for you - will you, or did you, have your wisdom teeth removed without anaesthetic? No? Too painful? You've got nothing on me! Until you can sit through that without assistance then dont say a word to me!

There are so many things that people say and do, these are just a few small examples of bad experiences I have had or heard of and these dont even begin to skim the surface. Yes, looking back it is quite funny to talk about all the inappropriate things people said to you. But when you are in the thick of it, heavily pregnant and irritable, these things are not funny. They are not appropriate. They are not cool.

What is your worst experience?

Human compassion is at an all time low

image from here

Last week, after I wrote a post about how much I love Anthony we ended up in an argument. It was one of those arguments that aren't about much at all, but that repeat themselves throughout your entire relationship. This particular argument turned into a fight. That went for hours and it truly broke me for a while. It made me break down on my knees and cry, the most rejuvenating but heartbreaking cry. The type of cry that you would expect to hear from a young child. Uncontrollable and inconsolable sobs and screams of pain. The type of cry that leaves you with nothing but the need to sleep for the next 12 hours, holding on tight to your teddy. 

In the end, I think I needed that cry. My hormones and my emotions have been completely out of control and I have been feeling desperate and anxious. I have been feeling irritable within my own skin and lost within my own life. I have been feeling very lonely and craving something. What, I am not sure. But all those emotions have just been swirling around within me and I have had no release. Until last Tuesday night, when I collapsed on my kitchen floor and I cried them all away.

The next morning I was determined to not let the events of the night before affect my day. So I got up and created a spring in my step. I danced with my Daughter and built up her excitement for a morning out and about. We piled into the car and sang songs to each. I called my Sister and organised a visit to see her and the kids. On the way I needed to fill the car with petrol and get some money out for coffees. So I pull into my usual petrol station. I open the back door so that I can sing and play with Evelyn while filling up the car. I was still feeling so very emotional but I was going to make this day, a good day. Evelyn was playing with her beloved football happily in the back of the car when she dropped the ball and it consequently fell out of the car and landed right between the back wheels. 

As I was closing up the tank a car drove in and parked behind me, waiting for his turn at the bowser. I am not sure how or why, but I felt a vibe. I felt like I needed to rush inside to keep the stranger in the car happy. Is it possible for someone to seep so much anger that a stranger can feel that coming from within them, even when not in the same space?

I did a quick check to see if I could reach the ball and worked out that was just not going to happen. So I ran inside to pay. I got my can of coke and went up to the counter, there was no queue or wait, I paid instantly. Then remembering I forgot to get my money out, I dashed over to the ATM and retrieved the cash and ran outside to my car. Not truly understanding why I was so desperate to be fast, the stranger in the car would not have been sitting there for even five minutes.

I threw my things into my car and walked up to the strangers door. I politely tried to explain to him that my Daughters ball is beneath my car and would he please mind waiting just a moment so that I can move the car and gather the ball. The man, however, did not want to hear a word I had to say and proceeded to yell profanities at me. About how I had made him wait while I f**ked around inside. About how this was the only diesel tank. About how he needed to be at work. About how I need to move my f**king car. He then swiftly wound his window up and left me standing there, in shock, trying to process what had just unfolded before me. 

I looked to the man at the bowser next to me for some recognition that what had just happened was completely out of control. I looked to him for a shrug, or a concerned smile, something that said I did not just imagine that man's barrage of abuse. But that man swiftly looked away from me. 

Did that just happen?

I got back in my car and I moved it a metre up so that I could get my Daughter's beloved ball. I put it in park and looked in the mirror to find that the angry stranger had moved his car up with me. Only inches away from the back of my car, parked right over the top of that damn ball. I could not believe it. My adrenalin was pumping, fear was running through my veins. As I got out of the car that angry stranger muttered all sorts of swear words under his breath and turned his back on me. So, as I walked towards his car I said:

"Thanks for making a pregnant woman crawl beneath your car you arsehole!"

I swear, for just one brief moment, he was about to turn into a decent human being. It looked as though he was about to apologise and tell me that he did not realise. But he continued down his road of true arsehole and he says to me:

"well you made me wait you little bitch"

So, I ended up beneath the mans ute, on my hands and knees, trying to retrieve my Daughter's goddamn ball. She was screaming in the back of the car, I was crying and then man was standing there, all high and mighty. How dare I fill my car up at the only bowser that sells diesel. How dare I make him late for work. How dare I expect other humans to have any decency to treat each other with compassion and respect. How dare I be SO rude!

At what point did our own precious time become more important that human compassion? At what point did we all fall into such a fast pace that we cannot help each other, cannot lend a helping hand. In what world am I raising my Daughter that a man of 60+ years thinks that it is okay to treat a young woman with such distaste and appallingly bad behaviour. When did it become okay for him to scare a woman. A woman with a baby in the car. A woman with a baby in her belly. When did our world fall to such lows? When did decent human compassion disappear? How was he okay to watch a pregnant woman crawl beneath his car while he stood there, pride in his stance and anger in his heart.

I worry about the world that I am living in. I worry about my Daughter's generation. In a world that is only becoming more and more busy and full we are starting to lose sight of what is truly important. What is important is to love and care for each other. Be nice to each other. Support and nourish each other. No one should ever have to feel the fear and the hurt that I felt as I crawled away from his car and I cried for the rest of the day. No one should ever take such pleasure in making someone feel so much pain. What hope do our children have, of becoming compassionate adults, if our adults are acting like heartless children?