I always thought that I had myself figured out. I always thought I knew what kind of person I am. I thought I knew what I was willing to do and give to others, when I would say no and what my breaking point is. But lately, I have not been so sure.
I have always considered myself a listener, a person willing to sit and let you talk to me about all the things that you are struggling with, all the things that are making you stressed and sad. I always thought that I was good at that. But, over the last few years I have found that all of that listening and supporting and advising has really started to take a negative toll on my own happiness. Lately I have been feeling like I spend too much time allowing other people to share their issues with me, I spend too much time analysing and advising on their lives, that I do not take the time to focus on my own life.
I came to this realisation just over a year ago when an old friend placed too much of her problems on my shoulders and my life became her life. I would take her issues home and I would stew and dwell on them. I tried to explain to her that it was affecting me and that I needed a break from this particular issue but she continued to share her worries with me. So I continued to listen, I didn't say 'no' again. That friendship came to an abrupt end because I just was no longer capable of giving her the time, the responses and the sympathy that she required. I especially struggled to give her these things when I knew that she was not willing to give me any of those things, always responding with 'lets not dwell on that' and changing my subject into her subject. The friendship ended and I questioned who I was.
Am I really a listener if I cannot listen for long enough?
Recently, I was told that I was doing to another, what that friend did to me. Now I don't know, am I really a listener at all? Do I have the completely wrong image of myself? Do I think that I am giving and supporting and listening to others when they think that I give nothing at all? I feel as though every day I take time away from my day to try and help the people within my life. Help by being available and by offering an ear. I feel like I do this. But do I not? I feel like I put my life aside, put my worries and my concerns and my stresses aside to help others. Recently I have actually felt like I have forgotten how to focus on my own life. I feel like this is the reason why life has built up and knocked me down so hard.
I have always thought that I was strong and honest and lenient. I have always thought that I am the person that people know they can call and I will provide them with the time and the support that they desire. I was always available. But recently, I have began to waver. I have begun to resent myself for making myself so available. I can feel myself pulling away. Trying to avoid conversations and situations that I know will be another session of "counselling". I am missing the light and the fun of having just a friendship. I am missing the laughter and the smiles. I am feeling as though my life is revolving around "helping" other's lives and I am no longer feeling any benefit. A life lived to support all those around me makes for a life without any time. I need time. I need laughter again. I need light again.
Am I really what I always thought I was, when now I just want to run away from that image?
I want to eliminate the stress in my life, the negativity, the issues. I want for the only stress in my life, to be my own stress, not the stress of those around me. But how do you control the emotions you are exposed to? How do you prevent these issues spilling over into your own life? How do I teach myself to no longer hold those conversations? How do I train those people to no longer rely on me for that support? How do I change the perception of myself when this is who I have always been?
Or have I?
