He's my Valentine

 After months of flirting and interest and courting, Anthony and I finally went on our first accidental date. We met at the Deck for a beer, a beer turned into many and many turned into dinner and a bottle of wine. We talked, we laughed. I had butterflies and blushed my shyness and excitement all over my face. As the restaurant packed up around us and the night was closing to an end, I couldn't help but feel a sense of disappointment. I knew he felt it too as he went on to say he had wine at home, just up the street. We walked, we talked and we laughed some more. We sat on his lounge until the wee hours of the morning just... connecting.

On that night I knew that I wanted more. I wanted him. It took us another six weeks to propose another date. A dinner at Stella Blu. I remember that night, second by second. I remember it because that was night that my knight in shining armour swept me up in his arms, his smell, his heart and whisked me away. Forever spoiled by the man that is he. That night was the night that my life changed, forever more. 

Five years later, two beautiful children, one lost soul and another making its way to us. A bank of wonderful memories that incite warmth and love. A trail of heart ache but a quest for everlasting happiness. We have a love that ebb's and flow's but never falters. We have a love that is stronger today than it was yesterday. It is a love that we have both worked extremely hard for, a love that at times I didn't believe was enough, but today I know is all I need. 

Anthony has made the most wonderful Father to our children. He is involved and loving. He is soft, gentle and caring. His heart has grown in a way that still suprises me. He walks in the door at the end of his day, I watch the faces of my Daughters light up in delight, then I look at Anthony and I see that the excitement in him to see his Daughters is greater than any. He loves his family unconditionally and there has never been any doubt within him that this, here, is where he belongs. 

He is the most incredible, supporting and encouraging partner. Over the past year while I have struggled, through my tears and heart ache, through my loss of self, Anthony has been right by my side. He has committed himself entirely to holding my hand through some of the hardest moments of my life. He has loved me, completely. He has carried me when I couldn't walk and while I pick myself up he cheers me on. He is proud of me and my achievements. I can see it in his face.

Over the last year Anthony has been more than just a working Father. He has come home everyday, after the hardest year of HIS life at work, and he picks up at home so that I can rest or go to appointments or recover. He has cooked dinner every night since Zalia has been born. He helps with every bath and every goodnight kiss, every hurt and every cry. He has stepped in and been for our children what I have been incapable of doing. I have been embarrassed by this in the past, embarrassed that I haven't been enough. But lately I have realised that I am proud. Proud that I have a man that see's the situation for what it is worth and does everything in his power to help me. I am proud of you, Anthony.

He has been strong and capable and loving and gentle and completely understanding. Not once has he complained, ever. As I have become better and have began to commit myself to the household more, he has thanked me. Thanked me! He notices every little thing I do, but doesn't notice any thing that I don't do. 

Anthony, you are an incredible man. I knew from the moment I first laid eyes on you that you were a man that I needed to know. I knew because you have the most beautifully kind eyes and your eyes have never lied to me. In your eyes I can see strength in love, I can see a family man, I can see a loyal friend and partner. In your eyes I see your humour, your generosity, your humility. Most importantly in your eyes I see you. I love your eyes and everything they tell me and I love you so unbelievably intensely that sometimes he wakes me in the middle of the night. Some times I wake and just need to touch you just so I can feel that you love me too. 

You have given me courage and strength, you have given me time and space, to become the best version of myself. I cannot begin to explain to you how important this last year has been for me and how important your role has been. I am completely grateful and will always, always be grateful for the power you have given me.

Together we have become the family that I always dreamed of having. We are a team. We are best friends. You make me laugh, smile and feel safe. You make me smile from the inside out. You make me so very proud. You are the Father that I always dreamed of giving to my children and you are the only partner I have ever wanted for myself.

You are my valentine and I love you
xxx

Boo Boo ~ 19 weeks

If I look tired and unimpressed, that would be because I am, in a major way. Yesterday I spent the afternoon sitting on the ground with the girls watching their Daddy playing cricket and today I have been barely able to stand or walk. I have been in a world of pain but I am hoping that tonight will bring a full nights sleep and tomorrow, a better day.

I cannot be grateful enough that besides this hiccup, the pregnancy has been truly easy. They say that boys are much more gentle on their Mothers baby, so far, I would completely agree. I have had headaches, sure, but no where near as bad as Zalia's. I was morning sick, sure, but not nearly as long or as bad as Evelyn's. My hair is healthy, my skin is clear, my body is strong. This boy is loving is Mummy already.

This last week we obviously had our scan where we were told that BooBoo is a boy. I can't truly describe the feelings I felt at the time as they were extremely overwhelming. But I can say that I was elated. I squealed and turned to Anthony and I cried. We embraced each other and kissed and I believe that in that moment we both felt complete. Like we knew that this was moment was the beginning of the rest of our lives. 

Anthony is ecstatic to know he will be having a Son. His dreams of playing cricket and rugby with his boy were filled in that one instant. Dreams of teaching his boy the secrets of men. Passing down his name. That manly bond. All the things that every man secretly desires. His love of his girls will never falter, or never differ, but now he gets to experience the bond between man and son. Like I experience Woman and Daughter. 

My dreams of seeing what our little boy will look like will be fulfilled. Experiencing that unwavering love and admiration a Son has for his Mother. Seeing the difference between my Daughters and my Son, girls and boys. Dreams of experiencing both sides of the gender wheel, having both sides of the conversation of life. Watching my Son grow to marry his wife, treat her like I have taught him teach a woman. Shaping him to be soft, gentle, caring, empathetic and respectful. The type of man his Father is. 

While we both would have been just as fullfilled with another Daughter, the moment we found out we were having a Son was just... different. Nerve racking, exciting, confusing, overwhelming and simply amazing.

Going into the scan I was concerned that there may have been an issue with BooBoo as my body hasn't grown as much as it had with Zalia. I was worried that he might not have been growing and gaining weight. But he is perfectly healthy and is measuring a few days behind date, but completely normal. 

This week has been filled with nothing other than preparing to move out the baby pinks and move in the baby blues. Thinking about boys names. Imagining the shift in the atmosphere in our home. Dreaming of the love between Sisters and Brother. Dreaming of matchbox cars, soccer balls and diggers. It has been a week of changing the dreams of my future for this sweet child, from a future of building a woman and her self image and confidence, to building a man with dignity and respect. 

I am filled with delight

Surviving

The last ten months of my life, the first ten months of Zalia's, has been a long and hard road to self discovery. While I watched her tiny little body writhe and scream in pain, I could feel my soul being tortured by the pain of hers. While I fought to make life easier for her, I forgot to fight for myself and so I slowly, but surely, drifted away. 

I became someone that I did not recognise, with thoughts that felt like nightmares. My body ached in a loneliness that I cannot begin to describe. My heart would constrict and I felt suffocated by my own body. My mind was no longer my own. My feelings towards the people I love changed, my view on life was obscured and my belief in myself was non-existent. Whilst my mind became warped by the exhaustion I was suffering, my past began to haunt me. 

My entire life I have always apologised for not being good enough, for being too boring, for being shy. I apologised for not being more like other people, for not knowing how to make people happy, for being a constant disappointment. Through all those years of doubting myself and apologising for my person I was very rarely corrected, comforted or relieved. These thoughts, this low self image that I carried, started to leak into my Mothering and I felt stripped of any abilities I once believed I had as a Mother.

I have only said these words out loud to my psychologist, but I am at a point in my recovery now where I feel like it is time to bare bones, show my skeletons. I would have days, in my darkest days, where I would walk up and down the roads aimlessly and I would daydream about admitting myself to hospital. Just to escape, to press pause, to take a leave of absence. From my body, my home, my life... mostly, from my thoughts. I wanted so desperately to be away from the self loathing, the self doubt, the hate. 

I do not suffer from post natal depression, but I do suffer from depression. I have, on and off, since I was a teenager. In amongst this depression that comes and goes, like waves upon the shore, I had taught myself that I was of no worth. I have suffered desperate depression, which flared up to its absolute worst after Zalia was born. Not because of her birth, or her life, or presence, but because of the five months worth of two hours of a sleep a night... every night. The complete exhaustion. The utter desperation. There is something to be said for sleep deprivation, it is a powerful torture. I became delusional, erratic, dark and... different.

I am on the road to recovery. It has been a long and dark, twisty road. With lots of turns, forks and surprises. The thing about depression is that only you can make it better, with the help and assistance of people who are qualified. With my hand being held, I have fought my way to the top and I am looking back thinking phew. 

Along the road I have been able to discover myself and qualities that I never even knew I possessed. I am breaking all those self loathing thoughts and I have changed my entire view of myself. I have always believed I was shy, but over the past few months I have learnt that I am neither shy, nor unlikeable. I have been able to walk into a room of strangers and I have actually been able to find words. Not only find them, but speak them. I have opened my eyes and in doing so I have filled my life with the most incredible people. Friendships. Real friendships, where I no longer feel like I might be boring the person. Where I no longer question why they are sitting with me. 

I have been suffering depression, but it has opened doors, turned on lights and changed my life. I am a better person for it, I am a better partner to Anthony, I am a better Mother for my children and I am a friend. I am a better me. 

This post has been completely mixed up, random thoughts spat out, with no true point other than to say... I am a survivor. 

And you can be too

Boo Boo's future will contain...

Kicking balls, scuffed knees, slimey bugs and puppy dog tails.

A future of little brother, baby boy, my Son of Suns

Boo Boo ~ 18 Weeks

Last night, for the very first time, I felt Boo Boo kick through my tummy and reach my hand. So I quickly woke Anthony from his deep sleep and told him that baby was ready to talk to him and for the next 15 minutes, Anthony lay with his hand covering my tummy and Boo Boo kicked and bounced, rolled and turned. Letting us both know that baby is here and it is real and be ready. I went to sleep last night with a smile on my face and such excitement in my heart.

Today we get to go and see Boo Boo on the screen again, listen to baby's heart, watch them swim around within me. The ultrasounds are such stand out moments for me, within all of my pregnancies. They are moments that I wont ever forget. That very first moment you see your baby, the very first time you hear their heart beat or the moment when their gender is revealed. I find the ultrasounds so helpful in my journey to bond with the baby. To know that they are safe and healthy. A small little insight to what they may look like, the size they may be. It really is incredible. Today I get to have that moment, the moment where I hear the words - boy or girl. I am incredibly excited and unbelievably impatient. 

I am really having trouble focusing on anything else. The preparations for Evie's room to become the babies room (zalia and boo boo), Zalia's room to become Evie's room, they all hang in the balance. My dreams about raising three young women, or two women and a man. Will my future hold bugs and grubs and scabby knees? It will it involve another round of fairies and butterflies and curly long locks? 

18 weeks along, it only feels like a moment in time and in another moment I will be holding a little newborn in my arms. I still can barely believe just how unbelievably lucky we are to be carrying such a miracle. 

Our home is full of love and in time, it will explode with it. There will be giggles and big belly laughs, there will be fights and deep conversations. There will be life, oh beautiful life. I am truly blessed.

Truly 

You are TEN months old!

I haven't written to you for a long while, for many reasons, but mostly because I didn't quite know how to find the words to talk to you, to explain myself to you. Our start to life together was hard and we both suffered dramatically because it. I have been learning how to live with the guilt, this heavy feeling in my core that makes me believe I didn't give you enough. 

Over the past few months I have been taking some time away from writing here, away from any distractions and I have been focusing my time solely on you and your sister and myself. I have been working hard to make sure I can be the very best Mother I can possibly be for you both. I have been working hard at building a connection with you that wasn't tainted by your pain and your screaming and my guilt.

We have connected in a way I couldn't dream possible in the beginning. You are a beautifully happy, content and confident child. You beam with so much joy, it shines from within you. Your eyes are full of love and beauty and kindness and want. You want for so much attention. You want for big cuddles and you want for slopping kisses. You are fun and cheeky, you are wild and determined, you are loving and giving. You are my perfect little baby Daughter and I have just adored having you in my life, in my arms. You have made our household a happier one, you make your Sister crazy with love. You make your Daddy puff with pride and you make me melt with an overwhelming warmness. 

At 10 months old you have FINALLY cut your first tooth (just this morning to be exact), you have been crawling for just over a month, you high five and clap your hands. You have the best dance moves out of all of us. You are excitable, overjoyed and full of character. You are determined to walk, I watch you every day measuring your path up. Let go of your support and then fall to your bum. Only to pull yourself back up again.

Your eyes never leave Evelyn. The love that you hold for her is the most incredibly beautiful love I have ever witnessed. It is unconditional, in every single aspect of the word. You look up to her, you relish her attention, you truly adore her. She, out of all of us, is the one that can make you laugh the biggest belly laughs, smile the widest smiles. She adores you in the most intense way in return. She misses you while you sleep and races me to the door to see you first when you wake. She smothers you with cuddles and kisses. She tells me that you are her best friend... and you are. I hope that you will be forever and eternity.

You are going to be a big sister. You don't know yet, you don't understand it. But there is a baby growing in your Mummy's tummy. A little brother or sister for you to love and adore. For them to love and look up to you. You will be there to protect them, just like Evelyn is for you. I am so excited to give you this gift and I want you to know that I love you, equally. Don't ever fret. You, my dear, are loved.

I simply cannot believe that you have been with me for 10 months. You have been in my arms longer than you were growing within me. It has been the most magical 10 months. Challenging, but ever so rewarding. I wouldn't change a single moment. 

You are my darling Zsa Zsa and I love you ever so dearly.
My darling
xx

Boo Boo ~ 17 weeks

We found out that we were pregnant with this small bundle of miracle when I was nearly 10 weeks along. Having a third child was in our future, it was in our discussions and it was in our reach but it was not in our immediate plans. But life had another idea for us and our little family, life decided that we wouldn't be complete until this baby was with us. 

I will admit that on that first day I was completely shocked and doubted my readiness and my ability to be a Mother to another baby. But now, 17 weeks in, I know that this is what I was made to do. Other wise, this baby wouldn't be making its way here to us. I am beyond thrilled to be carrying another child, a child that is warming me from the inside, out. I feel content, blessed and incredibly happy.  

Pregnancy so far has been gentle and kind. I am suffering from the same migraines that I had while carrying Zalia, but I feel more capable. I feel strong and healthy. Mostly, I don't feel pregnant at all, I just feel... blissful.

Baby BooBoo is beginning to flutter within my tummy, just small, slight movements. Kicks that are feeling like bubbles popping, popcorn popping. My favourite feeling, the very early signs of life. The beginning of an incredible life, one that I have the blessing to carry along with me and finally bring earth side. It truly is the most magnificent gift, given to me, to give to Anthony and my girls. 

In just two short weeks we will be thrilled to find out the colour of this bundle, where we can begin to prepare, to bond the girls, to dream of a future of fairy princesses and sparkle lips or grubby knees and capturing bugs. 

Being pregnant is a miracle, one that has been delivered to us while we were least expecting it. We are proud of our family, we are ecstatic to grow and we are full of love and joy. 

17 weeks... Only 23 to go!