Facing my fears

Growing up as a child I was painfully aware of my actions and people's reactions. It made me fear being silly or active or loud or funny. I was afraid of how I was perceived, I was afraid of people's laughter. Because they always laughed. It never felt like it was with me... always at me. I became introverted, too afraid of meeting new people, too afraid of looking silly. I am not a naturally introverted person, but I have learnt to be. 

I do not ever want my children to feel as though they cant be children, out of fear of judgement. I do not ever want my children to feel as though they cannot try new things for fear of getting it wrong. I don't ever want them to be afraid to speak out of panic of speaking the wrong thing. I want them to have the courage and confidence to embrace their entirety. I want them to feel comfortable within themselves, to be themselves. To fear people, to fear new things, is a life I wish upon no one else, especially not my children.

Recently I realised for Evelyn to have that confidence, I need to create it for her. I need to create an environment where she is socially aware and comfortable. Recently I realised I was not doing this. I was letting my own fears and insecurities drive my daughter's outings. Until recently, the thought of going to the park on my own was so overwhelmingly scary that I would have a near panic attack as I parked the car and I would have to drive back home. Until recently, I was being a selfish Mother. I was letting my panic affect my daughter. Recently I noticed that my Daughter is becoming as timid and as shy as her Mother and that is just the last thing I want for her.

So I have been venturing out. Every day that I do not work, we go. To the park. To play group. To music class. To play centres. To the beach. To cafes. Anywhere that my Daughter can be placed into a situation where she has to socially interact. She is still shy and timid, I think that is just as she will be, but she is not scared. She does not fear people. And me... well I am learning. I talk to people without stumbling. I initiate conversations with strangers. I play and laugh and be silly with my Daughter and I am slowly learning that people's reactions are not important.

What is important is that my Daughter learns she has a place in this world. It is important that she feels she is just as capable and important as any of her peers. It is important that she learn how to be strong and confident and secure. Thats all I want for her. Happiness in her self and happiness in her world.

She is beginning to thrive. To really shine. I can see her happiness when she is out and about and active and talking. I can see her starting to change, letting go of her fears, letting go of me. She wasn't born to be afraid, just like I wasn't, she was born to be a star. Now that I am aware of my mistake I can work on making sure that the rest of her life she is encouraged to shine as bright as she should shine. 

Park days have now become some of my absolute favourite days. To take my Daughter out into the world and see her venture out. See her choose to take the slide on her belly, on her own. To see her decide its time for the swing, or to build a sandcastle. To see her talk to other children and make friends. To see all of these memories being created, the confidence building, it is some of my proudest moments of being Evelyn's Mama.