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Evelyn: When I look at you I see beauty greater than the sunrise

Zalia: Your smiling face is like coming home

One more scream...

I am not coping.

There, I said it. 
I have sat here for days trying to write this post. I fluff about avoiding those words, filling my paragraphs of stories and theories that do not actually confront the issue at hand. Then I delete it. Then I try again. Then I delete it. But I have decided today to just start with those words.

I am struggling.

Not only am I not coping, I am not coping with the fact that I am not coping. I wanted my family to grow so desperately and I love my family desperately and yet I sit here with a chest full of tension. A head full of fear. A heavy heart. How can it be possible to crave this, to love this and yet... resent this, somewhat? How totally hypocritical of me.

Five months ago I welcomed my second born Daughter, the second time in my life I have ever witnessed beauty such as hers. The second time in my life I have delivered into the world a being that I know will change the world. The second time in my life that my heart swelled with such magnitude that I could feel it bursting. Five months ago I was strong and capable and powerful. 

For the past five months I have tried to grasp those attributes as tight as humanly possible. The strength, the capability, the power. I want to be that woman. But she has slowly been slipping away from me and today I felt them disappear. I no longer feel capable, or strong or powerful. 

The last few weeks especially I have been questioning my ability as a Mother. I know I love my children, I adore them. They have made life something that I never could have dreamed it to be. But am I good enough for them? Am I strong enough to hold together through another scream? Another night? Am I powerful enough to pull us all through this?

The last several weeks I have felt my head aching with the tension, the hairs on my skin are standing on edge. My spine is riddled with the quivers and my chest is tight with anxiety. I am losing my breath and I am losing clarity. I am losing touch with my inner core, that safe place that I usually revert to when the world is spinning uncontrollably. My inner core is spinning even faster, I am dizzy.

Five months ago the most beautiful baby girl that ever possibly existed was born. She was born and placed into my arms. She looked at me with her big steely blue, soon to be deep brown eyes. Then she screamed and she hasn't stopped screaming. For five months I have listened to her in pain, I have watched her writhe and arch. I have watched her and I have been powerless. Her pain is my pain. For five months I have crumbled because I just cannot make it any better for her.

I cannot get her to sleep, I cannot get her to feed enough to satisfy her. We pass thrush back and forth between each other. My body becomes possessed by the infection that is mastitis. I cannot sleep. She screams and I cry. I beg for her to stop screaming. Then I beg her to forgive me. With every scream I can feel that little dial wind up a little more. With every scream I know my jack in a box is about to pop screaming and laughing at me. 

One more scream.

I am desperate to be the Mother to my children that they deserve. I am desperate to be able to withstand that scream. That scream that makes my skin crawl and my eyes fill with the heaviest tears. For five months I have felt each layer of strength be peeled away from me and I know I am down to my final layers.

Perhaps these final layers are the strongest? The most revealing? Perhaps these final layers are where my strength has been hiding. Because, today, when the screaming had not stopped for hours, when my baby had not slept since morning, when I had packed my children into the car, again, in search of some silence. I found myself just moments away from stopping the car and getting out just to find escape the noise. Yet, I chose, in that very moment, to stay and to do something different.

In that moment I decided that yes, I am not coping. I decided that it was time to say the words out loud. I can no longer keep this secret and I need help. In that moment, where my body was about to take over my mind I realised just how desperate I am. It is time. So today, I have requested the referral that Zalia's paediatrician has been pushing on to me and once I have that piece of paper I will be begging tresillian to take me.

Because we cannot survive like this. These final layers are my strongest but I will not let the last layer be peeled away. I will not watch myself crumble. 

It is time... time to pick myself up and give my children what they deserve. Time to find my capability again. My power. My strength. 

One more scream and I will still be here rocking, shushing, kissing, singing loving.
One more scream and I will still love you as fiercely as ever before.
One more scream, will not push me away

Happy One Year ~ My Heart, Your Home

My Heart, Your Home turned 1 on August 11th and I totally missed it! I had grand dreams to put together a collaborative giveaway to celebrate the year that was. But, the reality is, that life with a refluxy baby has been somewhat busy and distracted. So I just plain forgot about the giveaway and the blogiversary all together.

So, instead, I will celebrate merely by just saying - Happy One Year - My Heart, Your Home. It has been fun, revealing, therapeutic, rewarding, exhausting and fulfilling. I am proud of the words I have shared and the connections I have made. I feel like I have a very heavily engaged community here and I value each and every one of you who reads, makes comments and shares your stories in return. Some of you had made me cry, some have made me laugh and some have warmed my heart. 

I love that you have gotten to know me and my family. That you share a love for our lives, for my daughters. I love that I am getting to know you and that we are building a supportive, loving and safe place to share our stories and words. 

This blog started as a place to record my days with my children. A place that I can bring them to in the future to remember our lives together. But it has become so much more than that now. It is now a place of friendship and encouragement, a place of love and support, a place of advice and help.

I cannot thank you enough for making the last 12 months what they are. For supporting me through out my pregnancy with Zalia and onwards through our reflux and sleep deprivation journey. I want to thank you for you love of both of my girls, for your kind words. Thank you for shining light into my life when my days were feeling dark. Thank you for instilling confidence and courage within me. Thank you for all of your kindness and support. Thank you for letting me share our story with you.

You, and me, have made this place a very special place that I love and treasure and look forward to coming to. Coming here is like coming home to a group of loving friends. Thank you for giving me a village.

All my love and light,

Jess

(Evelyn & Zalia)

xx

You are FIVE months old

I know I have said it before but time with you just seems to be flying by. I am shocked that five months has gone by and that you are no longer a newborn but an infant. It has been some of the most joyful and amazing months of my life, but also some of the most challenging. You have the personality of one of the happiest little babies I have ever met, but the body of a very unhappy child. It tears me a part to watch you fight your reflux to find your happiness and I just wish I could take it away for you so that you could just be you.

Over the last four weeks you have been very communicative. You have told us that it is time for food, even though I wasn't particularly ready. You took the chicken from my roll, the spaghetti bolognese from my fork. So at 5 months old you are established on two full meals a day. You refuse to eat the baby cereal like most babies your age but rather, choose the pieces of meat to chomp and chew. It has been incredible and astounding to watch you navigate your way around real food. 

I had hoped that this would help you sleep, and in turn help me sleep. But you are still up multiple times a night. You still will not sleep through out the day. I have grown to accept this though and am becoming accustomed to the lack of sleep and having to juggle two babies through out the day without day naps. I am sure that you and Evelyn have just decided to slowly torture me into madness.

You have started to kiss me back. I lean in to you and pucker my lips and make kisses noises and your entire face breaks out in the most beautiful gummy smile, then you turn my head and you plant your big drooly mouth right on to the side of my face. Then you giggle and smile and coo. Your kisses, are my favourite type of kisses. Full of enthusiasm and laughter. 

You are just so beautifully loving, you love me and your Daddy and your sister with every single little fibre in your tiny body. You want to be with us, all the time. You watch us with your big brown eyes. They are sad when you can not see us but they light up when you can. Your entire body picks up when we talk to you. 

You still have moments of pure pain and torture. On those days, you scream, for hours. And I am weak. I cry, I sob, I heave. I just can't handle seeing you in so much pain. I can't handle the hours on hours of screaming. I want to make it better for you and I want to make it better for me. In these moments I feel like I am letting you down, like I don't have enough patience. I wish away the minutes, the hours, until you will stop screaming and then I kick myself for wishing away your life. I want you to know that I am not wishing away your life for the sake of wanting it over, I am wishing it away for the sake of I know one day your little system will be mature enough to handle itself. I want that day to come so that I can see your personality shine through. I want to see your happiness. I want you to enjoy life, I want to be able to enjoy you enjoying life.

I love you dear Zali Bear, to the absolute end of the world. You have made our lives fuller and brighter with your gummy smiles and your old man chuckle. With your unconditional love for all of us and you strength.

Love Always,
Your very devoted Mumma
x

Finding my identity

Having small children can often make you feel like you have lost your identity. That you have been swallowed up by the titles that you now reign - Mother, Wife, Friend. I have been engulfed by the expectations of a stay at home Mum, put upon me by no-one other than myself. My days have been full of repetitive routine, day in and day out, all the same. Days are folding onto one another and my sense of self has been feeling lost. Where has 'Jess' gone? Who is she, anyway?

I know that I want to be a person that my children can be proud of. Not only as their Mother, but as an individual separate from them. Lately I haven't been feeling like that is something I can offer them. My lust for life has been relatively low, I have just been getting through each day rather than living them. My self worth is low, a result of not taking the time to remember me. My motivation and goals near non existent. 

Over the past few weeks I have been stopping and taking stock of my life and what it is that I want to gain from it. With the help of a professional to talk to, I have been assessing myself, as a Mother, a friend, a partner and in doing so I have come to some revealing conclusions about myself. In trying to find a better understanding of myself and the feelings I hold, I have opened up a whole new world and am now able to move forward in life knowing myself just that little bit better.

I have always viewed myself as a shy person, but knew that as a young child I wasn't shy. Somewhere along the way I learnt to be. I learnt to be embarrassed and unsure of myself. When i am meeting new people I question everything I am saying, I fall over myself and I can't think straight. I embarrass easily and always feel like people are laughing at me. Growing up, I used to watch my siblings be able to hold the attention of others, they were amazing story tellers, they would hold you captive, waiting for the next line. Then when I began to speak the interest would drop and attention was focused else where. I think in those moments I was learning that what I had to say was not worth the time of anyone else. Moments in our childhood as small as being laughed at or not listened to really can have such a momentous impact on our adult hood.

For as long as I can remember I have always felt like I do not have much to offer to friends or partners. That I was somewhat boring and the only way that I can make a friend and build that friendship is by doing things for that person. Always offering them things, my time, my energy. I have always thought that the minute I stop doing these things that the friendship would cease. That I am not likeable, just as myself. It is a very draining and tiring way to maintain relationships and is obviously a very unhealthy way to live.I am working out that if any person only wants me in their life because of this reason, then they are no friend of mine. I am learning that I am actually okay, just as I am. I do not have to convince people to like me. I still love to do and give to people, that is not really going to change. But what I need to learn to change is the reasons I do these things.

I am trying to better myself as a person, trying to understand myself and my passions, dreams and desires so that I can be a better version of myself, as Jess, as Mummy and as a lover. I have been feeling so trapped within my own body and my own life that I had started to forget what brings me joy. While stopping and thinking about my life in this way I am teaching myself how to make myself happy, rather than waiting for happiness to find me. I have set myself some goals, decided on a course of study and a future career path which I have been passionate about for years. I am taking myself out of my comfort zone. I am focusing time and energy on myself by leaving the house on my own more often, exercising and generally be more selfish. 

In the last two weeks I have found that my overall happiness and motivation is increasing by the day. I am excited about my future, as a woman, not just a Mother. This task has been revealing and confronting and empowering. I look forward to building on myself and am excited about the type of person I can become with this new found insight.

I will make, not only my children, but myself proud.

33/52

Evelyn: I've said it once, I'll say it again, you are most happy by the sea

Zalia: I can see the woman you are going to become

                                                      

 

Our family photo shoot

**This is by no means a sponsored post, I paid full price for our photo shoot, I just wanted to share them with you**

When Evelyn was a young baby we went and had some "professional photos" taken at a high turnover type studio and I was so truly disappointed with them. Every time I think about it, it breaks my heart that we don't have any decent photos of her as a baby. So, when I fell pregnant I was determined to find a photographer come and actually capture our baby and the essence of our family.

When I was at a girlfriends place and saw the photos of her and her baby son I was flawed by the natural, lifestyle appeal of the photos and asked for the details of her photographer. Turns out that the photographer was actually her friend and a working Mum, who was a reader of this here blog! So I contacted her through facebook and asked if she would be able to come out and photograph my family once "Jelly" had arrived.

At four weeks old, this beautiful girl named Krystle turned up on my doorstep. I was a nervous wreck, did we all look okay? Was the house tidy enough? Would Evelyn warm up to her and behave? I opened the door, a bundle of nerves and she just smiled. She was warm and lovely and beautiful and friendly. 

I am not sure if she noticed the house, or the fact that Evelyn and I weren't wearing shoes. Evelyn was her best friend in moments and before I knew it we were being photographed. But we weren't. But we were. She was so easy and comfortable and she made this awkward and shy family feel right at ease in her presence.

So here are a few photos of my family

Krystle runs KE Photography is based in Sydney and I highly recommend her, she is warm and gentle and just so easy to work with. 

32/52

Evelyn: My beautiful angel, fairy princess. On this particular day you were teased for the very first time. You held yourself tall and did not react, Mummy was so proud of you!

Zalia: Fascinated by life, soaking it all in with a smile on your face and joy in your body. You are just so beautiful

Dear Evelyn

"You are two years and four months old.
Your favourite tv shows are Peppa Pig, Dora and Raa Raa.

Your favourite toys are still your beloved Mr Rabbie, your blocks and your bike.

You are toilet training, on your own accord, and doing amazingly well. We are so proud of you.

Your talking is incredible. 

You can count to 6 without confusion, but know all the numbers up to 10. 

You know all of your colours and lots of shapes.

Your favourite foods are strawberries, spaghetti bolognese and tuna mornay."

You make me so incredibly proud my dear Evelyn Rose. On a daily basis you astound me with your smarts. You make me laugh with your humour. You warm me with your heart. You fill me up with so much joy and love and warmth. I have to be one of the luckiest I have ever been.

You have a beautifully warm and caring heart and every time you demonstrate this I am just amazed by how a two year old can care so much about the people around her. You are so aware of other peoples emotions, always giving a pat or a cuddle when someone is hurt. Asking if they are alright if they are sad. A kiss to make them feel better. You are full of empathy and compassion. 

I am so proud of you and the young girl you are becoming. Always know that you will make me proud with whatever you do and you will always have a home with me. I am so glad that you are mine.

I love you, darling girl

xx

31/52

Evelyn: filling your childhood with scraped knees, dirty clothes and memories

Zalia: your perfect baby skin and body is changing so fast, I don't want to miss a thing

30/52

Evelyn: You prefer the cupcake batter over the cupcake itself, I always oblige

Zalia: After weeks of staring down my food I give you your very first taste, you are amused but not convinced

Returning from a blogging holiday

I have, inadvertently, taken a two week break from writing here. I was finding that life was so busy and full, yet I was lacking the words, time and motivation to come here and write. I was feeling a little lost in what I wanted from this space and where I wanted it to go. It is so easy, in the blogging world, to get caught up in what is expected and become carried away in the changing currents. Feeling like you need to produce multiple posts, of quality writing and entertainment, for your audience. Watching fellow bloggers open sidebar advertising, or welcome sponsored posts. I began to get carried away with it and lost sight of what this blog means to me. 

Whilst I have absolutely loved building an audience and a relationship with my "readers", some of who have become close friends, this blog was not created for any kind of readership. I am honoured and delighted that I do have people who take the time to read and to comment and to support me. More than I could ever possibly describe. I have found great support here from you. I have found love and kindness. I have found the village that I have always craved.

I have loved watching my audience grow and have been blown away by the words that have been left here for me, by you. It really is such a magical thing. My entire life I have felt like my voice was not heard, that I was invisible. But when I write here, you hear me, you respond to me. You don't talk over the top of me, you don't disregard me, you actually choose to take the time to listen and to talk back. That has been such a gift to me and has really encouraged me to find more confidence within myself. But, that is not the reason why I started writing here.

I created this blog to mark time. To create a special place where I can record my daily musings of a stay at home Mum. To record the changes, the milestones and the achievements of my children. To give my thoughts a place to have the voice I felt I never had. I have lost sight of this a little bit. No longer writing to my children but feeling like I am writing to an audience. I began to question if I can say this, or will this be entertaining enough. I stopped monthly letters to Evelyn when she turned 2 as I thought it would bore you. 

In the last two weeks I have thought about this a lot and I realised how much I miss those monthly letters to Evelyn. I asked myself, why? If I love writing them and I miss having that record, then why am I not doing them? So, whilst I would love you to continue reading and to continue building my relationship with you. I need to go back to my core and start writing, not only for people to read and relate, but to my children. Marking their lives and our journey together.

Nothing much will really change here. I will still be the same voice telling the same stories but I will be writing the posts that I want my children to read in the future. Not the posts that I think will be entertaining. As I sit down to write each post it will be for the purpose of Evelyn and Zalia. Because at the end of the day, I am just a proud Mother wanting to record and remember my kids lives. 

I am by no means a writer.