The Bump ~ 22 Weeks

On Wednesday this week I found myself sobbing hysterically on the lounge, phoning Anthony at work and pleading with him to please come home and help me. To please watch Evelyn while I took myself to be checked. When he was unable to excuse himself from his work commitments I couldn't control my disappointment or my tears. But after a good cry, I picked myself up and I packed Evelyn in the car and she was going to come with me, it wasn't going to be pleasant. I knew what to expect as this would not be the first time I visited the Drs for this very reason.

You see, on Tuesday, I started passing blood in my bowel movements. This isn't too unusual for me. I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) back in 2007. I went through almost two years of testing. I was tested for every single bowel condition you could possibly imagine I was finding myself in incredible pain and always passing a bowl of blood. They were unable to find any real cause to this so put it down to IBS. I haven't had this symptom for a very long time. But on Tuesday morning it started. Unusually, it didn't stop. My need to go to the bathroom increased to 6 times a day and each time, always a bowl full of blood. I began to worry that this may not be related to my IBS but to my pregnancy. So I took myself to the Drs, knowing full well they will want to check for internal haemorrhoids. 

However, this particular Dr did not listen to a word I had to say and sent me out the door with the diagnosis of Gastro, not checking my baby, not caring for my distressed state. Knowing full well that I did not have gastro, as I had no symptoms other than blood, I cried some more. Then I called my midwives and rushed into the hospital. All this time, I was worried that Jelly was leaving me. Leaving my body. My life. All this time I cried, hysterically. I was on my own, I was terrified and my Daughter was terrified and there was nothing I could do to make it all ok, for either of us. 

I turned up to the hospital and rushed up to the birthing centre where the midwives opened their arms, to me and Evelyn, they hugged us. They took us to the delivery room where there was a bed and privacy. They organised for a Dr of the hospital to come visit me. They calmed me and reassured me. They were gentle and caring. Any doubts I had about going to this hospital previously (it is a newly opened maternity ward) had now parted and I just knew that I was in the hands of women who care, who nurture and love. I knew that I had made the right decision my putting the life of Jelly in the hands of this hospital and these women.

The Dr did the check that I had already prepared myself for, there were no haemorrhoids, which  was as I expected. There was not immediate reason to why I was passing so much blood. She checked Jelly, let me hear the heart beat, for as long as I needed. She assured me there is no harm to Jelly. She wrote me a list of Drs whom she trusts so that I never have to go back to the one who treated me so appallingly. She cared. In the end, all that stress and worry and concern was unnecessary and the blood stop within the next few hours. I am almost certain that it was my IBS misbehaving as a result to the last few weeks of emotions and stresses.

Throughout those two-three days I started to prepare myself for life without Jelly and it is not a life I care have. I am very sensitive to the thought that my pregnancies will not end with a baby and so my reaction may have been a little over the top. But I was unable to stop my mind from taking me to that dark place. In those moments, I realised just how much I love this baby. Just how ready I am to have Jelly be a part of our lives, in our arms, disrupting our sleep and making themselves an integral part of our family. I may not be able to see Jelly, but I cannot see a life without Jelly.

Jelly, since you started growing within me, you started becoming a part of our little family. Your presence is already felt, my arms ache to hold you, my body yearns to feel the warmth of your body. Fearing the loss of you helped me to realise just how much I love you and how much I want you and need you here with us. I cannot wait for that day. You will give our family what we don't already have, you will complete us.

Its you and me babe, together forever


:: The castle in these photos is found at North Head in Manly, it holds many sentimental memories for me. The first being stories that my Dad used to tell me as we sat on my Ma's bed looking across the beaches and at the big gold castle. He used to tell me that this castle was enchanted by fairies, that they would make their way down to the castle along the path of the moon on the ocean. One night he took my sister and I to this castle and raised us over his head and we touched the side of the gold castle. We were to be forever graced and guarded by the fairies. Forever safe, under their watch.

:: Years later my work held their Christmas party within the walls of the Enchanted Castles. I dressed myself up as a fairy, in a black and white dress with a fairy skirt. I was like a little girl fulfilling her dreams. On that night, as I danced on the dance floor, I knelt down to pick up my bag, I look up to find standing there with his hand reached out for me to take - Anthony. Those fairies bought him to me, forever keeping me safe under their watch and letting me know that this man, is the man for me. Fate would have it.