No Place Like Home

I was born a restless soul, my body never truly at ease when in the one place for any length of time. My mind has always craved change, at its most peaceful when surrounded by spontaneity. It was never my desire to grow old and marry a man, have a family or own a home. It was always my dream to travel the world, the country, and leave just my footprints behind. 

When I was just a young girl my parents divorced. In the divorce my Mum moved to Forster and took my brother, sister and I with her. We lived in two addresses before settling in our new forever home. I think it was at this time, that my love to move and change was born. Before long my life uprooted again and I was a 14 year old girl living out of home. In that time, I never had one true address, I never stayed in one place for too long. As scared and lonely as I felt, living life solo, my soul was at its most content. I didn't belong to anyone, I had no roots and I was not tied to any belongings. I was at peace, I was free. There was no one to answer to except myself. I was carefree and my life was my own. 

I have never had a desire to find a home, find somewhere that I belong. For me, not belonging, was my normal. Growing up, I was never a part of a friendship circle, always the girl who skipped between groups. Befriending one here and there. My life was never full of people, I had my person and that was all that I needed. As a young girl I never dreamed of being married, in fact, I despised the idea. I did not want to put my faith in one person and have my life forever joined to someone else's. 

I never knew what I was missing, I was not aware of the love that you can experience, the sweet warm embrace of acceptance... of belonging. When you do not know that such emotions exist, you don't yearn for them. I had spent my whole life without the taste for a home. 

Until I met Anthony. Then my views changed and my expectations of this life grew. We created something really special, for me. With him I learnt that roots are not to be afraid of. With him I learnt that belonging is warm. With him I learnt that I wanted a home, that I needed a home. We created a life together, a life I never could have envisioned myself living. We created life, very own child. Yet, while I felt settled with him, I never felt settled with life. I was still looking for that place that I could call home, that place that feels like home.

Since our latest move I slowly become more content. I do not rush out the door every morning and make myself busy until the afternoon. I take life slowly, happy to spend the time at home. I walk more gently. In the last 12 months, I am loosing that sense of restfulness, that desire for change and spontaneity. I no longer yearn to travel the world, I ache to just be. To be at home. Because, now I have one. 

I have found a place that I belong. I have found people I love and who just so happen to love me back. Sometimes the happiness I feel when I look at these new friends is so overwhelming that I walk away and I cry. This new life I am living doesn't make sense to me. To have people care for me with such a fierce love, to have them want to be with me, for them to call me, it is something I have never experienced. I have never allowed myself to have that. Each day I sit back and I look at this life I have created for myself and I truly know that I am blessed.

I have found a man whom has changed my entire belief of the world and relationships and marriage (and I don't resent that change). I have a Daughter whom I would give the world and loves me unconditionally. I have friends who chose to be with me and who show me every day that they want to be. I have a home that I walk into and I finally feel that relief.

My life has taken a turn that I never imagined it would. I have become settled, content, at ease... happy. I no longer want to pack up and leave my life behind. I want to be stuck, right in the middle of it, living it every day. My soul, only now, truly knows what it feels like to be content - when it belongs. My restfulness has never been about a need for change in the physical sense, it has always needed a change in the life I was living, it needed this life...

...this warm sweet embrace.