And so it starts...

And so it starts... 

The beginning of my new blog starts now, at this very moment. I can make this place whatever I wish it to be... And I wish for it to be a place full of honesty, it will be a place that I speak to my Daughter without hesitation and without fear or restrictions. It is a place where I will encapsulate my journey as her Mother and her my Daughter. This is a time capsule, for me to freeze memories to give to her so that she can see and understand our time together, our growth together. So this is her place and her space, that I will create. 

Some people will have followed me here, some will have just stumbled upon me. Either way, both people deserve an explanation as to why I am now where I am rather than where I was. 

Some months ago, I started a blog (whose name I cannot mention). I started to put my words down in black and white and it felt incredible. People read those words, people felt inspired by those words... my words. People were encouraging and supportive. Until one day when they weren't. Until one day when SHE wasn't. Then that blog became a place of darkness and shame. A place that no longer felt incredible but rather it made me feel guilt. Which is what she does. 

 I wrote a story without intention of cruelty. It was just a story about where I came from and about where I ended up. It was a story about my childhood and the effects of a broken home. It was a story that I was proud of, so proud that I have read it a million times. The story was my story, no one else's, just... mine. Until it became hers. Until she made me become cruel. Until she made me become nasty and humiliating. At least thats the way she made me feel I became. I still do not believe that my story was any of those things. But she does. And so our relationship has again faltered. 

We ceased what little communication we had left and I changed the name of my blog and removed her from my facebook. I felt like I needed privacy. Privacy from her and her words. I felt like she used my connection to the social media world for the wrong intentions. I felt that instead of having a human connection she had an online connection and that resulted in us having such little communication to begin with. So I removed her from my online world. I hoped that this would connect her to my world. But it has not. It has just removed her completely. Until, I found that changing my blog name did no good, she could still google the original and be taken to that place. Not only did she read my words, she stole images from my place. She violated my sanctuary. 

So I closed it. 

And I cried. And I felt broken. And I felt like something had been stolen from me. I felt like I finally found a space, a community, where I was good enough and where people actually WANTED to listen to me... and then it was taken from me. Because of her. 

So now I am here. And she wont be here. And now I can write. Now I can talk. Now I can tell my stories and I WILL not feel shame, nor guilt. I will not apologise. I will be true to myself and true to you. Because this is my space and these are my stories, which I will tell with honesty and with pride, because that is what my daughter deserves. Because I want her to know that she can always tell the truth. Because I want her to know the truth about her Mama. 

If you have found this place uninvited, and you read these words, then that was your decision. You will not and do not have the right to talk to me about these words. These words are not written with any intention to hurt you. They are not written with any intention for you to ever read them. As I told you when you first abused me about my words, I have found a place where I can speak and I can heal and I can find peace. You will not take that away from me again, and if you try to, if you even think about trying to, then we will never be ok. If you find this place and you read these words then please do not let me know that you have done so. Read at your own risk. 

So, after the storm, there was a rainbow. This is my rainbow. A reminder that colour and light and goodness will always prevail when you remain true to yourself and true to your beliefs. 

My heart is your home... 
Always Miss E, always x