You are FIVE months old

I know I have said it before but time with you just seems to be flying by. I am shocked that five months has gone by and that you are no longer a newborn but an infant. It has been some of the most joyful and amazing months of my life, but also some of the most challenging. You have the personality of one of the happiest little babies I have ever met, but the body of a very unhappy child. It tears me a part to watch you fight your reflux to find your happiness and I just wish I could take it away for you so that you could just be you.

Over the last four weeks you have been very communicative. You have told us that it is time for food, even though I wasn't particularly ready. You took the chicken from my roll, the spaghetti bolognese from my fork. So at 5 months old you are established on two full meals a day. You refuse to eat the baby cereal like most babies your age but rather, choose the pieces of meat to chomp and chew. It has been incredible and astounding to watch you navigate your way around real food. 

I had hoped that this would help you sleep, and in turn help me sleep. But you are still up multiple times a night. You still will not sleep through out the day. I have grown to accept this though and am becoming accustomed to the lack of sleep and having to juggle two babies through out the day without day naps. I am sure that you and Evelyn have just decided to slowly torture me into madness.

You have started to kiss me back. I lean in to you and pucker my lips and make kisses noises and your entire face breaks out in the most beautiful gummy smile, then you turn my head and you plant your big drooly mouth right on to the side of my face. Then you giggle and smile and coo. Your kisses, are my favourite type of kisses. Full of enthusiasm and laughter. 

You are just so beautifully loving, you love me and your Daddy and your sister with every single little fibre in your tiny body. You want to be with us, all the time. You watch us with your big brown eyes. They are sad when you can not see us but they light up when you can. Your entire body picks up when we talk to you. 

You still have moments of pure pain and torture. On those days, you scream, for hours. And I am weak. I cry, I sob, I heave. I just can't handle seeing you in so much pain. I can't handle the hours on hours of screaming. I want to make it better for you and I want to make it better for me. In these moments I feel like I am letting you down, like I don't have enough patience. I wish away the minutes, the hours, until you will stop screaming and then I kick myself for wishing away your life. I want you to know that I am not wishing away your life for the sake of wanting it over, I am wishing it away for the sake of I know one day your little system will be mature enough to handle itself. I want that day to come so that I can see your personality shine through. I want to see your happiness. I want you to enjoy life, I want to be able to enjoy you enjoying life.

I love you dear Zali Bear, to the absolute end of the world. You have made our lives fuller and brighter with your gummy smiles and your old man chuckle. With your unconditional love for all of us and you strength.

Love Always,
Your very devoted Mumma
x