The Bump - 31 Weeks

31 weeks. I missed the biggest milestone of the entire pregnancy last week. We had friends staying with us and it just didn't occur to me to make sure we got out and took a moment to ourselves to be able to capture that milestone week. The last two weeks have been big. They have been full of people, of heatwave days, of pregnancy symptoms, of Evelyn tantrums and of emotions.

I have been really struggling to get out of bed each morning, not only physically but emotionally too. Up until this point I have been able to tell when my emotions are caused by raging hormones or if they are legitimate emotions. But these last two weeks I just feel really very flat and so very empty, of energy and of zest. Some mornings it is so hard to kick start my day and I find myself in the shower crying away the emotions. These last two weeks have been taxing, so very, very taxing. It is hard to be so pregnant, to feel so pregnant and to want {or perhaps expect} the people around you to just understand, that you don't have it in you to give or do what they want from you. I just dont have it in me, not now.

My bones are sore. So very sore. I ache. Each time I sit down I feel like I am actually sitting on this baby. It is hard to get up, hard to walk around. My back catches and for a while I can be stuck, unable to move, because if I do I know I will fall over. My wrists are beginning to ache in the night, the return of carpel tunnel. My fingers ache. I am awoken every morning by the most intense and severe leg cramps I have ever experience. Right in the thick of my calf muscles. They are so strong that I literally cannot move, I can only scream in agony. Then they are bruised, for days. Pregnancy is hard. It is really very hard.

I expect the people in my life to just know. To just understand. But as I have been told, they all have their own lives and their own focus to be focused on me and my pregnancy. But at the moment, today, these last two weeks... I just need them to know. Just know I am struggling. 

As for Jelly, I had a check up this week and Jelly has finally moved position. Head is now down, feet are now in my ribs. This is such relieving news, my fear and anxiety about have a c-section have now quietened and I am feeling relaxed about the labour. We have our Calm Birth classes coming up in only four weeks and I cannot wait to learn the techniques to maintain this calm. My labour with Evelyn, although very long, was an enjoyable experience for both Anthony and I. It was painful, very painful, but it was enjoyable. The bond, the love, the fight, the battle and the win... it was the most amazing experience. I want that for me, for Anthony. I want to walk in calm and remain calm and to enjoy bring Jelly into this world.

Jelly, I wouldn't go through this pregnancy, these symptoms, for anyone but you. The pain and the exhaustion is all worth it. At the end of every day, when I lay down in bed, I get to talk to you, to feel you, and in that moment the rest just fades away. It truly is a labour of love, the entire process, but I wouldn't labour this love in any other way. Because at the end, I get you. That is all that matters. Come to us safely, we only have 9 weeks to wait, be gentle, be calm and be still... before long we will know each other's smells.

Its you and me babe... together our love will blossom