My Heart, Your Home: Dear Teenage Me   

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Dear Teenage Me

When I was a teenager, my outer appearance was that of happy and joyful, but deep inside I struggled. On some days, I just didn't want to be here. Some days the hurt and the pain and the rejection I was suffering became so overbearing and it would break me. Today, on 'R U OK?' day... I speak to teenage me.

Dear Teenage Me,

There's still a little bit of your ghost, in my heart. 

I walk this life every day as an adult, a grown woman, with responsibilities and dependant children. I walk this life trying to be as mature as I think I should be, as honest and as reliable as a woman, a Mother, should be. But some days, I still walk this life, as you. As that 15 year old careless and reckless, independent and strong, fearless and adventurous, child. Some days, I walk through this life, wishing I could be you. Sometimes, this life, it can climb up on top of you, constantly trying to knock you down. Most days, you push on through, but sometimes, some days, I just want to be you again. I want to be able to scream at this life and tell it, that it is too hard. I want to run the length of the beach, with the wind in my hair and tears in my eyes and I want to feel that freedom that you were forever chasing. I want to be you, so that I can tell you, stop chasing the freedom, because - you are free.

Some times, some weeks, like this week, they can become so overwhelmingly heavy. So emotionally draining. Through those weeks you need not fear what is to come, because what is to come is always a light at the end, a new corner to turn or a new window opened. You need not revert to your darkness, bury yourself in your sadness and your sorrow, because in the light of day, everything will be ok. On those nights, where you feel like there is no escape from the pain, no end in sight, on those nights, you need to know that with the break of day will come a wave of peace. You need not fear, because you will always the survive the demons of your nights.

You must learn to hold on tight to those who love you. You must learn not to isolate your self and wallow in your self pity and self hurt. You must learn to rely on people, to lean on them for support. You have to learn to trust in others. This life isn't made for you to live it alone. This life is for you to enjoy, for you to embrace it, with both arms. This life is here to warm your heart and carry your soul. Let it do these things for you. Let it give you what you so badly desire. There is still a little bit of your distrust, in my mind. I am still learning the lessons that we both so desperately need to learn. We need to open our hearts, open our lives. We need to understand that on those days, the ones where we are not ok, the ones where we don't believe there will be another day, there is always someone there cheering you on to make it through to the next. We need to learn that our heavy hearts are not to be carried on our own, they are to be shared. One day, you will find a man and friends, that will carry that heart for you on the days that you just cant do it anymore. And when you find that man and you find that friend, you need to let them carry that heart. Because you can't do it on your own. 

That freedom that you are searching for, you have it. You really do. Each day you run down that beach, with the sun shining on your back and the sand in between your toes and the water splashing your legs, its there with you. Each time you put your pen to paper and you write about how you feel, you tell you story, wether it be heard or wether it be stowed away for a raining day, you have it there with you. Each time you exercise your right to breathe, to live, to smile and to laugh, you are free. Stop fighting against it and just let it be. 

Your heart will be broken many times, but this is ok, because it teaches you how to love. Don't turn that heart ache into anger, let yourself be sad, you deserve to be. Move past the disappointment and move through the sadness and always open your heart up to new people and new opportunities. Let yourself be loved, believe that you are worthy, because honey you really are. Don't push people away. They are there with you because that is where they choose to be. If you do push them away, don't be suprised when they finally give in and leave you. You need to make a decision, you need to let them make a decision. You have to stop making people constantly try to prove to you that they care about you, that they love you. Just let them be. Be with you. Because you are worth their love and their time.

You will suffer many losses. Too many losses for a young girl. I have suffered too many losses for a young woman. They never get easier, they will always hurt, they will always knock you to your knees and the wind from beneath your wings. You need to accept that, you need to grieve their loss, accept it, and always fight to move forwards. Because those people whom you love so, those people whom you have lost and will continue to lose, want you to keep on living. They want you to live for you and live for them. Loss is a part of life, I am sorry that you have had so much of it at such a young age, but you will be ok. Each and every time, you will be ok. You will always be ok, because now you are guarded. Loved by some on this earth and loved by others on another. 

Take help where help is offered, stop living this life on your own. I cannot stress that enough. You so desperately want to not feel so alone, and yet you continue to revert into your own, you forget to reach out. I forget to reach out. Please, learn to ask for help, to talk to people, learn to force the issue if you are feeling unheard. You don't deserve to feel like you have no where to turn, because the reality is, you do have places to turn, you just don't ever see them. Learn!

Learn to care for yourself, for you heart and you soul. Learn how to treat them right. Learn how to make them happy and how to help them feel loved. This is your life sweetheart, if you want to live it then you must reach out and just do it!

Life isn't always as dark as your angsty teenage self views it. Life is actually some kind of wonderful. It is actually some kind of magic and if you don't leave you dark little corner then before you know it, you are going to miss out on it all!

Don't take life so seriously, or you will never make it out alive.

All my love,
Semi-Adult Me

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