Dear Evelyn

"You are two years and four months old.
Your favourite tv shows are Peppa Pig, Dora and Raa Raa.

Your favourite toys are still your beloved Mr Rabbie, your blocks and your bike.

You are toilet training, on your own accord, and doing amazingly well. We are so proud of you.

Your talking is incredible. 

You can count to 6 without confusion, but know all the numbers up to 10. 

You know all of your colours and lots of shapes.

Your favourite foods are strawberries, spaghetti bolognese and tuna mornay."

You make me so incredibly proud my dear Evelyn Rose. On a daily basis you astound me with your smarts. You make me laugh with your humour. You warm me with your heart. You fill me up with so much joy and love and warmth. I have to be one of the luckiest I have ever been.

You have a beautifully warm and caring heart and every time you demonstrate this I am just amazed by how a two year old can care so much about the people around her. You are so aware of other peoples emotions, always giving a pat or a cuddle when someone is hurt. Asking if they are alright if they are sad. A kiss to make them feel better. You are full of empathy and compassion. 

I am so proud of you and the young girl you are becoming. Always know that you will make me proud with whatever you do and you will always have a home with me. I am so glad that you are mine.

I love you, darling girl

xx

You are ONE month old

 


Four weeks old, so long ago and yet such little time. A lifetime for you and just moments for me. You have blended into our family, your family, so peacefully, so easily. You belong here, with us, like there was never a moment that you weren't here. How lucky we are that you chose us, of all the families. How blessed we are, that you are our Daughter.

Being Mum to you has been so easy, so natural and so unexpectedly calm. I have a confidence in my decisions that I never had when Evelyn was a baby, we can thank her for teaching me that. Rather than worrying about what you are not yet doing, not achieving, I am able to relish in what you are doing. I am enjoying each moment for what it is and not looking forward to the next.

With a first born baby you find yourself constantly looking forward, constantly checking that you are baby is on the right track. In a sense you force the first born to grow up faster. But with you, Zali Bear, I don't want you to grow up. I want you to stay like this, forever. You get to just be as you, while I get to enjoy you as you are. 

You are a beautifully calm baby. You were born cranky and grumbly, you were even known in the hospital as "the cranky water baby". But you are just like your Mummy, the minute we walked you through our front door you became calm and relaxed and happy. You have been that way ever since. You give us 5 hours sleep at night. You sleep well through out the door. You fed well, constantly, but well. You have smiled, at only four weeks old. 

I can tell that you are happy to be a part of our family, I can feel it in your body, I can see it in your eyes. You belong with us, Dear Zali Bear. You are so loved, by all of us. But most especially you are loved by your big sister, Evelyn. She adores you. She spends her time comforting you, playing with you, cuddling and kissing you. You are the first person she wants to see in the morning and the last person she kisses at night. You are going to be a very lucky girl to have a sister like her and she is going to be just as lucky to have a friend in you.

I have loved watching you grow over the past four weeks and I cannot wait to continue to watch you blossom.

I love you, Dear Zali Bear

Dear 2 year old you...

In the blink of an eye you became a girl. Two years have passed by since you came into my life and yet it feels like only yesterday that I held your teeny 7 pound, 11 ounce body, cradled in my arms against my bare chest. Singing to you, for the very first time, hush little baby. 

It seems like only a moment ago that I gave you your last feed from my body. I wrapped you for the very last time. I remember the moment you rolled over for the first time, the moment you began to crawl and that very first step you took. I remember your first words and your first food. I remember every fall and every single spot I have had to kiss better. I know the songs that will calm you down and the way to cuddle you when you are sad. I know where you are ticklish and where you are not. I know what makes you laugh and what makes you cry.

I know you, inside and out. I remember every milestone, I even remember the things that are not so important. I know all of this because you have become my life. From the moment you entered our lives, from the moment I became a Mother and you became my Daughter, I have dedicated myself to raising you, to loving you. 

You bring sunshine into my life. You make every moment brighter. You have made life fuller. I am so proud of the young girl you have become. You are caring and kind, gentle and compassionate. I will dedicate the rest of my life to nurturing all of your characteristics, supporting your dreams and I will cheer you on in all that you endeavour. 

I look at you and I fill with pride, love and adoration.

Happy Birthday my baby girl... go softly, step gently and dream big
You will make it far in this world, you will make it where ever you want to go and I will be right beside you, loving you in every step that you take

I love you, Dear Evelyn Rose
xxx

Dear Big Sister

Dear Evelyn,

Your life has recently changed. In the biggest, most shocking way it could possibly change. You have been our only focus for just shy of two years, our first-born Daughter, our baby girl. We have given you the best possible life we could give you and we have filled your days with smiles, laughter, kisses and memories. We have loved you with every fibre of our bodies, with an endless love. You have filled our lives with a happiness that cannot be described.

This week, we created something new. You have become a Big Sister to our second-born Daughter. This week, Mama and Daddy changed your life in the most miraculous way and you have embraced your new life with grace and with ease. We have given you the most beautiful gift a little girl can ever receive. A Sister. A best friend. An accomplice and a confidant. 

The friendship between two Sisters is a most magical friendship and you are blessed to have this little girl in your life. I know that you will both love each other, completely. I know that your relationship will twist and turn, grow and change. You will protect each other, support each other and love each other. I am proud to be able to give this gift to you and I am excited to watch it take its form.

In the last week you have changed, in all the right ways. You have taken on your new role as a Big Sister so wonderfully. You stroke Zalia's head with gentle hands, you ask if she is okay with sincere compassion. You comfort her as she cries and you help Mummy to make her feel better. You watch over her with love in your heart and adoration in your eyes. You are loving and gentle, just like I knew you would be.

I am so proud of you. I watch you, watching Zalia and my heart just explodes. I cannot help but cry, tears of pure happiness. I cannot help but just overflow with happiness and pride and joy. You have always been my soft, gentle baby girl and the way you are accepting your little Sister into your life just makes me know you are always going to be the most compassionate, loving girl I will ever know. You make me so proud, Evelyn. 

You are so excited about your Baby. You wake in the mornings and run to see her. If you wake at night you ask to see her. You look at her and smile. You hold her and laugh. You tell strangers that she yours, "my baby", you say. You love her and there has not yet been a moment where you haven't. 

Mummy loves you Evelyn. So very much. Tonight I sat in bed with you and you held my hands and we talked and played and giggled. I was so happy being there with you and spending that time with you that tears began to fall down my face. I was afraid, before Zalia was born, that I would miss you. And I do. I miss being able to pick you up with every request and give you my undivided attention. But we have a new groove now and I make sure that you and I spend our time alone. I make sure that I cherish the moments we have together. I make sure that you know you are always my girl and you will always be loved. 

I want you to know that no matter where my attention is, you are always in my heart. I want you to know that if you ever feel neglected or forgotten, that you never will be. You own my heart and now Zalia has created another that she will own. But yours will always be there. I will always love you both equally and I will always fight to make sure you know that.

You are wonderful, Evelyn. You are kind and soft and gentle. You are everything and more, than I ever could have dreamed of. You make me, and your Daddy, so truly proud. My life is brighter because you are in it.

I love you, Sweet Darling.
Love Mama
xx

Dear 23 Month Old You...

You became a 23 month old girl almost two weeks ago and I am embarrassed to admit that the day went by without either of us noticing that it was the day. The day that you became more Evelyn and less Mummy's baby. Our lives have been full to the brim with growing and learning, successes and failures, battles that we have lost and battles that we have won. Each day we wake up and we try to concur the day the best way we know how and then we both crash in bed in a state of pure exhaustion. Before I knew it, you were 23 months old and I had not even noticed!

I may not have noticed the date and the particular day that you reached that milestone. The month before you are two. But I have noticed, every single day, how much you grow. Intellectually, physically, mentally. Every day you are just that little bit more and every day I love you so much more than the last. When you were first born I received a message from a very old friend that I had not spoken to for years and she said to me "you will think you love her as much as you can, until you wake up tomorrow". That message has stayed with me and every morning I wake up and I know exactly what she means. 

Every time you smile my love for you grows. Every cuddle and kiss, my heart explodes. Every "mama" you speak, my heart doubles. Every time you showcase something new you learn, it backflips. I will never, ever, truly be able to express to you how it feels to have a child and to love that child. The words just do not exist. There is nothing in this world that is comparable. No one can ever truly understand the love of a Mother, until they are a Mother themselves. So for me to begin to try and describe the depth of my love to you, it would be a loss. Instead I will tell you that I love you and that one day you will understand just how big and real and strong that love really is.

The past month has been a hard one. You have been challenging and trialling, you test my patience and my kindness and yet you make me crumble into a ball of happiness, love and pride. You are stretching your independence and pushing your boundaries. You are working out what you are capable of and you are pulling away from how much you need your Mum. But in all of these moments you still hold me close, still look over your shoulder to make sure I am there. You still run to me for love, help, support and encouragement. 

You have conquered your big girl bed with such ease and grace. Every time I tuck you in at night, I walk away from you with a singing heart. Each morning that awake and I havent heard from all night, my heart sings a little bit more. I put you into that bed with great hesitation and fear. But you proved to me just how much of a big girl you really are. Your day naps are near nigh impossible since the transition, however. Your new found freedom is too distracting and you just cannot possibly miss out on a minute of life by being in bed asleep. This has been a hard transition for me, but one that I coming to accept.

Your tantrums are bigger and stronger. They are confronting and testing. But with every tantrum you throw I try to explain to myself that you are trying to work out what the world means. Why your Mum is saying no. Why she doesnt understand you. Why you dont understand me. You are only just beginning to understand the world and in doing so you have are beginning to realise that you are not the centre of the world. These lessons are hard lessons and will take some time for you to grasp and until then I need to learn patience and calmness. I need to learn to sit back and let you work it out. 

You are my best friend, baby girl. You come every where with me and you do everything with me. You are my helper, helping me to unpack the groceries, pay the lady, take the money, open the doors. You make my life brighter, lighter and happier. I have had 23 months with you by my side and I could not imagine my life being any other way. You are my light and I love you so very dearly.

I love you, Evelyn Rose x

Dear 22 Month Old You...

I can barely believe it. You are only two small months off being two big years old! And only one teeny month off being the greatest big Sister ever. You rock my world. You truly bring so much life, happiness and laughter to my world. 

This last month has been a big month for us. I have taken the dummy away from you, I have given it back to you. We lost our sleep routine and your desire to actually ever want to sleep and then we found it again. You pull your hair out and I get upset. You are learning about disobedience but you are also learning about respect, manners, politeness and kindness. You push the boundaries but you seem to like and need the boundaries.

Your tantrums are getting bigger, wilder and stronger. You are determined, you are adventurous and you are curious. So when your inquisitive nature puts your fragile body in harms way and your Mama or Daddy step in to save you, you just cannot understand why. Why can't I jump off this big ledge? Why cant I play with the cutlery? Why cant I walk through the waves? Why!? So you yell and you scream and you cry. But you are still manageable. I can still settle you down and I can still reason with you. I get down to your level and I hold you firmly and I explain to you that "Mummy loves you and Mummy doesnt want to see you get hurt and if you do this you will be hurt. Ouchies". You seem to understand because you stop tantruming and you give me a cuddle and then you take me by the hand and say "walk".

You are creative, imaginative, busy. You are always wanting to learn new things, see new things and go to new places. You tire me out, I cannot keep up with you. But I try. I want you to touch, feel, see and taste all that this world has to offer you. So we create, we imagine games and we get busy. 

Your most favourite place in the world is with your Mama at her most favourite place in the world. The beach. We walk the sand, we jump over waves, we run from the waves, we jump off mini sand dunes, we dig holes and build castles, we collect shells and we pick flowers. So many beautiful flowers. You are always calm, always happy. You have a smile on your face that does not exist anywhere else but here. You and me, we have a rhythm by the beach. Our hearts beat together, slowly and calmly. We know each other best when we are here. We enjoy each other best when we are here. The beach is our home and I am so very grateful that I am able to give you this. That I am able to surround your life by the magic that is the ocean. It gives me great pride, in myself, that you know the power of the water at age 22 months. You respect the beauty and you understand the magic. You know that there is something so very special here. I may not have a religion and I may not ever teach you one (although I will encourage you if that is what you chose to do) but I do have a faith and my faith can be found at the beach. I think you are learning to have the same faith and that just makes my heart swell.

In the coming month we will be putting you in a big girl bed, we will be teaching you about the potty, we are focusing on colours. You will become a big Sister. This coming month will be all about learning. Learning new things. New responsibilities. You are already such a beautiful little helper, always wanting to get Mummy the things she needs, pegs, nappies, cloth, broom. You are always so proud of the things you do that make my days easier and always so happy when you get something right. So this month will be all about encouraging those aspects of your personality. This month will be big. Big for you and me. 

You are cheeky. Smiley. Kind. Fun. Joyous. You light up any room, you light up my life. People love you, they cant help but to love you. You have a light about you, one that makes everyone smile. One that just makes life happier. You, my dearest baby girl, are destined for big things. You have the power to do anything that you want, anything that you dream. And I will hold your hand through any and every decision you chose. Because this life is yours sweet girl. This life is yours to live and love and take with both hands!

22 months. It feels like a lifetime. Life before you just a distant memory. Life without you a nightmare. You are what makes life full. In 22 shorts months, you have changed the world. My world.

I love you, my Dear Evelyn Rose, I love you so very deeply.

Dear 21 month old you

You were 21 months old three days ago! We have been busy enjoying our summer holidays with Daddy being at home so I simply just forgot to come here and tell you about your 21 months. But for the last three days I have been thinking about how at this age, you seem to be so much older than you really are. I am finding myself constantly reminding myself that you are still in fact a baby. Your age is still counted by the months and not the years. You are my baby and I am not ready to let you grow up yet.

In just two months time, we are going to have another baby in the house and I have been thinking a LOT about how that will affect you. How it will force you to grow up faster than if there were no baby. I am trying to come up with a way to still allow you to be a 23 month old baby when Jelly is born. How to not put too many expectations on you. I don't want to make you grow up before your time, because you are still my baby and I love every little ounce of your babyness, and even with another baby on the way, I am not ready to let your baby go. 

I think you may have other plans though, over this last month you have grown and grown up amazingly. Your ability to talk and to mimic all that I do has increased ten fold. Your words are still muffled but for you Daddy and I, we know exactly what you are saying. Some people have expressed concern about your speaking but I don't believe that there is any cause of concern. You are busy. Always busy. I think you just haven't had the interest in learning to speak at a rapid pace because you are too busy doing...things. 

Every day this summer we have gone to the beach and you are in your element. Just like your Mama. And your Daddy. We both love to watch you digging in the sand. You take trips with your bucket down to the water and rush it back up and play play play. Your absolutely favourite game is for Daddy or I to hold you in the water so you can kick your legs and float over the top of the waves. Your laughter echoes through the wide open spaces and bounces off the water. It really is my most favourite sound, and to hear it, at my most favourite place is just such a blessing. The beach is our escape, our sanity, our fun and our therapy and you just love every single thing about it. You are at your most happiest when you are by the ocean and this just makes me at my most happiest.

You have a boyfriend. Brodie. That you adore. You sing his name when he isn't here, and he calls for you when you are not there. You hold hands and jump in the waves together. You fetch him water and he thanks you. You kiss each other, hug each other, talk to each other and just love each other with every fibre of your being. It really is just the most beautiful friendship to watch blossoming. Brodies Mama and I, talk of your futures and that your friendship will forever grow and follow you both through life. I couldn't ask for a better friend for you, or a better family for you to be a part of, or a better little boy to be a part of ours. They all love you, Brodie, Kate and Aaron. And we all love them. 

We have taken the dummy off you, again. You are trying your hardest to be ok with this but the truth is that you really just love your dummy. I feel awful and horrible for taking it away from you, but you pull your hair out with your dummy and I need to break that habit. I really am very proud of you and how you are handling it. 

Yesterday, you climbed out of your cot, for the very first time. You landed in Mamas rocking chair that she left too close to your cot to entice you with. But now that we know you can climb out of there, I think it is time to move your big girl bed in and your cot out. I am concerned about too many changes too close together though. Firstly it was taking the dummy away, then the big girl bed, then a baby. I know how resilient you are and I am sure you will be fine but this never stops me from fussing over you.

Most Mama's dont like hearing the word 'No" come from their children but I just have to say, at this very moment in time, your No is just the sweetest little sound I have heard. Not the word itself, but the way in which your voice sounds. It makes me laugh. Every time. It is the most adorable sound and I really dont want to see it go!

You are 21 months old. You are about to be in a big girl bed. You are about to be a big Sister. You are growing up and I am desperate to just freeze time. Because 21 month old you is just the sweetest, most caring, most loveable little you. 

Mama loves you... every day and every month and it is a pure joy and an absolute blessing to watch you grow and to be able to call you ours. 

Goodnight Baby

Last night as I was laying you down to sleep I realised just how precious these moments are and that they will slip by us in no time at all. I had to stop myself from feeling sad at the thought that this won't last forever and remind myself to remember that very moment. Before I gave you your final goodnight kiss I dashed out to get the camera so that I could capture you forever, at 20 months old, with your bed buddies and your smile and your sleepy eyes. 

Bedtime is one of my favourite parts of the day, not because you are going to sleep (by my bedtime I actually miss you and always come and see you for a quick cuddle and kiss), but because of the time we share and the bonding we do and the love that we show. You are at your most affectionate right before bed and in those moments I can see the love pouring out of you. It is in the way that you look at me and in the way you hold yourself close. It is in the kisses you give and it lines your sleepy little smile. Your love is so pure, unvarnished from the world. It is unconditional and I know it is forever mine.

Each night before you go to bed, we change in the lounge room and watch you try to put yourself inside your sleepy suit. We collect your bed buddies - Mr. Rabby, Bunny, Giraffe, Owl the music, little ted, piggy and your pink fluffy blanket. Then you take us by the hand and we all walk down the hallway to your room where we throw your buddies into bed, one by one, and giggle at the way they land. You put your hands in the air and say up.

Last night Daddy picked you up and you placed your wee little head on his shoulder and wrapped your arms around his neck and patted him on the bed. You then reached your little arm out to me and pulled me in close, put one arm around my neck and the other around your Daddy's and placed your head between ours. My family, having a family cuddle, requested by you. My heart skipped a beat! I stood there and melted. 

You pulled back and gave me a kiss. Your Dad a kiss. Me again. Dad again. Then you laughed at how silly you were being and so we all laughed with you. Daddy passed you to me to lay you in bed, we kissed each one of your bed buddies goodnight and put them in place.

You said 'bauble please', I gave it to you and began to drink waving goodnight to your Daddy and I. 

I stopped at the door to look at you just a minute longer because I know this phase will soon pass and I want to remember these moments for as long as I can. You are the most precious little baby and I love watching you grow but I will miss seeing you so small too.

Dear 20 Month Old You...

On Monday this week you were 20 months old... 20 months feels like such a huge milestone. No longer a baby but not yet a two year old. I cannot believe my eyes, watching you grow, learn and develop. Every day you amaze me with a new word or capability and every day I bust with pride that you are mine and that I am lucky enough to be raising you.

You are such a beautiful soul, I say it every month but every month you show me just how kind and gentle and caring you really are. It is my role as your Mother to nourish and encourage that characteristic in you, making sure that you never lose your heart and soul. At such a young age it not a concern of mine but I do worry that as you grow your desire to love the world and everyone in it may falter. I am trying to find a way to keep that trust live within you while teaching you about personal safety. I do not ever want you to lose your faith in people and the world, it is a beautiful faith to have and watching it shine within you reminds me to look for my own again.

You were born a true girl, so petite and soft and gentle. Your natural instinct is to play with the dolls, patting them on the back and placing them in their cots. You hold your friends hands and brush their hair when they are sad. You cuddle and kiss everyone you meet. I can already see that maternal instinct in you and I just know you will become the most beautiful big Sister and, in many years to come, the most wonderful Mother.

You are surrounded by little boyfriends so as much as you are a girl, you are also a tom boy. Kicking balls, playing rough and tumble, digging in the dirt. You will give anything a try and have no fear of being hurt or failing. I love watching that within you, because that is what Mummy was as a child. I am learning to encourage both sides of your gender. Trying to nurture the girl in you while encouraging the inner tom boy to come out and play. I imagine a life full of fairies and pink, balls and scraped knees and that is a life I couldn't even dream of.

You are my little beach baby, on any day, in any mood, being on the beach will instantly bring a smile to your face and your bad mood will disappear. Covered in sand and wet clothes you will run the length of the beach chasing the waves and digging holes. You are always happiest by the sea. Mummy is always happiest by the sea too. And I am so very happy that you and I can connect over something so precious and important to me. Your Daddy could not be any more proud and is dreaming of the day he can put you on a surf board. 

You are becoming bossy, dragging Mummy and Daddy and any of your friends from one place to another by the hand. You love to share your games and books and adventures with all of us and we love to join in and play with you too. 

You are becoming more and more vocal, learning new words every day and it is such a thrill! But, there is no sound I love more, than when you call my name... Mama... my heart truly melts and I often find myself with tears in my eyes and goosebumps on my skin. It is the most beautiful sound in the world. 

Being your Mama is the most precious gift I have ever been given and I will cherish it each and every day. We will have our moments, some of them will be bad and I will let you down, but just know that I loved you before you were born and I will love you until the very end. Nothing will ever take that away from us and there is nothing you can ever do that will question the strength of my love. I want you to know that you will always be my baby girl and there will always be a place for you in my heart. I spend my days now fighting to be the best possible version of myself so that I can give you the best possible Mother. 

You are my world Evelyn... and in return for all that you have given me I want to give you the world

I love you

Dear 19 Month Old You...

Evelyn is only 19 months old today, but in the month just past it feels like she has grown a year.
Right before my very eyes I have watched my baby girl become a little person, full of personality and strength. As each day passes I am watching her become more independent and capable. I am watching her become more and more like her Mama ~ head strong and stubborn.

These last few weeks have been a battle of the wits, her pushing her boundaries and limits resulting in me trying to find new ones. Each day over the past three or four weeks we have fought with each other for her to sleep, day and night. We have struggled through meal time, breakfast, lunch and dinner. We have wrestled, me, her and the car seat. It has been exhausting and chaotic. But it has been challenging and exhilarating. With each battle we fight, lose or win, I learn just how very able she is. 

I have learnt that she knows more than I have ever given her credit for. I have learnt that in her wee 19 month old body, she has the most incredible strength. I have learnt that what I have always been told was shyness, truly is nothing other than her making a decision ~ to trust or to distrust. I have learnt the power of her screams, to crumble me into tears, but also the magic of her laughter, to cure any bad mood. I have learnt that I can and will continue to be mad with her, but that my love and adoration for her will absolutely, never fade or waver. 

Evelyn has always be weary of new people, especially of men. But in this last month I have watched her open her heart to many of the men I trust to be in my life. I have watched her adopt my closest friends as her own. I have watched her bond form and strengthen with her little friends. She no longer stands to the wayside, but rather, she initiates conversations and cuddles. She takes people by the hand and walks them on an adventure, just the two of them, leaving my side and making her own way in life. Making her own decisions.

The tantrums are intense but the cuddles and kisses are twice as strong. The screaming is impossible but her words and communication skills are beyond belief. Her ability to make herself heard and understand is indescribable. Her vocabulary is growing every day and I cannot believe I ever doubted that she would learn words.

She is a girl of routine and process. No longer allowing anyone to do said routines but having to do them herself. Each day starts with throwing all of her bed buddies out of the cot and walking them out to the lounge room for the day. She then goes to the cupboard and chooses a bowl and passes me the milk. After breakfast she places her dishes in the dishwasher and washes her hands and wipes her face. Each time we arrive home, she takes the keys and locks the car, unlocks the house, closes the door and puts the keys in the bowl. She wants to be grown up. She wants to do for herself. She wants to do as her Mama does. 

Life as a Mama to a 19 month old independent, head strong Evelyn who refuses to sleep is the most exhausting thing I have ever done, but it is the most challenging and the most rewarding. I read something earlier today that said, something along these lines, you will not remember the nights that you slept. And I believe that! As tiring as the days and nights have been, we have made some of the most amazing memories and experienced places and things that we other wise wouldn't have had the time to do.

Evelyn, before this last month, I never could have imagined myself becoming stroppy with you. But in the last month you have pushed me to extremes, both good and bad and for every moment that I felt stroppy with you there were bigger, better moments where my love for you exploded and just doubled in size... again and again. You are becoming a young girl. My young girl. I get to watch you grow and develop. I am blessed to watch you find your feet on this world. I am blessed to have the chance to experience your life by your side. You are my best friend, my shadow. I cannot imagine my life any other way and I truly could not choose a better best friend! You are everything to me, you show me the way, you give me strength and inspiration, you encourage me to find the light and beauty in every situation. You remind to smile more and laugh louder. You make me play more. You make life so much... greater, than I ever could have known it could be. 

You are a true beauty, a true star and I get to spend every single day with you!
How lucky I am!

I love you, forever my baby girl
xx

**Photo's taken by a beautiful woman named Jo**

Dear 18 Month Old You

Yesterday, you were 18 months old.

I have been avoiding sitting down to write this post as the idea of you being 18 months old actually terrifies me. 18 months. That is one and a half years, on the nose. That means that when someone asks me how old you are, I can no longer really respond with a monthly response. But rather, with, 'one and a half'. That means, you are no longer my baby but rather, my little person. And that, Dear Evelyn, terrifies me.

There has been nothing I have loved more in life than watching you grow. Every day a new adventure. Every moment a new lesson. With each day passed you become a little bigger, a little more interactive, a little less baby and so much more you. It has been the most incredible journey, me growing as your Mama and you growing as my baby. I am not sure that I will ever be able to find the words that truly express how deep my love is for you and how truly inspired I am by watching you. 

All I can do, is love you. Each and every day I try to make you feel the love that I have. It is important to me that you never question it, that you never feel like you have to. My love for you will never falter, fade or die. It is constantly growing bigger and brighter within me and it is my aim to ensure that you know in every moment how big and real it really is.

You have changed so much in the last two months. Every day you step closer to becoming the beautiful young girl I just know you'll be and you leave behind more of that little baby that I once carried within me. Your personality is so strong. So soft and so quiet and so dreamy, but so there. I can see that you are going to be quietly confident, softly opinionated and powerfully independent. You are a dreamer, you are wary, you are an observer. I just love the way you walk the earth with your cautious steps and your inquisitive mind. It gives me a sense of peace to know that you always test the waters before making a decision and I hope that this is a trait that you carry through life with you.

When you were just a young baby you were more than wary of unfamiliar grounds and faces. You needed to be in the arms of those you trusted. Some mistook this as shyness and fear but I believe that this was your independence. You were not fearful nor shy, you were strong willed and bossy. You only wanted to be in the arms of the person you chose and if someone else where to pick you up, you would complain. The older you become, the more apparent this becomes. You chose which situations you would like to be apart of and which people you would like to talk with. You do not like to be told what to do or be forced to do. I can foresee that this will be an eternal battle between you and I, Mother and Daughter, the older you become. But it will always be something that I am proud to see in my Daughter.

You are communicating more and more. With words and understanding. I find it the most fascinating thing to watch you communicate in your own very special language. The most fascinating of all, is that you and I can understand each other, without actually speaking the same talk. I love our little language and understandings of each other, it is our own little world that just we are apart of. As much as I look forward to the day you are speaking with a full vocabulary I will be sad to see the end of these moments. Our special whispers.

You yearn for more, every day. More to learn, more to do, more to see, touch and experience. I love the adventure you bring to my life, I love the motivation you give me to get back to basics and start at the beginning again. To pick flowers, to stop and touch the grass, to feel the sand between our toes and to chase the waves. You have so much excitement in your small 18 month old body that it is contagious. You make life fun and exciting and full. You remind me every day of the beauty in our world. To seek out the small things and to appreciate the colours and sounds and touch. 

But, with all the great, comes the other. The tantrums. They have started and they are big. Before this weekend past, I have never truly had to handle a tantrum, let alone a public one. But this Sunday you chose IKEA, of all places, possibly the busiest shop in all of Sydney. And you tantrumed. It was a show down. A throw down. There you were, days off 18 months old, in all your fully formed toddler glory, throwing the worlds most spectacular performance. Filled with screaming, with acrobats, with punches and scratches. There was no stopping you and your almighty strength. You were going to scream until you got exactly what it is that you wanted... whatever they may have been. 

Through every moment, the good and the bad, my heart beams. You fill my life with such joy that sometimes I cannot believe my luck. You have given me reason and you have filled our home and our family with so much... You. I can't love you enough for that. 

You will forever be my baby girl, wether you want to or not.
I love you so fiercely my darling xx

Love explosions

For the 6 months just past, I had been working from home for three days of every week. I was to fill 8 hours worth of work each Monday, Wednesday and Friday. And I was to complete those 8 hours worth of work within business hours as much as possible. In those 8 hours I was also to be a present, loving and doting Mama and a domesticated house wife in order to keep myself and Anthony and our home happy. I was to serve breakfast, lunch and dinner to a demanding Evelyn, as well as snacks, nappy changes, nap time and reading, play time. I was to prepare dinner for Anthony and I (I was however lucky enough that on most nights Anthony would cook the meal and do the post dinner clean up). In amongst all of this, I was to somehow feed myself, shower and clean myself, look after my health and somehow my happiness.

Each and every week, I didn't think I would survive another. But then the weekend would come, and I would relax, I would spend time with my family, I would find my happiness again and by Monday I would think, "I can do this". Until Friday arrived and I would consider my resignation, yet again. This became our normal, our awful, dreaded, weekly routined normal. But... somehow, I survived. I completed that 6 month contract. And, I actually got everything done. So much so that my last 2 weeks were spent asking for more work to do. 

I felt a sense of pride, going back to work and surviving it. Bringing in some much needed money all whilst still taking care of our Daughter. However, I feel so much guilt and I feel that both Evelyn and I were deprived of some very special times. We spent too much time indoors. I spent too much time being frustrated at her, for just... needing me. I felt angry with her for no reason other than she wanted a cuddle. I put that job before her. I let that job make me feel emotions towards her that I otherwise never would have felt!

So, since the day I handed in my computer and signed the end of my 6 month contract, three weeks ago, I have been creating a new normal, making sure I spend every day with Evelyn. Giving her my all. Giving her everything she wants from me, everything she needs. With each cuddle she requests, I open my arms and I embrace her. With each book she presents, I sit and read until she begs me to stop. With each cry or complaint or laugh she sounds, I run to her side and aid her request. 

Now that I am able to celebrate each and every moment of Evelyn, without other commitments intruding on our time, my heart has just exploded with love and my heart has also ached with a little despair. How much I missed out on, whilst staring at that computer screen. But how much I am now gaining. The bond between us has doubled in strength. My understanding of her and her language is now unbelievable. The fun we have, the wrestles, the reading, the airplanes, the cuddles, the kisses and most importantly the learning. Her learning new words, me learning her words. Her watching the world and me seeing it for all its glory through her eyes. She has so much to learn, and so much to teach me. 

Over the past week especially, there have been moments where she has melted my heart with her incredible love, so much so that I have cried. Such happy tears. Such love. Such fire I feel for her and her, obviously, for me. Each and every night Anthony does the "ni-night" routine by dressing her in her pajamas and giving her, her sleepy suit. She brings the suit to me and I lay it out on the ground where she promptly lays and patiently waits for me to zip her up. As I do so, Anthony prepares her night time bottle. She runs, from me to him, in her sleepy suit, yelling "bauble, bauble". Anthony takes her hand and asks, "Wheres Mr Rabbie?", and as her beloved Rabbie adventures all through out the day by her side, he could be most any where! We all spend the next 5 minutes searching for Rabbie and once he is found she squeals in the most divine show of delight there ever was. She and I say our good nights and give our cuddles,  Anthony starts to walk her up the hallway to bed. I shout out after her, "I love you", she turns, she runs to me, her lips puckered and her eyes swollen with pure love for her Mama, I take her wee little head between my hands and I give her the biggest, sloppiest, most loving kiss I can possibly muster. She looks at me and she nods and she turns and walks herself back to her Dadda and into her bedroom where they share secrets that only a Daddy and his girl will ever know. And in that moment I know that my world is right. 

And then I cry. 

Because I am living a life that even my dreams couldn't give me.

Dear 17 Month Old You...

Today, the 3rd of September, you turned 17 months old. 

Today you are more loved than any other day, your personality and your attitude is stronger than ever before, you are taller, blonder, teeth-ier and sass-ier than ever before. You are my tiny little human who is leaving behind the baby days and welcoming the toddler years and I could just not be any more thrilled. Sometimes I honestly wonder to myself, when will I stop loving you more? When will my heart be too full of love? Because at this rate it grows that little bit more each and every day and I feel like it is going to explode into tiny little confetti pieces of love!

Every day now we are learning new things, body parts, words, objects, songs. In fact, only yesterday, your vocabulary grew from 'George' and 'gone' to now include 'dall' (ball) and 'shoes'. Thats my girl! I knew from very early on you were going to have an obsession with shoes, and now here we are. Shoes as one of your very first words, and an obsession with carrying them around, putting them on, taking them off, wearing them... all.the.time!

We have had some very hard and trialling months of late with both you and I being consistently sick throughout winter. We have been testing each others patience (mostly you, mine). But we are now on the other side of winter and welcoming in the spring with skirts and dresses and days in the sun, collecting shells and walking barefoot in the sand. 

We have been making a very conscious effort to ensure that each and every day we leave the house and we socialise and play and experience the outdoors. Always a new adventure to be had and new people to meet. Your personality is thriving because of this. Mummy has unfortunately had to be working 2-3 days a week for the past 6 months and you have not enjoyed all the extra time indoors, but this week will be the very end of that and I will be back to being 100% yours. My time and attention will not waiver. Spring and Summer will be ours to walk through the meadows hand in hand and play with the sun and the wind and the air.

Mummy is growing you a little Brother or Sister, I am trying to teach you at the moment that a baby is sleeping within my tummy. But so far all you want to do is tickle my tummy, tickle your brother or sister and this is ok with me.

This week is one of very mixed emotions for me. We are leaving our home, the apartment that you lived the first 17 months of your life in. The apartment that we created a home in, created a family in. But, we move into a new place, a house, with a back yard, that we get to create a new home in, that we get to extend our family in. I am sad to leave behind the lounge room that you took your first steps in, the bedroom that we snuggled and slept together in, the nursery that you laid your sleepy head to rest in every night. But I am excited to create new moments and memories in a home that I hope will make us all much happier.

You are such a shining light in mine and your Dadda's lives. You are a pure joy to have, a pleasure to watch grow. You astound me every single day and always bring a smile to my heart. You are teaching me and showing me all kinds of things that I would be missing if it weren't for you. You make me laugh, all the time. You make me happy. Truly happy. In a way that was unimaginable. Each and every month is just a joy, and each and every month just gets better than the last. 

I cannot thank the universe enough for lining up the stars and delivering you and your beautiful heart into my world. The angels must have been dancing the day they created you for me. You fill my life with song, my heart with joy and my body with love.

I love you, my precious Baby Girl xx