The Bump ~ 27 Weeks

Last week was a very emotional week, as my mind was full of fears that Jelly would be born way before their time. Ever since that day, I have been focusing my time on moving past that and accepting that we are safe, well and healthy. But in reality, I still fear that something is going to go wrong. I have this constant niggling thought at the back of mind that makes me think we are not going to make it to full term. I cant explain why or how I have come to feel this way but the thought is there and it is very real.

Tomorrow we have a check up with the midwives and I will be expressing my concerns to her. Hopefully hearing Jelly's heart beat and seeing that my vitals are well will reassure me, if only for another four weeks. I also receive the results of my glucose test tomorrow, this time around I am very nervous about this test and the results. 

This week, Anthony and I have been trying to come up with a list of names for Jelly but I am finding it increasingly difficult. He does not have much to suggest and crosses off the small amount of names that I am considering rather quickly. It would not be suprising if Jelly was born and nameless for a few days before we were able to settle on something that suits. My anxiety doesnt cope with this thought too well, but my heart is ok with it. Because I know that once I see Jelly's little face, I will know exactly what they should be named.

I have been thinking a lot about our coming labour over the last few days also. Who will take care of my baby, while I bring my new baby into the world. How we will settle our new baby into our current life, my Evelyn bonding with her new baby brother or sister. How long the labour will last, how long to stay in hospital afterwards. The emotional roller coaster that follows the birth of a child, the breast feeding journey. The sleeping, or lack of, once we are home. There are so many thoughts running through my mind, so much excitement, some concern and worry, a little fear. 

It has been a busy week for me, full of a lot of thoughts. I have been trying to prepare myself in the best way for the day that we are to welcome this baby of mine into our lives. But, there is only so much preparation you can do, the rest will just fall into place. I need to keep reminding myself of that.

Jelly, I cant wait to meet you but please prove me wrong and stay in there until the very end. You need all the time you can get in there to be able to tackle this world and this life with full strength and speed. I want you to have the best possible life you can have and in order for you to have that, we need to nourish your growth. My heart needs to beat next to yours, for just a little while longer. 

Its you and me babe, in such a short time, your hand will forever be in mine

What Christmas Means to Me

Christmas is a time of year that can often be swept away by stress and pressure, responsibilities and expectations, presents and things. It is a time of year that the traditions of the holiday can become so important to keep and repeat that we forget to actually live them. It is a time when everyone's desire to have the perfect Christmas, the perfect gift and the perfect decorations can often lead to people forgetting what Christmas is truly all about.

I am one of those people, I forget. I worry so much about what I want it to be, that it comes and goes and it was not at all what I was dreaming of. Growing up, Christmas was often surrounded by sadness and disappointment. My Mum was a single Mother of three children and come Christmas time, she grieved the life that she always wanted. It was a hard time for her and I remember it being so. My Dad was surrounded by a new family whom he celebrated with each year and by the time we made it down to him, Christmas was over. Each year, Christmas was not celebrated to its full potential and I have carried those memories with me into my adulthood, finding it difficult to celebrate Christmas for what I want it to be.

Christmas to me is about love. Not only for ourselves and our families, but for the world. It is about giving, not just gifts and food, but support and thanks. Christmas is a time to be grateful for the year that has passed and to look forward to the year that is to come. It is not a time to dwell on what was not, or what could have been, relationships lost, dreams not met. It is a time to look up, look forward and to be happy. It is about giving, to those who need it more than you, wether it be your time, a smile, a friendly hand, food or a gift. It is about helping to make someone else's day a little happier than before. It is about community. 

Christmas is not just about my family, it is about all families. It is not just about my children, but about all the children. It is not just about my world and what is important to me, it is about using my world to help the worlds of others. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be able to do something at Christmas time that was for the good of others, to help those who cannot help themselves, and every year what is important to me, becomes more important. But this year, I want that to be different. 

At a time of the year where most celebrate their good fortune and each other with food and good wine, with chilled beer and cheer, there are families out there who may not be able to be together. There are children who do not have parents. There parents who cannot provide for their children. There sick people and their families praying for good health. I cannot heal the hearts of all of those people, I cannot give them what they need or pray for, I cannot change their future or their pasts. But I can help to make their day just a little bit brighter. Christmas is about giving, to others, selflessly.

This year, in the week leading up to Christmas, my family and I will be baking and creating care packages full of Christmas treats. And on Christmas morning, before we open our presents, Anthony, Evelyn and I will be heading to the hospital and we will give out small boxes of cheer to the patients on the children's and intensive care wards. 

This may not be selfless, because to give in a way such as this, lifts your spirits in a way like no other. It will not be selfless because starting this tradition this year will teach my Daughter that Christmas is not about what is beneath the tree, it is about what is within our hearts. It is definitely not selfless because the feeling that this brings to me, to be able to do something for someone else on Christmas Day, is far greater than the feeling that any food or gift could ever bring to those people. One day, I will find a way to commit a true selfless act on Christmas Day, but for this year I am just thrilled to be able to do anything at all.

Being able to do something as small as this, for unknowing people, serves as a reminder to myself (and Anthony) that the world is so much bigger than us. I need to remind myself that I lead a privileged life and it is my responsibility to use my privilege to help others. This is a reminder to myself to slow down this Christmas, to think about others, to be kind and thoughtful, to care and to share. 

The world needs more kindness...

My heartfelt thoughts go out to all of those who are in a situation less fortunate than me and especially to the families and loved ones affected by the Connecticut tragedy today

The Bump ~ 26 Weeks

This last week has been a roller coaster ride, of health and of emotions, and I am finding it very difficult to sit down here today and write any words. In fact, I have been finding it difficult to write for several days now. But I do not want to miss a week in this little series, for the sake of Jelly and the day that I give these writings to them to be read. 

The week started out fine but it progressively became more and more stressful and I became more and more emotional. I have felt like my time has been torn between the people I love and I don't have much left of it for myself. I am finding it difficult to find the strength to say no to invites and requests and have been heading out of the house more often than I would like to do things that I don't so much want to. My mind is busy, my body is aching and all I really want to do is spend my days at home preparing for Christmas or at the beach enjoying the sunshine (which seems to be on hold for the meantime).

Come December, I try to have all of my Christmas shopping done so that I can spend the month firstly, by enjoying by birthday, and then secondly, by preparing for Christmas. With christmas crafting and baking, tree trimming and wrapping. I have done all of my shopping this year but I am still finding that my time is not free to do with as I please. 

My Birthday has been and gone and my mind was so busy that my emotions were out of control and unbearable. I found myself to be upset and not enjoying my weekend at all. Then, come the end of the weekend, I come down with a gastro bug. It was as though my body and the universe were telling me, enough is enough. Stay home, look after yourself and be gentle. So that is what I have done. I have been at home. I have moved slowly. I started my Christmas wrapping and written my shopping list and I am trying to reset my emotions and my mind. There are two weeks to go until Christmas and I want to take these next two weeks slowly. I want them to be about me and my family.

On Monday night, Anthony and I worried that I was in labour and I found myself in the hospital for a few hours being monitored. This gastro has really taken its toll on my body and on Jelly. My whole tummy was tensing and I was in horrible pain but according to the machine these were not contractions, just bad tummy pains. My mind raced about having a baby at 26 weeks old, the survival rate, the dangers, the risks. I was terrified and it has taken me a few days to be able to regather myself and find the strength to believe that everything is ok. 

I still do not have the words to be able to write this post as I would have liked but we are now closing in on another week and before I know it would be 27 weeks so I just had to get something out. I did not have the time to take photos this week as on the day I normally would do so, I was being monitored. 

So, Jelly, I give you this. A stressed and emotional dribble of words. I apologise that it isnt more but know that it is what it is because I love you and the thought of losing you or bringing you into the world before your time, introducing you to pain, freaks me out. It is unimaginable. So bear with me. Next week, I will be calm again. But for now, I am just a Mama worried about her baby... about you. My baby.

Its you and me babe... together we will conquer all

Goodnight Baby

Last night as I was laying you down to sleep I realised just how precious these moments are and that they will slip by us in no time at all. I had to stop myself from feeling sad at the thought that this won't last forever and remind myself to remember that very moment. Before I gave you your final goodnight kiss I dashed out to get the camera so that I could capture you forever, at 20 months old, with your bed buddies and your smile and your sleepy eyes. 

Bedtime is one of my favourite parts of the day, not because you are going to sleep (by my bedtime I actually miss you and always come and see you for a quick cuddle and kiss), but because of the time we share and the bonding we do and the love that we show. You are at your most affectionate right before bed and in those moments I can see the love pouring out of you. It is in the way that you look at me and in the way you hold yourself close. It is in the kisses you give and it lines your sleepy little smile. Your love is so pure, unvarnished from the world. It is unconditional and I know it is forever mine.

Each night before you go to bed, we change in the lounge room and watch you try to put yourself inside your sleepy suit. We collect your bed buddies - Mr. Rabby, Bunny, Giraffe, Owl the music, little ted, piggy and your pink fluffy blanket. Then you take us by the hand and we all walk down the hallway to your room where we throw your buddies into bed, one by one, and giggle at the way they land. You put your hands in the air and say up.

Last night Daddy picked you up and you placed your wee little head on his shoulder and wrapped your arms around his neck and patted him on the bed. You then reached your little arm out to me and pulled me in close, put one arm around my neck and the other around your Daddy's and placed your head between ours. My family, having a family cuddle, requested by you. My heart skipped a beat! I stood there and melted. 

You pulled back and gave me a kiss. Your Dad a kiss. Me again. Dad again. Then you laughed at how silly you were being and so we all laughed with you. Daddy passed you to me to lay you in bed, we kissed each one of your bed buddies goodnight and put them in place.

You said 'bauble please', I gave it to you and began to drink waving goodnight to your Daddy and I. 

I stopped at the door to look at you just a minute longer because I know this phase will soon pass and I want to remember these moments for as long as I can. You are the most precious little baby and I love watching you grow but I will miss seeing you so small too.

Dear 20 Month Old You...

On Monday this week you were 20 months old... 20 months feels like such a huge milestone. No longer a baby but not yet a two year old. I cannot believe my eyes, watching you grow, learn and develop. Every day you amaze me with a new word or capability and every day I bust with pride that you are mine and that I am lucky enough to be raising you.

You are such a beautiful soul, I say it every month but every month you show me just how kind and gentle and caring you really are. It is my role as your Mother to nourish and encourage that characteristic in you, making sure that you never lose your heart and soul. At such a young age it not a concern of mine but I do worry that as you grow your desire to love the world and everyone in it may falter. I am trying to find a way to keep that trust live within you while teaching you about personal safety. I do not ever want you to lose your faith in people and the world, it is a beautiful faith to have and watching it shine within you reminds me to look for my own again.

You were born a true girl, so petite and soft and gentle. Your natural instinct is to play with the dolls, patting them on the back and placing them in their cots. You hold your friends hands and brush their hair when they are sad. You cuddle and kiss everyone you meet. I can already see that maternal instinct in you and I just know you will become the most beautiful big Sister and, in many years to come, the most wonderful Mother.

You are surrounded by little boyfriends so as much as you are a girl, you are also a tom boy. Kicking balls, playing rough and tumble, digging in the dirt. You will give anything a try and have no fear of being hurt or failing. I love watching that within you, because that is what Mummy was as a child. I am learning to encourage both sides of your gender. Trying to nurture the girl in you while encouraging the inner tom boy to come out and play. I imagine a life full of fairies and pink, balls and scraped knees and that is a life I couldn't even dream of.

You are my little beach baby, on any day, in any mood, being on the beach will instantly bring a smile to your face and your bad mood will disappear. Covered in sand and wet clothes you will run the length of the beach chasing the waves and digging holes. You are always happiest by the sea. Mummy is always happiest by the sea too. And I am so very happy that you and I can connect over something so precious and important to me. Your Daddy could not be any more proud and is dreaming of the day he can put you on a surf board. 

You are becoming bossy, dragging Mummy and Daddy and any of your friends from one place to another by the hand. You love to share your games and books and adventures with all of us and we love to join in and play with you too. 

You are becoming more and more vocal, learning new words every day and it is such a thrill! But, there is no sound I love more, than when you call my name... Mama... my heart truly melts and I often find myself with tears in my eyes and goosebumps on my skin. It is the most beautiful sound in the world. 

Being your Mama is the most precious gift I have ever been given and I will cherish it each and every day. We will have our moments, some of them will be bad and I will let you down, but just know that I loved you before you were born and I will love you until the very end. Nothing will ever take that away from us and there is nothing you can ever do that will question the strength of my love. I want you to know that you will always be my baby girl and there will always be a place for you in my heart. I spend my days now fighting to be the best possible version of myself so that I can give you the best possible Mother. 

You are my world Evelyn... and in return for all that you have given me I want to give you the world

I love you

The Bump ~ 25 Weeks

This last week has felt like two weeks in one, time has really moved by so very slowly. All through the week I was being prepared for a heat wave that was due to hit on the very day we were to set up for our very first camping trip and I was stressed to say the very least! The idea of being 25 weeks pregnant with a toddler in 42 degree heat and in a tent, was not at ALL appealing. So my emotions and stress levels were running at all time high.

My mind was completely full of 'how on earth am I going to survive this' that I just did not have the time to focus on anything other. We went along to the camping trip and all in all, it was relatively successful. But that is a story for another time.

We decided to come home a day early and spend our last day together at our local beach and enjoy the beautiful day that we were delivered. There was not a wave in the ocean and barely a cloud in the sky and we were all just so happy to be home and together.

As I lay on the beach watching Anthony and Evelyn building sandcastles together, Jelly gave me a great reminder that they are with us and already a part of our family. Baby started moving and kicking my tummy so hard that we all stopped to watched. It was such a beautiful moment to be able to share with my family. Surrounded by the beauty of our home and the love of our family, our baby to be showed us that they are already an integral part to our family.

With my birthday coming up at the end of the week and Christmas just around the corner I am so truly excited to be in the place that I am in with the people I am with. My family are my all. They give me all the love and happiness that my dreams are made of and I am just so very proud that we have created us.

Jelly we all love you already and cant wait until you are more than a movement within my tummy. Only 15 weeks to go... I cannot believe it!

Its you and me babe, in time we will be building sandcastles together too

How to make your own ~ Personalised Christmas Baubles

Growing up we never truly had a Christmas tradition. Each year was spent somewhere new, wether it require a 4 hour drive or wether it be around the corner. Always with other people and never at our own home. Some years we would wake up else where and other years we would wake up at home. But we did have one thing that we did every year, we waited until after my Birthday (Dec 7th) much to the dismay of my siblings, to decorate our home. And when we did decorate we would play the Christmas Carols and we would spend all night topping the tree of baubles and tinsel, hanging garlands around the house, emptying our Christmas box of magic to be strewn through out the bedrooms. Yesterday I mention a very special Christmas job that I had every year, today I want to tell you about the family baubles that we each hang.

We would wait for everything else to be complete and then we would each select our own baubles with our own names on them from the special box and place them on the tree. All fighting for the prime position!

Ever since I owned my own tree I have been looking for a place that would recreate those personalised baubles but have found anywhere that is quite as nice. So... I decided to tackle this one on my own!

Here is my how to guide!

What you will need:
1 bauble per family member 
(I chose mine from bed, bath and table for $5.99 each)
Glitter of your choice
(I used silver and metallic white)
PVC glue
A skewer
String to hang the baubles
(mine came with them)

How to make:
Lay a towel over your workspace to collect all the fallen glitter dust
Fill a bowl with your glitter
Squeeze some PVC glue out on to a mat for easy dipping and dip your skewer into the glue, begin to write your name, quite thickly so that you can get a good coverage of glitter
Once you have finished writing your names put your bauble in the bowl and cover the glue with the glitter
Let the glue dry for 24 hours

**I made these at home alone so was unable to take any photos of the process***