My Heart, Your Home: There is an elephant...   

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

There is an elephant...

There is an elephant in the room. He follows me around where ever I go, lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce at any moment of weakness. I carry him with me, plastered all over my face, buried deep within my eyes, masking my emotions. He spills from me, he is in my words, my stuttering words, my inability to find my voice. He has become a new member of my family, a daily part of my life. There is an elephant in my room, welcome, dear friend, my sleep deprivation. 

My lack of sleep is taking over my life, my thoughts, my ability to be a Mother. It has become my obsession, the only thing I can think of. When I lay my head down at night, I wonder how long it will be before I am woken again. I find myself too scared to fall asleep, in fear of that feeling when you are woken before your time. The shakes, the nausea, the emotions. My elephant is haunting me and my dreams.

There is an elephant in my room, he sleeps within my baby. He follows her where ever she may go, lurking in her shadows, causing her pain and discomfort. She carries him with her, deep within her teeny body. He spills from her, in screams and tears. There is an elephant living with us. 

There is something about being this tired, it changes the way you see the world. It effects the way you view yourself and your life. There is something about the darkness of the night, emotions seem more raw, problems are larger than life, everything is darker in the dark of the night. 

I have a baby girl who was born a cranky baby. The first 48 hours of her life was full of screams and discomfort. She was irritable. Inconsolable. Then, we came home and she relaxed. She found her centre and we found our groove. We enjoyed each other, we enjoyed life. Until she became cranky again and she has been cranky ever since. 

I have a baby who refuses to sleep, who will not self settle, who will not settle with me. She screams, she arches, she throws up, she screams, she feeds and feeds and feeds. She is exhausted and she is exhausting me. I have a baby who needs some help, help from someone other than me. She will be seeing a Dr. next week and I pray that we will be able to find a resolution.

I have been doubting my ability. This elephant is clouding my days. One rolls into another, I am not sure where they begin or end. I am not sure if I am living up to my title of Mummy.

There is an elephant in the room and that elephant is me.

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