My Heart, Your Home: Anonymous   

Friday, 17 May 2013


Dear :),

Earlier this week you decided that you would let me know that I seem to whinge more about Motherhood than I do enjoy it. I have spent the week trying to absorb your comment. I have ranged from being upset, to being angry at you to being disappointed in myself. I have tried to leave that comment in the past and forget about it. But all week it has been eating away at me. Not because it was made by you, not because I disagree or agree, but because you sent me on a guilt trip.

I am not writing this post to explain myself to you. I am writing this post to explain it to myself. You sent me on a guilt trip because you made me question myself and my ability to be a Mother. You made me ask myself if I do enjoy it as much as I thought I did, because if I enjoyed it, surely it wouldn't bleed into my posts that I don't? After you left that little comment, I went back through my entire blog and read every single post, trying to determine where you made your conclusion from and I couldn't work it out. You told me that every post I write I am whinging. I don't read that. 

The day you left that comment just so happened to be the same day that I went back to my counsellor and asked her to assess me. I sat in her office and I cried to her, I told her about how unsettled Zalia has been. I told her that we were in hospital the night before because she was screaming for 6 hours straight, she had tears streaming down her face. She wouldn't feed, she wouldn't calm. She would do nothing but cry. I told her about how little sleep I am getting, how little rest I am getting. I told her about little support I have. That I don't have anyone I feelican call upon to take Evelyn for me. That I don't have a Mother who brings over cooked meals, or helps clean the house. I don't have the kind of family that you can lean on in a time of desperation.

I told her about how I am struggling to keep my head afloat and I told her that I think I am drowning. I asked her if she thinks I need help. Am I depressed? Am I falling into post natal depression? Is this what I am facing? 

I don't have depression, I am fortunate enough to not be facing that struggle. She assured me that every single feeling I am having is a natural side effect sleep deprivation. She told me it was natural to feel the way I am feeling, to be dealing with Zalia and her reflux, a toddler, all on your own without any sleep or family support would break anyone. She told me, she could see love and happiness in my eyes as I gazed into Zalia's eyes. She told me, she could see happiness. She said that to look at me, you would never know I was feeling so unsure of myself. 

After reading your comment, after spending the week thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that you cannot draw the conclusion you came to on the short snippets of writing that you have read. The thing about writing a blog is that you share bits and pieces of your life, moments. You don't always tell the whole story, there are sometimes parts you leave chose to leave out. You don't tell every story, you tell the ones that inspire you to write words down. The post that you left your comment on, I was not enjoying Motherhood in that moment. In that moment I was questioning wether I was fit enough to be able to be a Mother to my two beautiful children at this point in time. In that moment, I had two hours sleep in a 48 hour period. In that moment, I was not myself. You don't get to draw a conclusion on my entire Mothering journey on that one moment.

I do enjoy Motherhood, for the most part. But some of it is completely unenjoyable. Like yesterday when I had to scoop poo out of Zalia's nappy with a paddle stick and put it into a specimen jar so the Doctors can test it. I didn't enjoy that. Like watching Zalia scream and writhe in constant pain and not being able to do anything about it, I hate that. Like being projectile vomited on at 4:30 in the morning, so big and bad that it wet the entire side of my bed, that was not fun at all. 

Sitting in a paediatrician's office and reciting the last 8 weeks of our lives while Zalia screams and Evelyn throws herself on the ground in a tantrum. I was breaking out in a sweat. My tiredness was causing me to stutter and the Dr was just watching me fall apart in worry for my Daughter. That was no fun either. 

Trying to navigate my way through the shops with my two Daughters in a trolley. Zalia reclining in the baby seat and Evelyn clipped in next to her, screaming and trying to push Zalia out because she wanted the baby sit. Needing to be at the shops because the house was completely empty of any edible food. Zalia screaming and spitting up all over herself. Having all my fellow shoppers stopping and staring at me. Trying to get back to the car and having a group of elderly people stopping right in front of me and not be able to control my trolley around them. Having a young man offer me help and breaking down in tears at his kindness. That wasn't even slightly enjoyable. 

Motherhood is a rollercoaster, no one is expected to excel at it all the time. No one expects you to enjoy every moment of it. When some one is struggling, we should band together and support them, not accuse them and shame them. When they excel and succeed we should celebrate them. When they fall short and feel as though they have failed, then we should hold them up and help them move forward, not break them down.

Motherhood is a challenge. It is a blessing. It is a calling. Motherhood is the easiest and the hardest job that anyone will ever do in their life. It is sunshine and rainbows, and it is also grey skies and stormy nights. Like anything in life, like life itself, there are ups and downs. That, is the reality of Motherhood, that is my reality. You told me that you whinge about Motherhood too, but only to your close friends and family, not to anyone and everyone. I guess all I can say to that is, how lucky you are to have people you can whinge to. How lucky you are to not feel the loneliness that I feel when i realise that there are not many people in my life whom I can talk to about how I am coping. Not without them dismissing my struggles with a simple, we've all been there. How lucky you are. 

I love my Daughters, in a way I never knew existed. I love my Motherhood journey. I love the triumphs and I love the falls. Because it is all a lesson. Every day I am growing and changing and learning. I love this life, the struggles, the enjoyable moments. I do enjoy Motherhood and I enjoy being able to share my journey here with you and in the future, with my Daughters. This is a place of honesty, the pretty and ugly. 

So, Dear :), thank you for "letting me know" that I don't seem to be enjoying Motherhood. But I am well aware of the moments I don't enjoy it. Please do not shame me into feeling like I am failing at this gig. Because if I know anything, I know that I am not failing. I am giving my Daughters the best life I can give them and I am doing my best at all I do. 

That, my friend, is good enough for me.

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