My Heart, Your Home: Finding my identity   

Monday, 19 August 2013

Finding my identity

Having small children can often make you feel like you have lost your identity. That you have been swallowed up by the titles that you now reign - Mother, Wife, Friend. I have been engulfed by the expectations of a stay at home Mum, put upon me by no-one other than myself. My days have been full of repetitive routine, day in and day out, all the same. Days are folding onto one another and my sense of self has been feeling lost. Where has 'Jess' gone? Who is she, anyway?

I know that I want to be a person that my children can be proud of. Not only as their Mother, but as an individual separate from them. Lately I haven't been feeling like that is something I can offer them. My lust for life has been relatively low, I have just been getting through each day rather than living them. My self worth is low, a result of not taking the time to remember me. My motivation and goals near non existent. 

Over the past few weeks I have been stopping and taking stock of my life and what it is that I want to gain from it. With the help of a professional to talk to, I have been assessing myself, as a Mother, a friend, a partner and in doing so I have come to some revealing conclusions about myself. In trying to find a better understanding of myself and the feelings I hold, I have opened up a whole new world and am now able to move forward in life knowing myself just that little bit better.

I have always viewed myself as a shy person, but knew that as a young child I wasn't shy. Somewhere along the way I learnt to be. I learnt to be embarrassed and unsure of myself. When i am meeting new people I question everything I am saying, I fall over myself and I can't think straight. I embarrass easily and always feel like people are laughing at me. Growing up, I used to watch my siblings be able to hold the attention of others, they were amazing story tellers, they would hold you captive, waiting for the next line. Then when I began to speak the interest would drop and attention was focused else where. I think in those moments I was learning that what I had to say was not worth the time of anyone else. Moments in our childhood as small as being laughed at or not listened to really can have such a momentous impact on our adult hood.

For as long as I can remember I have always felt like I do not have much to offer to friends or partners. That I was somewhat boring and the only way that I can make a friend and build that friendship is by doing things for that person. Always offering them things, my time, my energy. I have always thought that the minute I stop doing these things that the friendship would cease. That I am not likeable, just as myself. It is a very draining and tiring way to maintain relationships and is obviously a very unhealthy way to live.I am working out that if any person only wants me in their life because of this reason, then they are no friend of mine. I am learning that I am actually okay, just as I am. I do not have to convince people to like me. I still love to do and give to people, that is not really going to change. But what I need to learn to change is the reasons I do these things.

I am trying to better myself as a person, trying to understand myself and my passions, dreams and desires so that I can be a better version of myself, as Jess, as Mummy and as a lover. I have been feeling so trapped within my own body and my own life that I had started to forget what brings me joy. While stopping and thinking about my life in this way I am teaching myself how to make myself happy, rather than waiting for happiness to find me. I have set myself some goals, decided on a course of study and a future career path which I have been passionate about for years. I am taking myself out of my comfort zone. I am focusing time and energy on myself by leaving the house on my own more often, exercising and generally be more selfish. 

In the last two weeks I have found that my overall happiness and motivation is increasing by the day. I am excited about my future, as a woman, not just a Mother. This task has been revealing and confronting and empowering. I look forward to building on myself and am excited about the type of person I can become with this new found insight.

I will make, not only my children, but myself proud.

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