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Evelyn: 30 Weeks and 6 days pregnant with Jelly Baby, a rare moment to sit on the couch, pleasantly interrupted by a kiss from a Big Sister in the early morning... With her wispy bed hair, her grubby breakfast face and a smile that could change the world

My Daughter pulls out her hair...

My Daughter has this very strange and quite disturbing behavioural habit. It is one that I have been trying to break for quite some time now but I am not having any luck in doing so. As she goes to sleep at night, or when she is bored, she will rub her dummy through her hair, twisting and turning it. As a result she has been slowly pulling out clumps of her hair, day by day. To the point that her beautiful long curly locks are now half as thick and half as long.

I have recently made the decision, for the second time, to take the dummy away from her in order to try and salvage her beautiful locks. This is a decision that I struggle greatly with. Evelyn has only ever used the dummy to go to sleep with and it has never been a cause of concern for me. It comforts her, when I cannot. She was a happy child to go to bed, she would fall asleep easily and she would sleep the whole night through. If she did ever wake up, she would keep herself entertained. So, you see, taking the dummy away from her is just not a decision I would be making if it werent for this incessant hair pulling.

I tried the first time to take it away from her when she was 18 months old and the whole process was a nightmare. She howled. She screamed. She begged. She didn't sleep, at all. She was unhappy and in return, I too was unhappy. So after a month of preserving I gave her back the dummy. In an instant, she fell asleep. She went back to enjoying going to bed, so much so as to even take me by the hand to her bedroom and tell me it was time. She was happy again and so was I.

However, after giving her the dummy back her hair pulling only became more aggressive. She now has two bald patches on either side of her head. Every morning, her dummy would be covered with hair. It was worse than it had ever been before. So, I decided to try again.

And I am struggling. I don't want to take it away from her. I don't want to see her suffer. She has instantly regressed to no sleeping again. She hates to go to her bedroom. She hates the sight of her Rabbie and her bottle and her sleeping suit(all things that she has in bed). When we do start to get her ready for bed she all of a sudden wants something to eat, or a drink, or anything that can distract us for that tiny bit longer for her to avoid going to bed. When I walk her into her room she hugs me so tightly and begins to cry. To beg, "mama no, mama no, mama no" over and over again. My heart breaks, every single time. She then cries, wails, screams, begs and pleads for hours and fights that wave of tiredness to the very end before finally crashing out. When she wakes, she is instantly upset, calling for me straight away. 

Gone are the days of her taking herself to sleep, entertaining herself in the morning, having day naps. She is beginning to turn into a terror child, once again and both she and I are no longer very happy with each other. It is breaking her to not have that dummy and in turn, is breaking me to watch her so sad.

I am struggling with this decision. I have persevered now for over a week and every day is just becoming increasingly more difficult than the last. I have noticed that she is still pulling at her hair, only now, it is with her hands. The next step, if I chose to continue down this path, is to take the bottle away from her. But this is another decision that I am just not ready to make. How unfair, to remove her dummy, then her bottle. Put her in a big girl bed. Then bring a new baby home. I am struggling. Every day I wonder, do I give it back to her? Do I shave her head and hope that breaks the habit? Do I keep going down this road and if so, when do I stop? 

I can see that she is not ready to give up the dummy. I, too, am not ready to take it away. This whole process has been full of angst and no reward and I am not sure how I am to move forward with it. I want Evelyn to be happy, well rested, content. The dummy gives her those things and I am taking away that very source. 

How do I continue this?

Life's a beach...

Life by the beach, really is a beach, come summer holidays and this year there was nothing I needed more than to have a break, with my family, by the beach. The year dragged on, both Evelyn and I falling sick uncountable times, Anthony working too hard and life being just generally busy and taxing, so come December I found myself counting down the days. The days until we could stay up late and sleep in. The days until we could eat dinner in the backyard, have BBQs for lunch and breakfast for dinner. The days until we could lay the hours away on the beach, dig holes and builds castles and then swim the day away. The days until we could all cuddle in bed, at any time we liked. The days until we could just sit back and be together as a family.

Oh, I needed this Summer holiday... desperately. While some of it was tiring and exhausting, for the most part, it was exactly what a summer holiday should be. It was full of blue skies, clear water, friends, family, smiles and laughter. It was me, with my family, doing what we love best... being together. 

Evelyn grew up a lot of the holidays and I was sad to see those last teeny tiny bits of baby disappear but it just too exciting watching her grow and learn. Her vocabulary has doubled, she knows emotions and actions, she is learning colours, she can count to three, her entire learning ability sky rocketed. She hugs harder, always giving a squueze. She helps more. And most importantly, she just adored her two weeks with her Daddy. And he did, her.

A man with his Daughter is possibly the most beautiful connection I have ever seen. He loves her, in a way that I will never be able to and I guess in a way that I never want to be able to. Because that connection is theirs and I get to watch it blossom and grow. It is beautiful. She loves him, in a way that she will never love me. She has puppy dog eyes for her Daddy. Daddy is fun, he is energetic, he is big and strong, he is hers... completely. And she knows it!

My connection with Evelyn also grew over the break. She knows her Mama is a place of warmth and safety. She knows I am her comfort and her security. I am the one that knows her best, that provides her and understands her. I am the one she will turn to, always. I love being all of those things for her, I love watching her look for me in a time of need, or a time of pride. I love that she waits for me to validate her, to encourage and support her, to clap and cheer for her. I will always be here for her, to do those things, she can ALWAYS depend on me to be her comfort. 

She is our best friend. She is what makes summer holidays so highly anticipated and so enjoyable. She is the Summer, to our holidays. 

Here are a few snaps of our life by the beach this summer

Lamb with Cumin and Pear

Last week I posted a photo on Instagram of a delicious recipe that I recently stumbled upon, stole from my Mother-in-Law and was asked to share the recipe here. So last night when I cooked it again for my friends I took a few quick snaps here and there and now, here I am. Now, apparently this recipe came from Karen Martini originally but I have been unable to find it on her website.

My Mother-In-Law cooks this meal, every single time we visit, and I absolutely love it. So I thought it was only fair that I should have a copy of this very loved recipe myself. I have now cooked it twice since returning home after Christmas time, and both guests have been more than impressed. It looks delicious, it smells divine, and it tastes sensational. So from my very appreciative taste buds, hopefully, to yours here is

Lamb with Pear and Cumin

What you will need

2 brown onions
1 lamb shoulder, semi-cut into portions (ask your butcher!)
2 tbsp cumin seed
2 tbsp peppercorns
5 cloves garlic
2 tbsp flaked salt
1 tbsp olive oil
7 sprigs thyme, leaves only
4 beurre bosc pears (or quinces)
3 tbsp raw sugar
2 tbsp red wine vinegar
80 mls water

What to do

Preheat fan forced oven to 160 degrees

Create your delicious paste - crush cumin and peppercorns, garlic and salt in a mortar and pestle until a thick paste. Add your oil.

Trim and lightly score the lamb, then rub the paste into your lamb, making sure to rub into bones and cracks and crevices.
Slice onions into rounds and place on the bottom of a heavy ovenproof dish (I used a scanpan roasting dish), top the onion with the lamb, scatter thyme leaves and add halved pears to the pan. Sprinkle the sugar over the top. Lastly, add your vinegar and water.

Cover your pan with a double layer of foil and place into the oven for 4 hours. After which, remove the lamb and skim of the fat and baste the lamb, return to the oven uncovered and cook for a further 35 minutes at an increased temperature of 180 degrees.

Serve with mash potato and peas 

Enjoy!

Dear 21 month old you

You were 21 months old three days ago! We have been busy enjoying our summer holidays with Daddy being at home so I simply just forgot to come here and tell you about your 21 months. But for the last three days I have been thinking about how at this age, you seem to be so much older than you really are. I am finding myself constantly reminding myself that you are still in fact a baby. Your age is still counted by the months and not the years. You are my baby and I am not ready to let you grow up yet.

In just two months time, we are going to have another baby in the house and I have been thinking a LOT about how that will affect you. How it will force you to grow up faster than if there were no baby. I am trying to come up with a way to still allow you to be a 23 month old baby when Jelly is born. How to not put too many expectations on you. I don't want to make you grow up before your time, because you are still my baby and I love every little ounce of your babyness, and even with another baby on the way, I am not ready to let your baby go. 

I think you may have other plans though, over this last month you have grown and grown up amazingly. Your ability to talk and to mimic all that I do has increased ten fold. Your words are still muffled but for you Daddy and I, we know exactly what you are saying. Some people have expressed concern about your speaking but I don't believe that there is any cause of concern. You are busy. Always busy. I think you just haven't had the interest in learning to speak at a rapid pace because you are too busy doing...things. 

Every day this summer we have gone to the beach and you are in your element. Just like your Mama. And your Daddy. We both love to watch you digging in the sand. You take trips with your bucket down to the water and rush it back up and play play play. Your absolutely favourite game is for Daddy or I to hold you in the water so you can kick your legs and float over the top of the waves. Your laughter echoes through the wide open spaces and bounces off the water. It really is my most favourite sound, and to hear it, at my most favourite place is just such a blessing. The beach is our escape, our sanity, our fun and our therapy and you just love every single thing about it. You are at your most happiest when you are by the ocean and this just makes me at my most happiest.

You have a boyfriend. Brodie. That you adore. You sing his name when he isn't here, and he calls for you when you are not there. You hold hands and jump in the waves together. You fetch him water and he thanks you. You kiss each other, hug each other, talk to each other and just love each other with every fibre of your being. It really is just the most beautiful friendship to watch blossoming. Brodies Mama and I, talk of your futures and that your friendship will forever grow and follow you both through life. I couldn't ask for a better friend for you, or a better family for you to be a part of, or a better little boy to be a part of ours. They all love you, Brodie, Kate and Aaron. And we all love them. 

We have taken the dummy off you, again. You are trying your hardest to be ok with this but the truth is that you really just love your dummy. I feel awful and horrible for taking it away from you, but you pull your hair out with your dummy and I need to break that habit. I really am very proud of you and how you are handling it. 

Yesterday, you climbed out of your cot, for the very first time. You landed in Mamas rocking chair that she left too close to your cot to entice you with. But now that we know you can climb out of there, I think it is time to move your big girl bed in and your cot out. I am concerned about too many changes too close together though. Firstly it was taking the dummy away, then the big girl bed, then a baby. I know how resilient you are and I am sure you will be fine but this never stops me from fussing over you.

Most Mama's dont like hearing the word 'No" come from their children but I just have to say, at this very moment in time, your No is just the sweetest little sound I have heard. Not the word itself, but the way in which your voice sounds. It makes me laugh. Every time. It is the most adorable sound and I really dont want to see it go!

You are 21 months old. You are about to be in a big girl bed. You are about to be a big Sister. You are growing up and I am desperate to just freeze time. Because 21 month old you is just the sweetest, most caring, most loveable little you. 

Mama loves you... every day and every month and it is a pure joy and an absolute blessing to watch you grow and to be able to call you ours. 

The 'Niplette' may just be the answer to my prayers

Before I start writing this post I want to make some things clear. Im sure a lot of us have been following the 'get off my internets' forum discussion and there seems to be a lot of discussion about how to identify blog posts that are sponsored or reviews or giveaways or anything that relates to a product. So I want to start by saying that this was in no way gifted to me, sponsored, paid for, nor will it lead to a give away. This is simply a product that I have been using out of desperation to be able to breast feed my coming baby.

So, with that said. Let me remind you that I had a lot of trouble breast feeding Evelyn and it was a battle that I lost with great disappointment and sadness. I still find it a highly emotional topic to talk about or to even think back to. When I first fell pregnant with Jelly I had convinced myself that breast feeding this baby would not be important to me and that if I could make the first four weeks work then I would be happy with that. Which I will be. But I have now set my goals higher.

I want to be able to breast feed Jelly for fair longer than four weeks. I want to be able to have that bond that I never had with Evelyn. I feel guilty about the prospect of it actually working with Jelly, where it didn't with Evelyn. Im not sure if this will make sense to you, but I feel jealous of the bond that could occur with Jelly. I feel let down that it didn't occur with Evelyn. It confuses me to feel this way and I have a lot of trouble trying to make sense of it. On one hand, I want so badly to breastfeed Jelly but on the other hand I don't want to. I don't want to because I didn't get to do that for Evelyn, or with her. I want to because I didn't get to do that with Evelyn. How does it make sense to be jealous of a relationship that hasn't even begun yet? Furthermore, how does it make sense to be jealous of your own relationship?

Regardless of all of these confused emotions, I decided a long time ago to start looking into ways to be able to help me along my breast feeding journey. My first stop was to look at corrective surgery. After much extensive research and discussion with Drs and Anthony, this was just not an option I was willing to take. Considering my bad reactions to General anaesthetic, the recovery time that would ensue and my lack of a village to call upon, surgery was out. So I began to look online for any suggestions on how to correct an inverted nipple and I came across this strange looking thing.

       Buy it here

It is called a 'Niplette' and is made my Avent. When Evelyn was born and it became apparent that I needed something to help me pull out my nipple, Anthony and I scoured the baby stores and the chemists and we found something that was just called a 'Nipple Puller'. Im not sure how to describe it, it had a small little pump on the end, like a baster pump. And you put the suction cap over your nipple and pumped the baster. It was ridiculous and didnt even take hold of my skin let alone begin to pull my nipple out. But this, this actually works! You place that little cap over your nipple and it is connected to a syringe which you then draw out. The pressure is strong but not painful and it is controllable, unlike trying to use the breast pump! 

Image Credit

So every day for the last month and a half, I have been using this while I walk around the house. And each and every day my nipple pulls out a little bit further. Precious to the niplette when I tried to "draw" my nipple out of its inversion it would actually invert further... But now? Now I can actually push my nipple out! It still sits inverted but it now has the ability to draw out and almost look like the other side. I will continue to use this until I am 7 months pregnant* and then I will make sure that it is packed in my hospital bag and put it on just before feeding Jelly to help bring the nipple out before latching. 

So, I think, after another couple of weeks of using this little device, I will actually be able to feed Jelly! Naturally. On my own! I could not be more proud of myself for persisting with this and actually finding a solution to my problem, without the help of midwives who laugh the problem off. Without the emotions of failure or disappointment. I feel as though I have really achieved something and my fingers will be crossed that the results at the end will be successful.

I know there are some of you who have the same condition as I do so I hope that you will find this helpful for your next baby and breast feeding adventure. I will come back here after Jelly is born and update you on wether it actually worked or not, but at this point the results are remarkable.

**Please note: If you are going to use this device, only use it up to 7 months pregnant, as nipple stimulation can bring on contractions **

The Bump ~ 29 Weeks

We missed last weeks photo's... life got away from us. Christmas and New Years Eve and summer holidays has a habit of doing that to you. Before we knew it, we were at 29 weeks thinking, 'what happened to 28 weeks?'. So, today (two days late) I packed us all in the car and dragged us down to the furthest point of the peninsular, Fairlight, to a little beach that always calms my mood. Every time we have been there as a couple and now as a family, I have arrived in an agitated mood but somehow every time we have left I have felt at peace. The problem, however, is that we were so busy enjoying the walk and the scenery and the water, that what little photos we did take, are mostly blurry. Which I think is very apt for the last two weeks.

My mood has been blurry. Each day I awake hoping that I will have a new found energy to pull me through the next 11 weeks, but every day I awake to find myself just a little more exhausted. My bones are aching and are tired. My mind is blurry and weary. The third trimester really is the hardest trimester, how quickly I had forgotten. Today as we walked along the Sydney harbour I tried to explain to Anthony how I was feeling and this is all I could come up with to begin to explain it.

I feel as though I need to escape my own body. My head wants to be happy and energised and relaxed but somehow every day I am agitated, irritated and frustrated. Then those feelings, where ever they come from, begin to seep into my head. I then have an internal battle. Wanting to fight those feelings away and find the happiness. But the frustration wins out every time. I feel as though there is something I need, but I cant work out what it is. You know when you are craving something to eat but you cant quite put your finger on what it is? Or when there is a word you are thinking of, but you cant find it? Then your entire body starts to ache with... frustration, or disappointment, or anger? Something. Thats how I feel. 

Every day these holidays we have gone to the ocean and I sit on the sand I release these emotions as much as I can. I swim them away, float them away. It always helps to calm me and I am hoping that one day they will all float away for good. 

My iron levels are too low and so my energy is lacking, I am trying to increase my iron intake with red meat and veg as much as I can. Hopefully I will begin to see an increase soon. With higher iron levels I hope that my mood will also increase. 

The last two weeks have been full of family, celebrations and busy. Its amazing how quickly time flies past by at this time of year. We now only have 11 weeks to go. But if I have my way, we will go into labour early like we did with Evelyn, which means only 9 weeks. I am so ready for that day to come. 

Well...

My pregnant body is ready. But today I thought of how much life will change with the arrival of baby Jelly. Again, my thoughts travel to places such as 'how will Evelyn cope?', 'how can I better prepare her?', 'how will I cope when my attention and time has to be shared between two?'. Iso very excited for our little family to grow but I am still sadden to think about how my time will no longer be only Evelyn's and how she will no longer be my only thoughts. It scares me. Will I miss her? Will she miss her? How do I help her to understand that I still love her just the same?

Jelly, your arrival can not be any more anticipated. I will love you with every inch of my heart and you will instantly be a part of our family. Your presence will bring us all happiness and joy and although the wait for you may be confusing, I just know that once you are here, life will be normal. 

Its you and me babe, all together we will be one