My Heart, Your Home: Am I who I always thought I was?   

Tuesday 30 October 2012

Am I who I always thought I was?



I always thought that I had myself figured out. I always thought I knew what kind of person I am. I thought I knew what I was willing to do and give to others, when I would say no and what my breaking point is. But lately, I have not been so sure.

I have always considered myself a listener, a person willing to sit and let you talk to me about all the things that you are struggling with, all the things that are making you stressed and sad. I always thought that I was good at that. But, over the last few years I have found that all of that listening and supporting and advising has really started to take a negative toll on my own happiness. Lately I have been feeling like I spend too much time allowing other people to share their issues with me, I spend too much time analysing and advising on their lives, that I do not take the time to focus on my own life. 

I came to this realisation just over a year ago when an old friend placed too much of her problems on my shoulders and my life became her life. I would take her issues home and I would stew and dwell on them. I tried to explain to her that it was affecting me and that I needed a break from this particular issue but she continued to share her worries with me. So I continued to listen, I didn't say 'no' again. That friendship came to an abrupt end because I just was no longer capable of giving her the time, the responses and the sympathy that she required. I especially struggled to give her these things when I knew that she was not willing to give me any of those things, always responding with 'lets not dwell on that' and changing my subject into her subject. The friendship ended and I questioned who I was.

Am I really a listener if I cannot listen for long enough?

Recently, I was told that I was doing to another, what that friend did to me. Now I don't know, am I really a listener at all? Do I have the completely wrong image of myself? Do I think that I am giving and supporting and listening to others when they think that I give nothing at all? I feel as though every day I take time away from my day to try and help the people within my life. Help by being available and by offering an ear. I feel like I do this. But do I not? I feel like I put my life aside, put my worries and my concerns and my stresses aside to help others. Recently I have actually felt like I have forgotten how to focus on my own life. I feel like this is the reason why life has built up and knocked me down so hard.

I have always thought that I was strong and honest and lenient. I have always thought that I am the person that people know they can call and I will provide them with the time and the support that they desire. I was always available. But recently, I have began to waver. I have begun to resent myself for making myself so available. I can feel myself pulling away. Trying to avoid conversations and situations that I know will be another session of "counselling". I am missing the light and the fun of having just a friendship. I am missing the laughter and the smiles. I am feeling as though my life is revolving around "helping" other's lives and I am no longer feeling any benefit. A life lived to support all those around me makes for a life without any time. I need time. I need laughter again. I need light again. 

Am I really what I always thought I was, when now I just want to run away from that image?

I want to eliminate the stress in my life, the negativity, the issues. I want for the only stress in my life, to be my own stress, not the stress of those around me. But how do you control the emotions you are exposed to? How do you prevent these issues spilling over into your own life? How do I teach myself to no longer hold those conversations? How do I train those people to no longer rely on me for that support? How do I change the perception of myself when this is who I have always been? 

Or have I?


10 comments:

  1. Jess, we seem to climb into each others heads all the time. Recently I walked into a party and most of my friends were inside, I knew what they would want to talk about and I just couldn't do it, again! Friendship is a two way street, you need to be able to share your woes and be listened to and do the same in return. Some people forget that and it can be taxing.

    The fact that you think so much about what type of friend you are, person you are, means that you obviously care and are most definitely a good one! Don't doubt yourself too much xxx

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    1. Did you survive the night? I just dont know how to stop putting myself in the situations, how to shut down the conversations? I really just need just a little time to myself without everyone elses issues!

      Thank you for your kind words Bel, I really do appreciate the things you have to say xx

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  2. I am someone who suffers from an anxiety disorder. I used to take on others issues as if they were my own. I'd stew and ruminate over them. It was in no way good for my health.
    To be helpful to others it does help to stay on the right side of empathy. I wrote about this in a blog of mine a short time ago. Being able to stay removed and objective from the situation will help you and the other person a great deal more than letting it take over your life. Rather than help, it becomes a hinderance.
    #ibot

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    1. It has definitely become a hinderance... to my life and to the relationships!
      I definitely need to take a step back
      x

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  3. Reading through this a few times, I really feel like no,you haven't changed, but that you are asking for your friendships to be more of a two way street. This may not have been a conscious decision, but over time you have built up and your body and heart are sayi g, nope, that's enough if we don't stop now we will break. It isn't a bad thing at all lovely.... Sending you love and strength as you navigate this
    #teamIBOT

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    1. Thank You Lyndall! I think you are right, I am just expecting a little more than I used to.
      I need some loving too
      xx

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  4. your post resinated with me. I am going through the same thing. Just be yourself. Let yourself shine, don't let others negativity take away from your journey xx

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    1. Its seems a common thing to go through doesnt it!
      Thank You Nicole
      x

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  5. I hear you. There's a lot here I can relate to.
    The way I think of it is, that there will be times we our friends rely a lot on us, and times when we need them. Sometimes it's hard and it seems like a long time, but it's just a season. But there needs to be a balance in friendship. It can't be all one way and not the other. You should be able to be honest and share your own issues, and step back if you need to.
    Funny, I've been thinking of writing a post similar to this myself. We must be on the same wave length.

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    1. It seems like many people are on this wave length at the moment.
      I totally agree with you, we should be there for them but they should be there for you too. Otherwise it is just taking advantage of each other.
      x

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