The Bump ~ 21 Weeks

You know what I have been thinking to myself all this week is that if we happen to go into labour early with Jelly, like we did with Evelyn, then I only have 17 weeks left of being pregnant. When really, I have 19. But as this week has bought with it insomnia and an uncomfortable body, the thought of it only being 17 weeks left to go is somewhat comforting. 17 weeks is just a blip of time. In fact, so is 19 weeks! Before I know it, Jelly will be here and I will be missing this baby bump!

This week has been exhausting, for more than just one reason. Whilst Evelyn has decided that she no longer needs to sleep so has my body. I am on the verge of collapsing to my feet and every night that I lay my aching body down I breathe a sigh of deep relief. But as I strategically place all my pillows around me to settle into a night of supported sleep, my mind decides that it does not agree with my body. So as my body lays and rests, my mind and I toss and turn. We battle with hopes and dreams, fears and uncertainties. Once we drift off into slumber we are awoken by the most terrifying of nightmares I could possibly concur up. Never a full nights sleep, but always a rested body.

My body is beginning to really feel pregnant. It wasn't until these last few days that I noticed that my tummy was really starting to grow to accommodate baby Jelly. Over this weekend people are noticing that I am pregnant, no longer offering me a beer or a wine, forgetting that this seasoned body can no longer say yes. Not only is my tummy expanding but my back is crumbling, my sciatica saying hello and my pelvis is aching. Jelly is sitting in a position very unlike Evelyn, who I never felt. Jelly pushes down, making me painfully away that there are two tiny baby feet pushing on my cervix.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how my life will change once there are two little babes in my home. How I will change as a Mother, my approach and my ability. There is absolutely nothing I love more in this world than being someones Mummy. Hearing those words. Having someone look up to me and love me so unconditionally. I want to be able to do all I can to ensure that I provide my children with the best possible lives they can have. I want them to feel loved. I want them to never have any doubts. I want them to feel safe and secure. I want them to know that I am living my life to ensure that their lives are all that they deserve, are all that I wish I had more of. Providing love to that extent is beautiful, but it is tiring, to even just one child. I wonder, am I capable of giving myself to more than one?

There is nothing I want more than for my children to know and feel love, to its umpth degree. It is my journey in life to ensure that they will forever know that they belong. Always and forever. My love will never falter. My arms will never close, only around them in a sweet embrace. My door forever open. My children have a home with me, in me, until the day I am no longer here. 

Jelly, you live within me now and in 19 weeks time you will live, held in my arms but your heart will never leave my heart. Because that is where you belong. I love you now and I will love you tomorrow, until there are no more tomorrows. You are mine.

Its you and me babe, where ever we go, we will have a home