My Heart, Your Home: Everybody leaves...   

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Everybody leaves...

Growing up I had one friend. One true friend. One friend that I knew would always care for me, always love me, even if we weren't friends. I knew this because, she promised me we would be best friends forever and I believed her. 

When I first left Sydney to move to Forster, I arrived a timid, shy and broken little girl. My Daddy had left and then I was leaving every thing I had ever known. To start a new life that I didn't even know existed, nor did I want to know. I arrived at a new school a timid, shy and broken little girl and those kids smelt my fear! I was a target, fresh meat. I didn't have a single friend. I tried. The teachers tried. But I just wasn't finding my place. Until I met this girl. And she saved me. She put her body between mine and those kids. 

I didn't think anything of that moment or that girl until I was invited to a party, the party of the Daughter of Mum's new best friend. And she was there. We stayed up all night. We talked while the other girls slept. We giggled and we sang and we played. We slept head to toe on two single chairs pushed together. Two young girls, forming a bond, over nothing at all. We promised that night to be "best friends forever". She was the first friend I made on my own. And she has been the one true constant friend I have maintained. She has wavered. Our friendship has ebbed and flowed. Over 18 years she has supported me, she has made me laugh, she has made me cry. Over 18 years she has come and gone. But always, even when I didn't think I knew, I have known that she cares about me. Always, I have known that she will never leave me. I have always known that she will be the one and the only true constant in my life. I do not fear her leaving. Because I know, even when she does leave, she always comes back.

Throughout my life, making friendships has been a difficult task. It is something that is surrounded by apprehension and anxiety. It always has been and I think it may always be that way. I fear making friends because I fear the moment that they leave. And I am left feeling hurt. I am left wondering "what is wrong with me?". I am left thinking everybody leaves.

I have had many friends. Girls and boys, men and woman. Good friends. Fun friends. Demanding friends. Selfish friends. Bad friends. I have had them all. And mostly... I have lost them all. 

Everybody leaves

Some I have pushed away. Others I have cut. Some have just disappeared and others just lose touch. But at the end. They have all gone.

Today, another has left. And I feel lost, hurt. Today a friend treated me as a stranger and ignored my Daughter. Today, she left me behind. I feel confused, anxious. I approached the subject to be told there is no problem, that she is just busy. To me, personally, a friend would stop and say hello, busy or not. Personally, someone who calls themselves 'Aunty' to my Daughter, would stop and acknowledge my Daughters existence. Personally, I feel like I was treated as an acquaintance. I was treated the way you treat that person you want to avoid.

Perhaps I am avoidable. Maybe I expect too much. Perhaps I am the selfish, demanding, bad friend. That is certainly the way I am left to feel today. Perhaps my expectations on how a friendship operates are unrealistic. Perhaps my fear of being left behind is what ends up causing me to actually be left behind. 

Today I question myself and question why I am so hard to love. Today i apologise to you, my friend, for making you feel that you had to leave.

Everybody leaves and I am left wondering... what is the point?


  1. I think this post just made me realise I have been making one of my closest friends feel this way. I must call my dear buddy tomorrow. I have recently found myself very busy with babies and work and have avoided phone calls from friends because of this. I know it's no excuse but maybe your friend has just been feeling a little overwhelmed with life at the moment and just needs some time to sort herself out

    1. Did you call your friend?
      I can totally understand that life gets away from us, I am totally guilty of this myself.
      However this has not been the first instance of something like this occurring and she just plain walked past me with a Hi shouted over her shoulder. If I had of not said hello, I truly believe she wouldn't even have looked up.
      I believe it is just time to let this one go, and today I am ok with this decision xxx

  2. Oh Jess! :( So hard on yourself! just look in the eyes of your little one and you will see you're easy to love I'm sure. My little ones always help me bounce back when I'm feeling down xx

    1. The unconditional love I receive from Evelyn is by far the best reminder in my life.
      Some days just get on top of you. It was just a day and I am now moving onwards and surrounding myself with people who wish to surround me and strive to be my friend, rather than it be a chore.
      Love xxx