I have been noticing lately that my life is being drained of all positive energies and being filled up with negativity. I have been allowing the negative energy from other peoples life, leak into my own. I let my own life slip and it becomes full of other peoples attitudes and problems. I have been finding myself extremely unhappy, frustrated, anxious and stressed. Over what? Over the unhappiness, frustrations and stresses of another's life. My mind is full of all of this energy and it has begun to spill out of my body and into the way I tread on this earth.
I have been snappy at Anthony, at my children and at myself. I haven't been feeling myself, not even in the slightest. My energy and attention is being exerted in all the wrong areas of life, of the world. I am not seeing the good in people, I am not stopping and smelling the roses or the feeling of the sand in my toes. I am focused on what is wrong, what I have done wrong, what others have done wrong. I am letting life slip me by while I am busy being shirty. I am letting my children's life slip by while I am busy being busy.
This realisation came as a huge shock to me yesterday when I came home feeling frustrated and stressed after an incident where I did not feel well treated. I came home and I couldn't get the back door to unlock and I began to lose it. I started to curse at the door and then suddenly realised that I was allowing someone else's bad mood, cause my bad mood. I told Anthony that I need to clear my head before I lose the plot. I took a walk down to the beach where I took stock of my life. Slowed down and focused a little of that wasted energy back within myself.
Life is messy and if I let it, it will get on top of me. Lately I have been letting it. I need to make a concerted effort to change that. To put up barriers between me and this negative energy. I need to pause the negative conversations, turn them around into positives. I need to redirect all that energy back into my life in a positive light. I cannot allow my life to fill with so much frustration, when the frustrations, mostly, are not even my own.
I have decided that for the month of July, each night I am going to take a moment to sit and write about the things that make my life great. Every day I will find something to reflect on, something to be grateful for and allow my life to fill back up with light and love. My heart has been so heavy and dark for far too long. Rather than waiting for it to become lighter, I need to make it. Remove the weight, open the windows, let the air and the light flow through my soul. I have needed a mind makeover. Being sad is a choice, as is being happy.
I choose happiness.
I live a blessed life, but I have been too busy to even feel blessed. I live a simple and happy life and yet it has felt complicated and hard. I am full of motivation and ambition and desires and dreams, yet I have been living stagnant, waiting. Waiting for what? For life to begin? I have realised that life has already began and it is time to start living it. Start dreaming again, start doing, moving.
Today I am grateful for being present of mind.
Because in my presence yesterday I accepted that I am not being the best version of myself and it is time to start looking for the real me again. The happy, content, dreamy version of me. It is time to give myself the time and energy that I deserve. I have a lot to give when I am not letting the clouds hide my sunshine!
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