My Heart, Your Home: Fresh Horses Brigade - Who are you?   

Friday, 17 August 2012

Fresh Horses Brigade - Who are you?

Most of you will already know the very talent Eden over from Edenland, so most of you will remember this post. I wrote the below response to that question back when Eden initially asked it, but back then I didn't have a platform to publish it on. I saved it and have since pondered wether or not I would ever publish it. I have re-read it today and decided that yes... yes I will post it.

I could spend hours sitting here in front of an empty screen with that little irritating cursor flashing incessantly at me every half second pondering the answer to the biggest question of them all, "Who Am I?". There have been so many moments throughout my life where I have had to answer this question and each and every time I have just babbled my way through a response which actually doesn't respond or answer the question at all, it just leads everyone astray until they forget what it is they were wanting me to tell them in the first place, I even confuse myself. And here I am doing it again... But today is different.

Today I want to answer the question, as best as I can. I read this post over the weekend, it was written by a woman who inspires me to be more real, a woman who challenges me to think deeper. She is a woman who is so raw and real and honest that it challenges me, it shocks and impresses me. In her post she asked that we all answer this question and we link up to her answer. I wasn't going to take part in this. I wasn't sure how to or if I wanted to. But I have decided that what better way to open this new blog of mine. What better first post! About me. Who am I?

The question is truly overwhelming. It is intimidating. For those who know me from my previous blog will know a little about me, about my past. For those who are new to me, to Jess, wont know a thing. I will start by telling you I did have a blog previously. One I cannot name here as I do not want to lead my unwanted readers to this space. I will begin by telling you that I am very sensitive. So sensitive that I cried about shutting my old blog down for a week. I cried because writing at that space gave me the confidence to have a voice and a voice is something I have never had before. It gave me the courage to tell my stories and my share my opinions and to actually talk, to have the floor, to be heard. I cried for a week because I didn't want to give that up. It was so refreshing and addictive and I just couldn't let it go.

So I am moving myself to this new space. A protected a space. A space where no one I know will know how to find me. A space where I can have that voice and that confidence and I can be real and true to myself. This place will be a place for me to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance, a sense of encouragement and support. It will be a place that I can just be honest to myself and to the world without carrying the weight of all those thoughts I always have in my mind. I wont delve too much into why I have come here but I will just say that there is some people in my family who didn't appreciate me writing about my life. They were part of the reason why I never had a voice, then once I found it, they wanted to take it from me again.

I talk about not having a voice. Growing up I was always the shy child. I was always the one that was terrified of doing anything out of the ordinary in fear of being noticed. I was scared of being funny or silly in fear of being laughed at. I was the child who sunk into the back ground and just watched the world float by. I am still that child. I am still scared of being noticed. The only difference between that child and this child is that this one wants to be noticed and heard. This one knows what it is like to be heard and thinks its kind of awesome. This child understands that life isn't meant to float you by and that being noticed and heard and supported and appreciated isn't so bad.

I am a girl. I am a girl who is apparently a woman. But being a woman to me, means being grown up, being responsible and being sensible. I am neither of those things. I am just a girl who is living the life of a woman, with a few responsibilities and few sensibilities. I am just a girl who really doesn't understand what it means to grow up, because in truth I don't want to grow up yet.

I used to think, when I was a girl, that I was wise beyond my years. I used to think I knew. I didn't know what it was that I knew, but I knew it anyway. Now, I don't know a whole lot. I don't know who I am. I don't know what it all means. I don't where I am going or where I have come from. There is only a few things I know for sure.

What I do know is this, kind of...

My name is Jess.
I am a Mother to one of the most beautiful and gentle souls this world will ever know, my daughter Evelyn. She is just over 1 year old and the day she came into my world is the day my world ceased being my world and became her world. The day she was born was the day my heart no longer beat for me, it beat for her. The first time I saw her was the day I found the meaning to peace. She is my peace.

I am a girlfriend, partner, lover and friend to one of the kindest men in the world, Anthony. I know that he is the kindest man in the world because I can see it in his eyes. Those eyes, they are so kind, so gentle, so soft. I fell in love with those eyes before I fell in love with the man behind them. Don't get me wrong, he is not always kind, but I believe the moments when he isn't kind is because he forgets to try. He never means to hurt anyone, he just doesn't mean not to hurt them. He completed my world and taught me what safety is. What love is. He taught me what it was like to have a home. He is my home.

I am a sister, to a brother and a sister. My sister is my best friend and I couldn't live without her. My brother is becoming a stranger but I love him none the less.

I am a Daughter. To a Mother and to a Father. But not to a Mother and a Father combined. I come from a broken home. My Mum remarried, which makes me a step daughter. My Dad also remarried, but that didn't make me a step daughter. Being a step daughter means existing as a child to a person who wishes you to be a part of their world.

I am a friend. To few people but the people whom I consider my friends are diamonds to me. I wouldn't have it any other way. I have found it hard to make and maintain friendships. I don't trust people too often. People always leave. I have always found it too hard to put my time and energy into a friendship because I am always waiting for the day they leave. Because of that fear... I have lost a lot of friendships that other wise would have lasted.

What I know for sure is that all of the above does not define who I am, not really. The above are decisions I have made throughout my life which have shaped the life I lead today. But those things do not shape the person I am. The person I am is complex and misunderstood. The person I am is confused and confident, shy and loud, loyal yet hot tempered. The person I am is someone that you will never understand, because I will never understand and this is the way that I like it. The day that I truly know who I am is the day that I stop developing and learning and changing and I don't welcome that day... not yet. I will never know who I am because I am ever changing.

I don't know who I am, I really don't, I know there is a lot about me that makes me different to you. But the true me, my soul and my heart, has not yet revealed itself to me and until then....

....its for me to find out and for you to wonder

Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade

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