My Heart, Your Home: The Bump ~ 32 Weeks   

Monday, 21 January 2013

The Bump ~ 32 Weeks

I have just completed a week of solo parenting. Usually I find solo parenting calmer, faster, cleaner and more organised. I think it is the knowing that you have to do it on your own and so you never sit down to take a break, you never stop because you know that no one is going to pick up for you. You just have to keep going. This time, however, was none of those things.

It started off great. Evelyn and I instantly found our groove on the first day. But come that night, she decided that she no longer wanted to go to sleep. So she screamed. For hours and I slept on the floor next to her and I begged her to please stop. Then, on day two, Jelly decided to  make things difficult for me also. 

My tummy began to tighten, every 5-10 minutes. It was uncomfortable but not painful. For the most part of the day. I wasn't too concerned at first. But the day slowly passed me by and the tightenings became more frequent, more intense, a little bit painful. I started to worry, I have always had a feeling that this baby is going to bless us with their presence much earlier than they should and so when these tightenings became worse, my fear grew. My Mum was luckily coming over for dinner and once she stepped through the door, I near ran out the door. Over to the hospital I went. 

Once I was in that room and words like pre-term labour and contractions and internal examination were being passed around from midwife to Dr, I began to cry. Big heaving, exhausted, lonely and terrified tears. I didn't want to be in labour while Anthony was two hours away. I didn't want Jelly to be coming, not yet. I didn't want to be alone in that room and so I cried. The midwives held my hand and handed me tissues, they whispered soft encouraging and lovely words to me while the Dr performed her tests. I am ever so grateful for those midwives, in that moment, with my hand in theirs, I know that I wasn't truly alone. 

After too long, of fearing that I was in labour, the tests finally gave me good news. The tightenings were merely tightenings. My cervix is completely closed and the risk of pre-term labour in the next two weeks has been ruled out. I wasn't in labour, I just have an irritable uterus. A uterus which tightens every time I move, jelly moves, I eat... anything really. An irritable uterus is a million times better than a contracting uterus, but I am exhausted. It wakes me up all through the night, it makes walking even harder, it is tiring and it is making me irritable.

But I am grateful. Grateful for the midwives who helped me feel not so alone. Grateful for medical advancements that have created a test that can rule out pre term labour. Grateful for an irritable uterus. Grateful that Anthony is finally home. Grateful that Jelly is safe. 

Jelly I really do want to meet you as soon as I can, but I really don't want that to be today. Please, please just stay safe. Stay where you are, where I can protect you and keep you from harms way. You aren't ready for this world just yet, we will be here waiting for you when you are, but for now please just stay away. I love you and I want you to have the best and most beautiful life you can have. For me to give that to you, I need you to help me by sleeping soundly in the warmth of womb. The day will come in weeks to come, where I will be ready for you and you will be ready for me but I want to wait for that day. We need to wait.

Its you and me babe... together we will wait out the storm

No comments:

Post a Comment