I know that I want to be a person that my children can be proud of. Not only as their Mother, but as an individual separate from them. Lately I haven't been feeling like that is something I can offer them. My lust for life has been relatively low, I have just been getting through each day rather than living them. My self worth is low, a result of not taking the time to remember me. My motivation and goals near non existent.
Over the past few weeks I have been stopping and taking stock of my life and what it is that I want to gain from it. With the help of a professional to talk to, I have been assessing myself, as a Mother, a friend, a partner and in doing so I have come to some revealing conclusions about myself. In trying to find a better understanding of myself and the feelings I hold, I have opened up a whole new world and am now able to move forward in life knowing myself just that little bit better.
I have always viewed myself as a shy person, but knew that as a young child I wasn't shy. Somewhere along the way I learnt to be. I learnt to be embarrassed and unsure of myself. When i am meeting new people I question everything I am saying, I fall over myself and I can't think straight. I embarrass easily and always feel like people are laughing at me. Growing up, I used to watch my siblings be able to hold the attention of others, they were amazing story tellers, they would hold you captive, waiting for the next line. Then when I began to speak the interest would drop and attention was focused else where. I think in those moments I was learning that what I had to say was not worth the time of anyone else. Moments in our childhood as small as being laughed at or not listened to really can have such a momentous impact on our adult hood.
For as long as I can remember I have always felt like I do not have much to offer to friends or partners. That I was somewhat boring and the only way that I can make a friend and build that friendship is by doing things for that person. Always offering them things, my time, my energy. I have always thought that the minute I stop doing these things that the friendship would cease. That I am not likeable, just as myself. It is a very draining and tiring way to maintain relationships and is obviously a very unhealthy way to live.I am working out that if any person only wants me in their life because of this reason, then they are no friend of mine. I am learning that I am actually okay, just as I am. I do not have to convince people to like me. I still love to do and give to people, that is not really going to change. But what I need to learn to change is the reasons I do these things.
I am trying to better myself as a person, trying to understand myself and my passions, dreams and desires so that I can be a better version of myself, as Jess, as Mummy and as a lover. I have been feeling so trapped within my own body and my own life that I had started to forget what brings me joy. While stopping and thinking about my life in this way I am teaching myself how to make myself happy, rather than waiting for happiness to find me. I have set myself some goals, decided on a course of study and a future career path which I have been passionate about for years. I am taking myself out of my comfort zone. I am focusing time and energy on myself by leaving the house on my own more often, exercising and generally be more selfish.
In the last two weeks I have found that my overall happiness and motivation is increasing by the day. I am excited about my future, as a woman, not just a Mother. This task has been revealing and confronting and empowering. I look forward to building on myself and am excited about the type of person I can become with this new found insight.
I will make, not only my children, but myself proud.
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