Growing up I had one friend. One true friend. One friend that I knew would always care for me, always love me, even if we weren't friends. I knew this because, she promised me we would be best friends forever and I believed her.
When I first left Sydney to move to Forster, I arrived a timid, shy and broken little girl. My Daddy had left and then I was leaving every thing I had ever known. To start a new life that I didn't even know existed, nor did I want to know. I arrived at a new school a timid, shy and broken little girl and those kids smelt my fear! I was a target, fresh meat. I didn't have a single friend. I tried. The teachers tried. But I just wasn't finding my place. Until I met this girl. And she saved me. She put her body between mine and those kids.
I didn't think anything of that moment or that girl until I was invited to a party, the party of the Daughter of Mum's new best friend. And she was there. We stayed up all night. We talked while the other girls slept. We giggled and we sang and we played. We slept head to toe on two single chairs pushed together. Two young girls, forming a bond, over nothing at all. We promised that night to be "best friends forever". She was the first friend I made on my own. And she has been the one true constant friend I have maintained. She has wavered. Our friendship has ebbed and flowed. Over 18 years she has supported me, she has made me laugh, she has made me cry. Over 18 years she has come and gone. But always, even when I didn't think I knew, I have known that she cares about me. Always, I have known that she will never leave me. I have always known that she will be the one and the only true constant in my life. I do not fear her leaving. Because I know, even when she does leave, she always comes back.
Throughout my life, making friendships has been a difficult task. It is something that is surrounded by apprehension and anxiety. It always has been and I think it may always be that way. I fear making friends because I fear the moment that they leave. And I am left feeling hurt. I am left wondering "what is wrong with me?". I am left thinking everybody leaves.
I have had many friends. Girls and boys, men and woman. Good friends. Fun friends. Demanding friends. Selfish friends. Bad friends. I have had them all. And mostly... I have lost them all.
Everybody leaves
Some I have pushed away. Others I have cut. Some have just disappeared and others just lose touch. But at the end. They have all gone.
Today, another has left. And I feel lost, hurt. Today a friend treated me as a stranger and ignored my Daughter. Today, she left me behind. I feel confused, anxious. I approached the subject to be told there is no problem, that she is just busy. To me, personally, a friend would stop and say hello, busy or not. Personally, someone who calls themselves 'Aunty' to my Daughter, would stop and acknowledge my Daughters existence. Personally, I feel like I was treated as an acquaintance. I was treated the way you treat that person you want to avoid.
Perhaps I am avoidable. Maybe I expect too much. Perhaps I am the selfish, demanding, bad friend. That is certainly the way I am left to feel today. Perhaps my expectations on how a friendship operates are unrealistic. Perhaps my fear of being left behind is what ends up causing me to actually be left behind.
Today I question myself and question why I am so hard to love. Today i apologise to you, my friend, for making you feel that you had to leave.
Everybody leaves and I am left wondering... what is the point?
