I am finding it hard to sit here and focus, I found it hard to actually do my hair and put on a dress and leave the house, I found it hard to find a smile and I found it hard to play with Evelyn. This week has been that kind of week and today has been the hardest day yet. For nine days now I have had a relentless and consistent head splitting migraine. I do not exaggerate when I say that I have not had even an hour of relief. These past two days it has been so bad that I cant actually speak properly. I try and words don't come, just noise. When I stand I experience the most intense stabbing pain in my left eye that I lose sight for moments, I go black, I feel dizzy, I am lucky if I don't fall over. Throughout my pregnancy with Evelyn I was consistently sick, at this point in time, I would prefer that. At least then I would throw up and then feel ok for a few hours.
Pregnancy is so hard on our bodies. So hard. My first pregnancy I had every symptom you wish you'd never get. But by the time Evelyn was born I had already forgotten. Thats the beauty of pregnancy. It doesn't last forever and each day that I wake from a very painful and restless sleep with my head still screaming at me, I remind myself, this wont be forever and this will be worth it. Because in 6 months time, I will be holding Jelly and I won't remember a thing. This is what is getting me through another day.
We had our booking in appointment at our hospital of choice on Monday. Lindy, our midwife, was wonderfully kind and gentle and the type of person you want to surround yourself with. The hospital is newly renovated and has only had 21 babies born there since reopening. It is also within walking distance from our home. The view from the room is our favourite beach or a golf course. It is peaceful and beautiful.
Anthony and I have discussed how we would like our birth to go this time around. Before I was ever pregnant I had always wanted to have a water birth. Throughout my pregnancy with Evelyn, I was somehow talked out of this. When I went into labour with Evelyn I didn't have with me a birth plan. I am the type of person who, once I have a plan, everything must go to plan. And so I didn't want to set myself up for more stress or any disappointment. However, this time, we have decided to have a plan. I will fight my hardest to have my water birth. And I will try again to have a drug free birth. With Evelyn I made it to 29 hours before needing an epidural. This time, I will try to make it to the 30th hour. I won't be disappointed if I have to rely on those drugs, but I will be disappointed if I don't at least try.
Jelly, you have made this week a very hard week for your Mama to focus on anything other than her throbbing head. But even throughout that I have found my hands drifting down and holding you whilst day dreaming about the day I get to touch you and see your face.
Its you and me babe, through the pain and through the glory, we will make it to the end!
Things to do and see in Fisherman's Beach
Tim Bailey - The weatherman, is more often than not, recording the weather on this beach!
