The Bump ~ 18 Weeks

I feel like this last week, from 17 weeks to 18 weeks, has been an incredible week. It was full of emotion, both good and bad. It was full of firsts. It was full of love. It was a journey. A journey from misery to triumph. 

At the beginning of this week I was feeling very sensitive and emotionally negative. About myself and my life and my direction. I absolutely adore being a Mum and it is what I see myself loving for the rest of my life. It is not what I ever planned my life to become and it certainly is not what I ever saw myself committing myself to, to such a high degree. But here I am, fully committed and completely in love. But, at the beginning of this week I realised how much I gave up on myself and my goals and beliefs when I became a Mum. I have realised, to be the best Mother I can be, to be an inspiration to you, my children, I need to be the best person I can be. That means focusing some of my time on myself and my future outside of my family. This week, I decided that when Jelly is born, I will be re-enrolling in my University degree and I will strive to reach my dreams and my goals that I had always had set out for myself.

At the very start of the week my self esteem and self regard had plummeted. I am not sure for what reason, I really couldn't say. I began to feel lonely and sad and very un-like myself. But as the each day ended, I made more decisions to improve my own self worth and I have tried to find a cause to commit my time and effort to. I think I have really started to feel like I have let myself go to waste, my passion and fire has dimmed. So this week, in the wake of my low, I made decisions to light the fire within me again. The passion of good-will, of creation and self love. And I am excited!

With all these personal discoveries and self improvements I have had what I could say has been the best week in this pregnancy so far. My migraine has become a distant nightmare, soon to be forgotten. My body has really begun to transform, from a woman to a creation. My tiredness is beginning to really lift and all of a sudden the days feel warmer and brighter. Not only that, but this week, Jelly and I had our first moment of physical connection. I felt you move. It is amazing to me that in a matter of hours, only minutes, I can go from wondering how you are doing down there in my belly to knowing exactly how you are. When you are awake and active, when you are asleep. What you do and what you don't like. I am in awe of just how strong your tiny little body really is. With each kick I feel calm and relief. I feel connected and close. I love those little butterfly kisses that you have been giving me each and every day. I cannot wait for you to be able to kiss the palm of your Daddy to let him know just how much you love him too.

This week we took you to your first live music show. It was the final tour of one of my all time favourite Australian bands - The Beautiful Girls. Your sister came with me to another of my favourites - The Waifs. And also to - The Vampire Weekend. It was only fair that you get to experience such a thrill too. However, you did not agree that this was a thrill. You went wild in there, and not in a good way. You had Mummy doubled over in a public toilet cubicle waiting for you to calm your nerves. After which, we made a hasty exit. 

Jelly, you and I have had a big week. Both of us growing, stronger and wiser. Our hearts beating with reason. When I was struggling to find a meaning to it all, you let me know what the meaning really is with your gentle butterfly kiss kicks. You reminded me that the reason is you. It is Evelyn. It is family. In that moment, you gave me the direction that I have been looking for. This week has been our best week yet, you a constant and subtle reminder to live in the now and not in the past, or too far in the future. 

Its you and me babe, together we will always find the way