Last night I went to bed and laid my restless and aching body beneath the sheets, as I settled in for a long night of slumber I began to think. That thinking soon turned into panic and anxiety and tears later followed. Last night I realised something, as I lay in my bed alone.
With this week being 'postnatal depression week', there have been many stories around the internet that I have been reading. With each and every story I read a feeling begins to bubble. A feeling that something isn't quite right. With me. Last night I realised that something definitely isn't right.
Today I have told my two closest people. I have said the words out loud. I am not yet sure what to do with those words or if those words are real. But today I took a step. Today, I came to the understanding that the way I have been living my life is not normal and I came to the understanding that I want my life to be full again. I have spent the day trying to determine if this is depression. And if it is, when did it start? Is it postnatal depression or has it been around for far longer than that?
About 12 months ago, Anthony and I went out for dinner and I explained to him that I do not feel myself. I had never said these words to anyone before and I cried as they spilled from within me. I told him that I do not feel anymore. I can feel love and I can feel happiness and I can feel anger and I can most definitely feel sadness. But those feelings have been subdued. My excitement never reaches its full capacity and my smile never as bright. My sadness is all consuming and my anger is uncontrollable. I feel irrational and agitated. But all of those emotions, are just not as real as they used to be.
I have noticed that I spend my days waiting. Waiting for the next day to come. Waiting for the next event so that I can enjoy myself. I lack the ability to just enjoy a day because it is a new day. I do not look forward to a new day, I look forward to the next thing. I have no motivation to leave the house, unless it is to accept an invite from another. I have no motivation to go and do for myself. The idea of leaving without my Daughter does not excite me. Where will I go? What will I do?
I don't remember the last time I woke up and didn't feel tired and yet, every night I go to bed and I cannot sleep. If it were possible I would sleep through the day, every day, avoiding spending time on my own.
I do not feel depressed, I do not lock myself in a dark room and cry. This is how I always viewed depression and this is why I struggle to see if depression is where I am. I have had thoughts that I may be a sufferer for quite some time but I have always told myself I have no reason to be depressed and that people around me do. I have always guilted myself out of approaching the topic any further. How can I be depressed, if they are not? After all they have been through?
I do not know wether this is depression, or if this is just normal. But what I do know, is that I do not want to waste my days away, always waiting for the next day. I do not want to be too afraid to enjoy Evelyn's nap time by spending the time by myself. I no longer want to always rely on meeting other people in order to leave the house and I want to be able to feel a real emotion again, in all its fury and rage. I want to feel an overwhelming emotion of happiness, or even sadness. I want that emotion to consume me and to no longer live in this perpetual state of mediocrity.
I do not know if this "funk" started after Evelyn was born, I do not know if it is postnatal depression. Perhaps it started after my Step Father passed away? Or even after watching my Sister go through the pain of losing her child and not being able to help? Or maybe, it has been around for far longer than that and stems from my childhood and the struggles of coming from a broken home?
Whatever the cause and whenever it started, Id like for it to longer be something that keeps me awake at night. Today I took my first step. I said the words out loud. At some point I will need to make the next step, but for now, leaning on my people and letting those words spill, that is big enough and scary enough for me. The rest will have to follow...
