13/52

Evelyn: Your first week as a Big Sister has been and gone and you have adapted to your new role so gracefully. You have made me so proud. Your kisses, your compassion, your cuddles and your love for your baby is just beautiful.

Zalia: One week in the world already and it feels as though you were always here. I cannot believe how blessed we have been to have you enter our lives. You are calm, settled and completely wonderful.

                                                     

Dear Big Sister

Dear Evelyn,

Your life has recently changed. In the biggest, most shocking way it could possibly change. You have been our only focus for just shy of two years, our first-born Daughter, our baby girl. We have given you the best possible life we could give you and we have filled your days with smiles, laughter, kisses and memories. We have loved you with every fibre of our bodies, with an endless love. You have filled our lives with a happiness that cannot be described.

This week, we created something new. You have become a Big Sister to our second-born Daughter. This week, Mama and Daddy changed your life in the most miraculous way and you have embraced your new life with grace and with ease. We have given you the most beautiful gift a little girl can ever receive. A Sister. A best friend. An accomplice and a confidant. 

The friendship between two Sisters is a most magical friendship and you are blessed to have this little girl in your life. I know that you will both love each other, completely. I know that your relationship will twist and turn, grow and change. You will protect each other, support each other and love each other. I am proud to be able to give this gift to you and I am excited to watch it take its form.

In the last week you have changed, in all the right ways. You have taken on your new role as a Big Sister so wonderfully. You stroke Zalia's head with gentle hands, you ask if she is okay with sincere compassion. You comfort her as she cries and you help Mummy to make her feel better. You watch over her with love in your heart and adoration in your eyes. You are loving and gentle, just like I knew you would be.

I am so proud of you. I watch you, watching Zalia and my heart just explodes. I cannot help but cry, tears of pure happiness. I cannot help but just overflow with happiness and pride and joy. You have always been my soft, gentle baby girl and the way you are accepting your little Sister into your life just makes me know you are always going to be the most compassionate, loving girl I will ever know. You make me so proud, Evelyn. 

You are so excited about your Baby. You wake in the mornings and run to see her. If you wake at night you ask to see her. You look at her and smile. You hold her and laugh. You tell strangers that she yours, "my baby", you say. You love her and there has not yet been a moment where you haven't. 

Mummy loves you Evelyn. So very much. Tonight I sat in bed with you and you held my hands and we talked and played and giggled. I was so happy being there with you and spending that time with you that tears began to fall down my face. I was afraid, before Zalia was born, that I would miss you. And I do. I miss being able to pick you up with every request and give you my undivided attention. But we have a new groove now and I make sure that you and I spend our time alone. I make sure that I cherish the moments we have together. I make sure that you know you are always my girl and you will always be loved. 

I want you to know that no matter where my attention is, you are always in my heart. I want you to know that if you ever feel neglected or forgotten, that you never will be. You own my heart and now Zalia has created another that she will own. But yours will always be there. I will always love you both equally and I will always fight to make sure you know that.

You are wonderful, Evelyn. You are kind and soft and gentle. You are everything and more, than I ever could have dreamed of. You make me, and your Daddy, so truly proud. My life is brighter because you are in it.

I love you, Sweet Darling.
Love Mama
xx

12/52 ~ Introducing Jelly

Evelyn: Your last day as my only Daughter, my only child. We spent the day digging in the sand and searching for shells. I spent the day enjoying every last minute of you, my baby. You were calm and quiet, knowingly aware that there was a change in the air. I was calm and at peace, aware that our lives are about to change forever but that my love for you will never change, only grow.

Zalia: Your very first breath, your very first touch of skin, your very first moment within the world. A moment that I will never forget, a moment that changed me, the moment that I became a Mother again and you became my second born Daughter. The moment that my heart missed a beat, took a double skip and backflipped into two.

Autumn:: the turn of the season

The turn of the season, the day that it is no longer hot, but not yet cold. There is a crispness in the air and yet a warmth in the sun that inspires and motivates. The air is clearer, the sounds of life are louder, the colours of the world are bright and people are happier. 

Days spent walking the beach, fully clothed. Afternoons watching brilliant sunsets. Morning spent in jumpers and socks. Porridge to start the day and a hot chocolate to end the night. Cosy cuddles in bed before drifting off into a deep slumber beneath a blanket. Snuggles on the lounge with precious little girls and dreams of the soon to be baby child to wrap in cotton and hold close to our hearts.

The turn of the season, from hot into cold (and cold into hot), is the most beautiful time of year. It is the time of year where life just feels so perfect. The days are endless and the nights are welcomed. The sun is warm and the air is cool. Its the time of year that love is stronger, spirits are higher. 

The turn of the season. The best moment of all of the seasons.

The Bump ~ Due Date

40 weeks. We have actively known we were pregnant now for 35 weeks. We have been taking these photos and writing these words every week for 28 weeks. You just don't realise how much time that really is until you sit down and think back to a moment and remember I was pregnant then. 40 weeks was not a date that I thought we would arrive at but here we are and I am actually kind of glad that we are here.

I am proud of us for dedicating our time every week to acknowledge this pregnancy, to embrace it and to celebrate it. I have spent today looking back over these photos and I just think it is a magical gift that we have given ourselves and our babies, both Evelyn and Jelly. Every week we left the house and we spent time as a family celebrating being a family and now we get to look back over those precious hours and remember just how wonderful they were. Doing these photos, writing these words, has forced us to spend time disconnected from the outside world and dedicated to ourselves, our world, our family. What a wonderful way to spend time with Evelyn before she is no longer the second child. I truly feel like we have given her a gift. 

Taking the time to write these words every week has allowed me to take the time to accept my emotions over the previous week. It has given me the strength to admit to any failures or faults and it has given me the courage to celebrate my successes. It has allowed me to view myself and my reactions from an almost seperate view and in doing so, I have been able to admit defeat, ask for help and praise myself. Writing these words each work, I believe, has helped me to get through each and every day of this pregnancy. The extremely hard ones and the ones that I am proud of. These words, this hour every week, has given me the strength, the confidence and the power to get through this pregnancy with what I believe is a grace, I other wise wouldn't have had.

I am proud of the last 40 weeks. I am proud of my body and all that it is capable of. Its ability to create a baby. Its ability to carry that baby to full term, to nourish it and to give it strength. I am proud of my heart, for the bond it has created with my unborn child. I am proud of my mind, for not allowing my fears of losing this child, overcome my ability to bond with this child. I am proud of Anthony, for putting up with my meltdowns and for keeping up with my mood swings. I am proud of Evelyn, for watching her Mama grow another baby and for understanding that soon there will be a baby in our house. I am proud of the entire 40 weeks... all of it, the good, the bad and the particularly ugly.

I am at peace this week with every thing that has been and with every thing that is to come. I feel calm and relaxed. I know that another week could go by and we still may not have this baby in our arms, but that is okay. Because, I know that once baby is here, our world will be better for it and I am okay to wait for that. I am giddy with excitement and smitten with love. My life is about to change, back flip, turn inside out and I am waiting with open arms, for all of it. Our lives will soon be complete. Our beautiful family, one more. How blessed we are!

Jelly, there is no words I can say today that I haven't already said to you a million times over. There is no way I can ever describe to you just how much we love you and just how much we want you. You are one of the most anticipated babies to ever be created. Your Sister is waiting, very impatiently, to meet you. Daddy and I are waiting to love you from the outside. To cuddle you, to kiss you, to smell you and to hold you. I know you are close because I can feel you already. My arms ache for you. My heart races to think of you. You are going to change me and I am so ready for you.

Its you and me babe, together we will deliver you earth side and together we will be

11/52

Evelyn: You are restless as we await the arrival of our baby. We distract you with visitors, cupcakes and activities

Jelly: 40 Weeks and still holding out on us. We are restless as we await your arrival

What is love?

I am not sure that I ever truly learnt what "love" means. For a man to love a woman, a woman to love a man. I have ideas about what I believe love should be like. I have a hollywood fantasy. I have expectations and I have beliefs. But I still dont think I know what love is.

I come from a family who came from broken families. As far as I know there is no history of a successful relationship on either side of my family. Both my parents came from parents who ended up apart and who exposed their children to treatment that is far less than what I consider to be love. I am not sure that they ever learnt what it means for a man to love a woman, a woman to love a man. 

I have been privy to love filled relationships, of course. But I was raised by my Mother. Not a Father and a Mother. My Mum met a man, who was there all along. My Step-Dad who is here no more. But he never raised us. My Mother raised us and so I was not exposed to how a Mother and a Father love each other, how they show that love and connection to their children. My Mother did the best she could with what she could and I know that she loves us. But the love between a Mother and her children is so very different to the love between a man and a woman. It is that love that I never learnt. 

Because of this, because I never learnt what love is, I have had a hard time throughout my life trying to navigate men, and women. Relationships, boundaries, expectations, friendships. To begin a relationship is frightening and confronting. To stay in a relationship is terrifying and testing. To be a part of the relationship, that is the part I find the most difficult of all. I don't know how to give myself to a relationship, to a man. To a friend. I don't know how to ask for help, if I need it. I don't know where to start or where to stop. Once I begin to rely on someone, I start to rely on them too much. I find myself pulling back, diving in, pulling back again. I push.  I push so very hard. A test maybe? To see how much they do love me? Then when they walk I always think to myself, see... they never loved you at all.

I don't know what love is and for that I need to apologise. I need to say sorry to the boys I dated in highschool. The ones that allowed themselves to love me. The ones I hurt and pushed away. I need to say sorry, to all the girlfriends I never made because I was busy allowing myself be hurt by the one girl I knew would never truly love me, I was busy thinking she was the only girl that would ever like me and so I shut myself off to any other. 

I need to say sorry to the men I dated post highschool. The ones whom thought we had a future together. The ones whom did love me, the ones I thought I loved in return, but never truly did. I need to say sorry to the girls I have made friends with, only to no longer be friends with. I don't know what love is and I have hurt so many people in my quest to find it.

I need to apologise. To so many people. But mostly I think I need to say sorry to myself. For being so afraid of love, of having someone love me, that I have spent my life pushing love away. I have spent my life, mostly alone. Because I don't know what love is, I have allowed myself to be treated badly. So very poorly. I allowed boys to take advantage of me and I allowed friends to belittle me. Never truly believing that I was anything more than the way they made me feel. Irrelevant. Small. Boring. I was used by plenty and that was okay with me because at least when I was being used I was feeling something, if only for a little while.

"We accept ourselves the love we think we deserve"
--Perks of Being a Wallflower

If I didn't know what love was then how could I expect to be treated with any. I owe myself an apology. The biggest apology of all. I am sorry that I allowed myself to live a life of such unimportance. I am sorry that I allowed myself to disregarded and abused. I am sorry that the child in me was treated so poorly, by me and by the people I thought I deserved. 

As I grow older, I am still navigating my way through love and through life. I am now aware of my patterns. Of my ability to push someone away, to hurt someone bad enough that they leave me. I know how difficult I make it to love me but I have been blessed. I have been so truly and completely blessed. 

I am blessed by a man who loves me. Some days I don't think he does. Some days I let my lack of understanding allow me to believe that he doesn't and I push him. I push him away, I hurt him, I test him. I hurt myself. He does love me and he never leaves. I can see in his eyes that he isn't going to leave. I can see him begin to break and confusion take over and I always continue to push and he just pushes me right back. Because he does love me. He may not love every part of me, I may hide away some parts and other parts are not loveable. But he loves me and he proves it every day in the way he holds my hand. The way he looks me in the eye. The way he knows that I just need him, even when I don't ask for him, he is there. Giving himself to me and when I throw it back at him, he just takes it back and protects it a little while and then he does the most amazing thing of all. He gives it back to me, he gives himself back to me, when he knows that I am ready again. 

I have been blessed by a man who is made up of the blood of fairies, the sweat of angels and the tears of saints. He is full of all the things you want to be full of. He is patient. He is kind and gentle. He is soft and caring. He is loving and supportive. He is mine and I am blessed. 

I may not know what love is but I have the most amazing teacher. I have a man who is willing to walk me through this life and show me what love is. He holds my hand through all the good parts and he carries me through all the hard stuff. He is always there, even when I am wishing him away. I may not know what love is but I am learning. 

I have a man who is willing to teach me what love is because he loves me and that is more than I ever could have dreamed of as a child. 

Dear 23 Month Old You...

You became a 23 month old girl almost two weeks ago and I am embarrassed to admit that the day went by without either of us noticing that it was the day. The day that you became more Evelyn and less Mummy's baby. Our lives have been full to the brim with growing and learning, successes and failures, battles that we have lost and battles that we have won. Each day we wake up and we try to concur the day the best way we know how and then we both crash in bed in a state of pure exhaustion. Before I knew it, you were 23 months old and I had not even noticed!

I may not have noticed the date and the particular day that you reached that milestone. The month before you are two. But I have noticed, every single day, how much you grow. Intellectually, physically, mentally. Every day you are just that little bit more and every day I love you so much more than the last. When you were first born I received a message from a very old friend that I had not spoken to for years and she said to me "you will think you love her as much as you can, until you wake up tomorrow". That message has stayed with me and every morning I wake up and I know exactly what she means. 

Every time you smile my love for you grows. Every cuddle and kiss, my heart explodes. Every "mama" you speak, my heart doubles. Every time you showcase something new you learn, it backflips. I will never, ever, truly be able to express to you how it feels to have a child and to love that child. The words just do not exist. There is nothing in this world that is comparable. No one can ever truly understand the love of a Mother, until they are a Mother themselves. So for me to begin to try and describe the depth of my love to you, it would be a loss. Instead I will tell you that I love you and that one day you will understand just how big and real and strong that love really is.

The past month has been a hard one. You have been challenging and trialling, you test my patience and my kindness and yet you make me crumble into a ball of happiness, love and pride. You are stretching your independence and pushing your boundaries. You are working out what you are capable of and you are pulling away from how much you need your Mum. But in all of these moments you still hold me close, still look over your shoulder to make sure I am there. You still run to me for love, help, support and encouragement. 

You have conquered your big girl bed with such ease and grace. Every time I tuck you in at night, I walk away from you with a singing heart. Each morning that awake and I havent heard from all night, my heart sings a little bit more. I put you into that bed with great hesitation and fear. But you proved to me just how much of a big girl you really are. Your day naps are near nigh impossible since the transition, however. Your new found freedom is too distracting and you just cannot possibly miss out on a minute of life by being in bed asleep. This has been a hard transition for me, but one that I coming to accept.

Your tantrums are bigger and stronger. They are confronting and testing. But with every tantrum you throw I try to explain to myself that you are trying to work out what the world means. Why your Mum is saying no. Why she doesnt understand you. Why you dont understand me. You are only just beginning to understand the world and in doing so you have are beginning to realise that you are not the centre of the world. These lessons are hard lessons and will take some time for you to grasp and until then I need to learn patience and calmness. I need to learn to sit back and let you work it out. 

You are my best friend, baby girl. You come every where with me and you do everything with me. You are my helper, helping me to unpack the groceries, pay the lady, take the money, open the doors. You make my life brighter, lighter and happier. I have had 23 months with you by my side and I could not imagine my life being any other way. You are my light and I love you so very dearly.

I love you, Evelyn Rose x

The Bump ~ 39 Weeks

I am possibly the grumpiest, achiest, most impatient and irritable pregnant woman alive right 

now. Okay, so maybe not. But I definitely feel like it. My temper is quick. My patience is short. My tolerance is low. I am trying, trying to wake up each day and make an effort to not snap at anyone, trying to smile through the days but the reality is that each and every day is going by just that little bit slower. My ankles and knees and back are giving way a little earlier every day.

I go to bed each night thinking quietly to myself that tonight might be the night, then each morning that I wake up still with baby in my belly I feel a little disappointed. I know that babe will be here when babe is ready and that I should patiently wait. But I am ready now, Evelyn is becoming restless, Anthony is ready at work to be home. We are all ready now. The thought of Jelly not being here for another week, or even two, is deflating.

I am grateful that this pregnancy has been one without any dramas and any real health issues. The only issues involved have been my own psychological state of mind. But I have managed to work my way through these moments. I am thankful for the health of my baby and of myself and I look forward to the birth and the life to follow.

Jelly, I have said all there is to say. You know I love you. You know I am ready for you. You know how much you are wanted. All we can do now is wait and I will continue to try and wait patiently. All I want is you.

Its you and me babe, we will be together soon

10/52

Evelyn: An awful week of tonsillitis, 43 ticks, nappy rash and no sleeping has put you in a mood that neither you, nor I, are enjoying. Instead of recording your sad face I choose to record your brilliant strength, climbing stairs without assistance, swinging your body weight on the bar above the slide. You are growing fast and you are growing strong

Jelly: 39 weeks and still waiting. I hope that you will be here with us before the week is out. 

What has happened to our village of support?

I have always been the type of person who gets out of my seat for an elderly man or woman, and a pregnant lady. I am the type of person who see's a Mother struggling and offer my help. I help the elderly to their cars with their groceries. These were just a few life lessons that I was taught growing up, to always help those who are less capable than yourself. Mostly people respond warmly and appreciate every offered hand and arm of support.

I dont expect special treatment in return, but I guess, to an extent, I respect the same general compassion extended to myself and other patrons of the community. I believe that it is just the right thing to do. It is social etiquette. It is humanity. It is manners and it is just common sense. Nobody likes to be the person struggling on their own and everybody loves the feeling of a good deed, given and received. 

Since I have been pregnant I actually feel like people have gone out of their way to make life harder for me. Almost as though people are punishing me, like they don't approve perhaps? I have tried, mostly, to ignore these moments and to brush it off. I try and remind myself that people are busy in their own lives and that they are perhaps having their own bad days. But today, incident after incident, has just put me in a state of disbelief. How can people be so very unsupportive?

Throughout this pregnancy there have been multiple incidents where I have left the situation in tears and shock. Here are just a few of my experiences, these will forever be moments that I remember and lessons that I will learn from. Treatment of people, I never want to give.

:: In the middle of a week of torrential down pour raining I had to go to Woolworths to pick up some necessities. I was past 30 weeks pregnant so was carry a very noticeable bump. As I walked out of woolworths through the rain began my 300 metre walk to my car, carefully placing each foot so as not to fall over and carrying my 5 bags of heavy shopping. A woman decided to cross over the carpark and walk directly at me. Making me have to walk out into the line of traffic for her to get by other wise we would have collided. 

:: Sitting in a chemist at 38 weeks pregnant with my sick Daughter who was very hot and miserable waiting for our prescription to be filled. Evelyn had laid herself on the ground. There was no one around so I wasn't in too great a hurry to get her up but began trying to encourage her to move calmly so as not to cause a complete meltdown. A woman walked to the end of the aisle where Evelyn was laying and had on of those trolley baskets trailing behind her. She paused momentarily but did not acknowledge Evelyn or myself. I could see what was about to happen so I said to Evelyn, "Honey we need to move out of the way or this woman will run over you with her trolley". Before I had even finished the sentence the woman began to walk again and as predicted, ran her basket trolley over the top of Evelyn's legs. When I said how very rude it was she still did not acknowledge me but just walked away.

:: On the same day, in the same chemist as I was waiting to be served at the counter, I was holding Evelyn in my arms. I was holding her medication, my purse, my keys, my phone and the tweezers. Evelyn took the tweezers and not long after dropped them on the ground. I stood there for just a while wondering what on earth I do here. I decided to slip my thong off and pick them up with my toes as that was far easier than the idea of having to bend down. Turns out that there was a man watching my every move. Instead of offering a hand, he simply laughed at my talented toe picking up and made a passing comment. 

:: At 36 weeks pregnant I was sitting in the RTA with Evelyn in the pram. She was irritable and tired of waiting. As was I. She had taken my passport and then dropped it on the ground. I was getting quite tired of bending over and picking these things up so I left it there, to be picked up when our number was called. A man came over and says to me "Ahhhh you have dropped something in the pathway". I say "Yes my Daughter keeps throwing things on the ground and its becoming too hard to pick them up all the time, thank you for letting me know". He grunts and walks away. No offer to pick it up for me, just judgement that I could leave it there.

:: Young girls in shopping malls who walk four abroad and see you coming and seem to bind together and walk at you like a wall, forcing you to flush up against the side of the shop to allow them past

:: People with trolleys

:: Woman passing through the doors of public toilets, expecting that the door be held open for them but not willing to do the same in return.

:: Lets not forget about the man at the petrol station who forced me to crawl beneath his car

There have been so many moments where I have suddenly felt cheated. I don't expect special treatment because I am pregnant. But I do expect some general consideration and compassion and when these situations occur it makes me a little bit sad. Each time I have left feeling teary and wondering where our village and community has gone?

The Bump ~ 38 Weeks

With every passing day we have made it another day further than I ever suspected, or was ever prepared for. The days are becoming longer and just that little bit harder to make it through to the end. For no other reason than I am being impatient. I want to hold my baby, I want to smell and taste my baby, I want to see my babies angel face. I want to bury myself in my baby and my family and my home and just lose ourselves to each other.

As the end nears, I find myself thinking about the things I will miss once baby is here and my tummy is no longer full of wiggly, kicking arms and legs. I will miss the way my body carries this body. The ever growing belly, each and every day just that little bit bigger, showing me that Jelly is growing, healthy and strong. I will miss the movements. The knowing that there is life within me. I will miss the gentle reminder that this world is so much bigger than I know. 

As baby makes their journey into our lives there is so much to look forward to, to welcome. But there is also so much to leave behind, to say goodbye to. In these last weeks I am holding life close to me, trying to embrace each and every moment of our lives as a family of three. Evelyn as an only child, as my baby. But, with each passing day my desire for our lives to change becomes stronger.

Every time anything in my body changes I can feel myself fill with excitement, thinking, this is it. But every time I become disappointed. Baby is still cooking, still waiting and I just know that the day they decide to grace us with their presence will be one of the best days of our lives. I am overly excited.

Jelly, you have never been wanted so much.

Its you and me babe, together we will find a way to be together

Happy Birthday Anthony

I know a man who deserves the world but expects so little.
I know a man with a heart made of gold.
I know a man with the kindest of eyes, eyes you can lose yourself in.
I know a man that is more than worth knowing.

He gave me his heart and I have given him mine and together we made a home, a family and a love that is like no other. It is ours. It is special. It is different. It is a little kooky and very misunderstood. It is us.

Our love is a great love of support, of encouragement, of gentle kindness and together we have turned our love into a child who holds every aspect that is dear to us. Our love is a great love of happiness, of smiles, of silliness and of heart. 

He is me and I am him and together we are us.

Happy Birthday My Honey... you make life brighter, you make smiles bigger and you make my heart swell. Having your hand in mine makes this crazy world, our crazy world and I know that we can do anything we want to just as long as we hold each other tight.

I love you
x

9/52

Evelyn: You are my wild child, living life at your happiest when you are outdoors and active. Never a moments rest, never a dull moment. My child of life