An angel turns three

Image Credit

My Sister lost her son. He was born sleeping. Left this world before he got to enter this world. It was heart breaking and gut wrenching. One of the most emotionally traumatic moments of my life, of her life. To watch someone I love with such intensity, to watch someone I have admired and looked up to my entire life, go through something so unbelievably painful was unexplainable. It continues to be unexplainable, incomprehensible. 

There has not been a single day that I have been able to offer any sense of advice or support or empathy that made any sense to me, or to her. All I have been able to do is sit and listen, nod my head and offer my hand, my shoulder and my tears. All I will ever be able to do is listen. Because this type of pain, this kind of loss, just does not make any sense. We can not begin to understand the loss of an unborn child. My Nephew, Tyson James, was 37 weeks young. He wasn't given a chance to take his first breath outside of the womb. He never left the warm embrace of my Sister's body. He was created and then he was taken, only ever knowing the sound of his Mummy's heart and only ever knowing the warmth of her home. 

Tyson was born sleeping three years ago. I often find myself thinking about him, playing in amongst the clouds. Chasing a football, just like his Daddy. Watching over his family and sending butterflies kisses down. With the heart and strength of his Mummy and the kindness and gentleness of his Daddy, the smarts of his Sister and the adventure of his Brother. A perfect little angel, given to them to protect them, to love them and to remind them of how precious life is and how beautiful their love is.

I will never be able to understand the feelings my Sister feels. The thoughts she has. The hurt she feels. I will never be able to take it away for her. I will never be able to help her feel better. I will never be able to help. No matter how much I want to or how hard I try, this is something that only she can know. A loss that is inexplicable. 

Today, as I sat in Jelly's nursery, I thought about my Sister. I thought about how it feels to be full term pregnant. The excitement. The anticipation. The uncertainty. Today as I prepared my babies room I thought about the possibility of this baby not arriving safely. I sat on the floor of my babies nursery and I cried. I cried for the loss of my Sisters baby boy. I cried for the pain that she has experienced. I cried for the heart ache. As I sat there and cried, for just one brief moment, I had the slightest inclining of an understanding and then my heart broke for her. Since having my own child, Evelyn, it has become more real. To know what you can lose when you lose a child in this way. For just a small moment, I thought about what she lost, what I could lose, and my heart weeped. It weeped for my Nephew, for my Sister, for their loss. For the loss of all stillborn babies. It weeped in fear of this happening again. To me. To any woman.

A pain like this is a pain no one should ever know, especially not my Sister. I wish I could make it better. I wish I could understand how this happens. I wish I could make it stop. I wish for no woman to ever know this pain. But they do and all we can do is offer our hands.

Let them know we are here, we love them and that we will never forget.
I will never forget you Tyson James... Happy Birthday, my sweet baby nephew xx

An Angel Born Sleeping

Before I was ever pregnant with Evelyn, before I was even thinking about starting my own family, my Sister had started a family. She has a beautiful Daughter, my beautiful niece, Madison. She was the warmth to my days. She bought the most beautiful kind of happiness to our lives. When she fell pregnant with her second child I was most thrilled. Another piece to add to my family, another niece or nephew to love and hold and cherish with all my might. 

When they found out they were having a little boy my heart was filled with dreams of ball games and scraped knees. I dreamed of a day that we would kick a ball around the field or I would watch his first rugby game. My Sister was going to have her perfect pigeon pair, a life full of fairy dust and grubby knees. It was a delight to be able to share with her this journey throughout Motherhood, from one child, to two. I loved being able to share with her, the experience. The conversations, the dreams and aspirations, the worries and the stresses, the excitement and the joy.

~~~

One average, normal weekend morning, Anthony and I awoke in our apartment on the beach. We wandered across the road and spent the morning basking in the sun, frolicking in the water, enjoying the last days of summer and the beauty of life. We made our way home for a bite to eat and an afternoon nap. It was a beautiful day, a day that we enjoyed each other and we enjoyed the sun. We awoke, lazily, from our slumber and made about our way with no rush or urgency to be or do a thing. I picked up my phone that had been forgotten about for the day and I found it to be full of missed calls and a message. All from my Sister. The message simply said 

"We are at the hospital, can you please come and pick up Madison".

At that moment I felt that something was just not right. Something was seriously wrong. I threw Anthony's clothes at him and found my wallet and keys and I shouted, "we have to go". All of a sudden our slow and steady weekend pace had been replaced by rush. By stress and fear. And I had no idea why I was running down those four flights of stairs with Anthony following confused and concerned behind me. I threw the keys and said you are going to have to drive. 

We got in the car and I made the call with dread in my heart and I was met with tears and heart ache. I was asked to just contact Mum and to please come get Madison. I was told to find them in the Maternity ward. I gave Anthony directions of where to go and we raced our way there. Before I was able to pick the phone up my Sister called back and she said to me, two words. Two words that I will never be able to erase from my mind. They are apart of me now. 

"He's Dead"

~~~

In that moment, my life changed in a way that I cannot begin to describe. In that moment my Sister's life collapsed. She was four weeks away from completing her family with the birth of her boy. Four weeks. So little time and yet all the time in the world, for something to go wrong. And go wrong it so terribly did. Her boy was taken from her in the most unimaginable way. In a way that she, and I, were so unaware of. She waited her 12 weeks to reach the "safe zone". We thought that was it. We thought that from that moment, she would be blessed with her second child and me, my nephew. It was never a consideration that this may not be the ending that she will receive.

On February 9th 2010, my nephew, my Sister's son, Tyson, was born sleeping. Too great for this world, unable to take his first breath. He was created for different things, for things we cannot understand. He was made for a world, far away from ours. He blessed us with 8 months of his presence, taken all too soon. My Sister has an angel watching over her, every day. A son she cannot hold, but who holds her close. A son she cannot teach, but who guides her every day. A son that she cannot kiss, but who blesses her every step. An angel born sleeping, to guard her and protect her and wait for the day they can reunite.

~~~

My Sister is one of the strongest, most inspiring women you could ever know. To go through such pain and turmoil, such devastation and loss, but wake up each day and carry on with a smile on her face... well, its something I would just not have the strength to do. Every day she thinks of Tyson, thinks of what she has lost and thinks of what she has gained. Yet every day she carries on. 

A loss such as this is a loss that she  should not know. No Mother should have to carry their child to full term, no woman should have to birth their child and bury him three days later. No woman, ever, should have to experience such bitter sweet emotions. How to celebrate the birth of your son, but grieve his loss in the very same moment? 

My Sister is the type of woman everyone needs to know and her story, the loss of her son, is one that we should all be aware can happen, all too often. 

For more information or to donate to the stillbirth foundation please click here