A Mother's guilt controls the way you live your life, the decisions you make and the steps that you take. It can cause you to become someone that you are not and live a life that you never envisioned. Mother's guilt does not become you, in can turn you unkind, unhappy and un-you. Mother's guilt is not a feeling that we should allow ourselves to feel, as often as we do.
And yet, Mother's guilt is what is controlling my every desire. Lately, I have been feeling a need for more but that guilt has built a barrier between me and more. It is preventing me from knowing how to start the search. From the moment my Daughter was born, my life became hers and no longer mine. That was a decision I made with every fibre of my being. I wanted to be the ever present Mama. I wanted to be everything for her, for our family. For the last 18 months all that I have done, all that I say and think and dream, has been for her. I spend my time trying to provide her with the best, the best of everything, and along the way I seem to have lost my way.
I no longer live for me. I no longer take the time to be me. Somehow, somewhere, sometime, I have lost me. In recents days, or even weeks, I have really been grieving that loss. With the coming arrival of Baby Jelly, I worry that if I do not make a change soon, if I do not find my way and find me, then perhaps she will be lost forever? This fear has forced me to reconsider my choices and reevaluate my life and I have found that if I do not live my life for me, if I do not find my own balance and harmony, my own happiness, then how can I ever teach my Daughter to grow and be confident in herself and find happiness in her life. I need not give my everything to my children, instead, I need to give them inspiration, a role model... Someone to aspire to. I cannot do this, if I do not know myself.
My life has become one of repetitiveness, of structure and of routine. I am not a creature of routine or structure or habit. My nature seeks adventure and spontaneity, thrills and the unexpected. I thrive when I live each and every day bigger and better than the last. But lately, my days have been the same. They are full of habit, of routine. They are becoming more and more the same. As a result of all this structure I am beginning to feel like a caged animal. My heart yearns for a change, for something more. My body is aching for the freedom of spontaneity. My soul is searching for something.
I need to rediscover myself, rediscover my spark and my fire. I need to press pause of the daily grind and search for my spirit, before my spirit is a distant memory. My children deserve the very best version of me. Anthony deserves the very best version of me. But today, what they are being given is a mere shadow of my former myself. They are being given less than they are worthy and I can see it in their eyes, in his eyes, that I am not the only one who is losing me.
My Mother's guilt has been preventing me from going out on my own, but I am beginning to realise that my Mother's guilt should be pushing me out the door and paving the way of my journey back home to me.
I need to dance in the rain again.
I need to pick wild flowers and walk barefooted
I need to create
I need to feel...
