Happy One Year ~ My Heart, Your Home

My Heart, Your Home turned 1 on August 11th and I totally missed it! I had grand dreams to put together a collaborative giveaway to celebrate the year that was. But, the reality is, that life with a refluxy baby has been somewhat busy and distracted. So I just plain forgot about the giveaway and the blogiversary all together.

So, instead, I will celebrate merely by just saying - Happy One Year - My Heart, Your Home. It has been fun, revealing, therapeutic, rewarding, exhausting and fulfilling. I am proud of the words I have shared and the connections I have made. I feel like I have a very heavily engaged community here and I value each and every one of you who reads, makes comments and shares your stories in return. Some of you had made me cry, some have made me laugh and some have warmed my heart. 

I love that you have gotten to know me and my family. That you share a love for our lives, for my daughters. I love that I am getting to know you and that we are building a supportive, loving and safe place to share our stories and words. 

This blog started as a place to record my days with my children. A place that I can bring them to in the future to remember our lives together. But it has become so much more than that now. It is now a place of friendship and encouragement, a place of love and support, a place of advice and help.

I cannot thank you enough for making the last 12 months what they are. For supporting me through out my pregnancy with Zalia and onwards through our reflux and sleep deprivation journey. I want to thank you for you love of both of my girls, for your kind words. Thank you for shining light into my life when my days were feeling dark. Thank you for instilling confidence and courage within me. Thank you for all of your kindness and support. Thank you for letting me share our story with you.

You, and me, have made this place a very special place that I love and treasure and look forward to coming to. Coming here is like coming home to a group of loving friends. Thank you for giving me a village.

All my love and light,

Jess

(Evelyn & Zalia)

xx

You are FIVE months old

I know I have said it before but time with you just seems to be flying by. I am shocked that five months has gone by and that you are no longer a newborn but an infant. It has been some of the most joyful and amazing months of my life, but also some of the most challenging. You have the personality of one of the happiest little babies I have ever met, but the body of a very unhappy child. It tears me a part to watch you fight your reflux to find your happiness and I just wish I could take it away for you so that you could just be you.

Over the last four weeks you have been very communicative. You have told us that it is time for food, even though I wasn't particularly ready. You took the chicken from my roll, the spaghetti bolognese from my fork. So at 5 months old you are established on two full meals a day. You refuse to eat the baby cereal like most babies your age but rather, choose the pieces of meat to chomp and chew. It has been incredible and astounding to watch you navigate your way around real food. 

I had hoped that this would help you sleep, and in turn help me sleep. But you are still up multiple times a night. You still will not sleep through out the day. I have grown to accept this though and am becoming accustomed to the lack of sleep and having to juggle two babies through out the day without day naps. I am sure that you and Evelyn have just decided to slowly torture me into madness.

You have started to kiss me back. I lean in to you and pucker my lips and make kisses noises and your entire face breaks out in the most beautiful gummy smile, then you turn my head and you plant your big drooly mouth right on to the side of my face. Then you giggle and smile and coo. Your kisses, are my favourite type of kisses. Full of enthusiasm and laughter. 

You are just so beautifully loving, you love me and your Daddy and your sister with every single little fibre in your tiny body. You want to be with us, all the time. You watch us with your big brown eyes. They are sad when you can not see us but they light up when you can. Your entire body picks up when we talk to you. 

You still have moments of pure pain and torture. On those days, you scream, for hours. And I am weak. I cry, I sob, I heave. I just can't handle seeing you in so much pain. I can't handle the hours on hours of screaming. I want to make it better for you and I want to make it better for me. In these moments I feel like I am letting you down, like I don't have enough patience. I wish away the minutes, the hours, until you will stop screaming and then I kick myself for wishing away your life. I want you to know that I am not wishing away your life for the sake of wanting it over, I am wishing it away for the sake of I know one day your little system will be mature enough to handle itself. I want that day to come so that I can see your personality shine through. I want to see your happiness. I want you to enjoy life, I want to be able to enjoy you enjoying life.

I love you dear Zali Bear, to the absolute end of the world. You have made our lives fuller and brighter with your gummy smiles and your old man chuckle. With your unconditional love for all of us and you strength.

Love Always,
Your very devoted Mumma
x

Finding my identity

Having small children can often make you feel like you have lost your identity. That you have been swallowed up by the titles that you now reign - Mother, Wife, Friend. I have been engulfed by the expectations of a stay at home Mum, put upon me by no-one other than myself. My days have been full of repetitive routine, day in and day out, all the same. Days are folding onto one another and my sense of self has been feeling lost. Where has 'Jess' gone? Who is she, anyway?

I know that I want to be a person that my children can be proud of. Not only as their Mother, but as an individual separate from them. Lately I haven't been feeling like that is something I can offer them. My lust for life has been relatively low, I have just been getting through each day rather than living them. My self worth is low, a result of not taking the time to remember me. My motivation and goals near non existent. 

Over the past few weeks I have been stopping and taking stock of my life and what it is that I want to gain from it. With the help of a professional to talk to, I have been assessing myself, as a Mother, a friend, a partner and in doing so I have come to some revealing conclusions about myself. In trying to find a better understanding of myself and the feelings I hold, I have opened up a whole new world and am now able to move forward in life knowing myself just that little bit better.

I have always viewed myself as a shy person, but knew that as a young child I wasn't shy. Somewhere along the way I learnt to be. I learnt to be embarrassed and unsure of myself. When i am meeting new people I question everything I am saying, I fall over myself and I can't think straight. I embarrass easily and always feel like people are laughing at me. Growing up, I used to watch my siblings be able to hold the attention of others, they were amazing story tellers, they would hold you captive, waiting for the next line. Then when I began to speak the interest would drop and attention was focused else where. I think in those moments I was learning that what I had to say was not worth the time of anyone else. Moments in our childhood as small as being laughed at or not listened to really can have such a momentous impact on our adult hood.

For as long as I can remember I have always felt like I do not have much to offer to friends or partners. That I was somewhat boring and the only way that I can make a friend and build that friendship is by doing things for that person. Always offering them things, my time, my energy. I have always thought that the minute I stop doing these things that the friendship would cease. That I am not likeable, just as myself. It is a very draining and tiring way to maintain relationships and is obviously a very unhealthy way to live.I am working out that if any person only wants me in their life because of this reason, then they are no friend of mine. I am learning that I am actually okay, just as I am. I do not have to convince people to like me. I still love to do and give to people, that is not really going to change. But what I need to learn to change is the reasons I do these things.

I am trying to better myself as a person, trying to understand myself and my passions, dreams and desires so that I can be a better version of myself, as Jess, as Mummy and as a lover. I have been feeling so trapped within my own body and my own life that I had started to forget what brings me joy. While stopping and thinking about my life in this way I am teaching myself how to make myself happy, rather than waiting for happiness to find me. I have set myself some goals, decided on a course of study and a future career path which I have been passionate about for years. I am taking myself out of my comfort zone. I am focusing time and energy on myself by leaving the house on my own more often, exercising and generally be more selfish. 

In the last two weeks I have found that my overall happiness and motivation is increasing by the day. I am excited about my future, as a woman, not just a Mother. This task has been revealing and confronting and empowering. I look forward to building on myself and am excited about the type of person I can become with this new found insight.

I will make, not only my children, but myself proud.

33/52

Evelyn: I've said it once, I'll say it again, you are most happy by the sea

Zalia: I can see the woman you are going to become

                                                      

 

Our family photo shoot

**This is by no means a sponsored post, I paid full price for our photo shoot, I just wanted to share them with you**

When Evelyn was a young baby we went and had some "professional photos" taken at a high turnover type studio and I was so truly disappointed with them. Every time I think about it, it breaks my heart that we don't have any decent photos of her as a baby. So, when I fell pregnant I was determined to find a photographer come and actually capture our baby and the essence of our family.

When I was at a girlfriends place and saw the photos of her and her baby son I was flawed by the natural, lifestyle appeal of the photos and asked for the details of her photographer. Turns out that the photographer was actually her friend and a working Mum, who was a reader of this here blog! So I contacted her through facebook and asked if she would be able to come out and photograph my family once "Jelly" had arrived.

At four weeks old, this beautiful girl named Krystle turned up on my doorstep. I was a nervous wreck, did we all look okay? Was the house tidy enough? Would Evelyn warm up to her and behave? I opened the door, a bundle of nerves and she just smiled. She was warm and lovely and beautiful and friendly. 

I am not sure if she noticed the house, or the fact that Evelyn and I weren't wearing shoes. Evelyn was her best friend in moments and before I knew it we were being photographed. But we weren't. But we were. She was so easy and comfortable and she made this awkward and shy family feel right at ease in her presence.

So here are a few photos of my family

Krystle runs KE Photography is based in Sydney and I highly recommend her, she is warm and gentle and just so easy to work with. 

32/52

Evelyn: My beautiful angel, fairy princess. On this particular day you were teased for the very first time. You held yourself tall and did not react, Mummy was so proud of you!

Zalia: Fascinated by life, soaking it all in with a smile on your face and joy in your body. You are just so beautiful

Dear Evelyn

"You are two years and four months old.
Your favourite tv shows are Peppa Pig, Dora and Raa Raa.

Your favourite toys are still your beloved Mr Rabbie, your blocks and your bike.

You are toilet training, on your own accord, and doing amazingly well. We are so proud of you.

Your talking is incredible. 

You can count to 6 without confusion, but know all the numbers up to 10. 

You know all of your colours and lots of shapes.

Your favourite foods are strawberries, spaghetti bolognese and tuna mornay."

You make me so incredibly proud my dear Evelyn Rose. On a daily basis you astound me with your smarts. You make me laugh with your humour. You warm me with your heart. You fill me up with so much joy and love and warmth. I have to be one of the luckiest I have ever been.

You have a beautifully warm and caring heart and every time you demonstrate this I am just amazed by how a two year old can care so much about the people around her. You are so aware of other peoples emotions, always giving a pat or a cuddle when someone is hurt. Asking if they are alright if they are sad. A kiss to make them feel better. You are full of empathy and compassion. 

I am so proud of you and the young girl you are becoming. Always know that you will make me proud with whatever you do and you will always have a home with me. I am so glad that you are mine.

I love you, darling girl

xx